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Writer's pictureShe's SINGLE Magazine
Oct 25, 20224 min read

Why Men Have Emotional Affairs: Part 1

by Danielle Wright

“Secrets equals shenanigans.” – Tamar Braxton


An emotional affair is defined by elements of secrecy, emotional connection, and sexual chemistry that have not yet been acted upon. It takes away resources from the primary relationship. This can happen whether you’re in a committed monogamous relationship or even a situationship.


However, there is a big difference—in a situationship it is not seen as an ‘emotional affair’ but instead, it is considered ghosting or withdrawing one’s affection. Typically, the person on the receiving end of this cannot hold the other accountable, because their rebuttal will most likely be, “We are not in a relationship.”


If you’re looking for a serious relationship according to Mental Health Officer, Kerry Lauders, “There are a few key things that a woman can do to avoid entering into a situationship. First, she should be aware of the red flags that indicate a man is not interested in a real relationship. If a man is not willing to invest in your emotionally, or if he is always making excuses not to see you, he is not worth your time.


Secondly, it is important to be clear about what you want. If you know that you want a commitment and the man you are dating does not, it is best to move on. Finally, it is important to have self-respect. If you are not being treated well by the man you are dating or even in a relationship with, do not be afraid to cut ties.”


Whether your boyfriend is having an emotional affair or the person you’re dating has had a shift in their energy, it is safe to say that someone elsewhere is on their mind. In both cases, you almost always know when things are changing. Men tend to have emotional affairs because they’ve found someone who is relatable—this most commonly happens in the workplace.


*A man and a woman both complain about their spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, situationships. The outcome is they leave the other person and begin seeing one another. *


When a man begins to feel like he is not needed or grows tired of being with a woman who he deems unappreciative, controlling, or needy, he may begin to look elsewhere for advice. This type of bonding with another person who maybe experiencing the same displeasure makes it easy to cheat or ghost their partner. Most of the time emotional affairs start as innocent friendships.


Emotional affairs or ghosting happens because there is a need for validation or a lack of communication with their partner. In today’s climate, dating/relationships are difficult because our attention span has lowered and our patience is thin. Social media, Amazon, and Netflix to name a few have all contributed to this culture of instant gratitude. You do less work and still have a positive outcome. The male mind is designed to work smarter not harder and that is in every aspect of their lives.


It is easy to become complacent in a relationship or when dating—after many weeks together you’re now spending more time at home, or as a woman, you’ve come accustomed to your partner footing the bill without so much as a ‘thank you’ or some form of gratitude. Both parties are equally responsible for this energy shift.


A good way to ensure this does not happen is to remember that no one is obligated to us. You are not obligated to have sex and your partner is not obligated to care for you financially or be romantic towards you. If someone chooses to do these things to add to your happiness and vice versa, it is always good to show your appreciation.


On the other hand, most men who are ready for marriage will have already experienced this type of relationship and can decide to close one door before opening another. ICF Certified Dating and Relationship Coach, Lisa Van Loo says, “A man who is ready for a relationship leading to marriage knows what he wants. He’s got his business/finances in check, and he’s in a stable place in his life. He is respectful, emotionally intelligent, and looking to find a partner, not a hookup. He is not going to shy away from commitment.”


Mature men like the aforementioned are less likely to ghost their budding partner or emotionally cheat on a committed partner. But if he’s…“wanting to keep it casual, not introducing you to his family, not highlighting you on social media, avoiding marriage conversations, or even avoiding moving in together, these are all red flags,” says Sarah M. Guerra.


Please, make no mistake that even with the above a man is not exempt from having an emotional affair, however, you will notice a change in his behavior if or when one starts. He will not share your photos on social media to appear single. He will delay talks of marriage—he does not see you as [the one]. You may live together, but he is now very private with his phone.


You need to take a moment to reevaluate the relationship and decide whether or not this is for you and what changes can be made to help bring you back on a good path. If you’re just dating and you notice this man pulling back, seemingly appearing to ghost you, you can call him out on it and ask him why or simply let it happen. He may or may not return, and if he does you can spark the conversation up again. He has nothing to lose and will most likely tell the truth.


The most important thing in any relationship is communication. Your partner should feel comfortable confiding in you with whatever is troubling them without either of you growing defensive. If you are not willing to hear him out, he will find someone who is, this opens a door that may become harder to shut later on down the line.

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