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Feb 65 min read

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

by Danielle Wright

Romantic relationships are like delicate flowers, requiring nurturing, patience, and the right environment to bloom into something beautiful and enduring.

In the movie Amsterdam, we meet Irma St. Clair, played by the talented and beloved Zoe Saldana. She says, “True love is based on choice, not need. Do you need your wife, or do you choose your wife?” She then goes on to say, “At the end of the day, choice matters over need.” This movie did not do well at the box office, so it’s safe to assume that many of you did not see it, but I highly recommend giving this one a watch. I enjoyed it for what it was, and so when I came across this line, it stuck with me.


RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT HARD; YOU’RE JUST NOT BEING CHOSEN

Relationships, for the most part, are not hard—when you choose the person you’re with, it is not hard to love or like them for who they are on a daily basis. The hard part comes along when you have to find reasons to choose them, aka continue to love them or make excuses on why you should stay.


Perhaps you two share children, and so it’s easier to stay with that person and put up with their bad habits and unfavorable acts versus moving on. If not that, perhaps you’re married and there were no arrangements put in place to protect your assets in the event of a divorce or separation. Either way, relationships become difficult when you no longer like the person you’re with. Love is a fleeting feeling—it comes and goes, but liking someone is the foundation for love to bloom.


It sounds easy enough to understand or comprehend, and yet, so many people are having a hard time in their relationships or even landing one. This is simply because things like social media have tainted our minds into believing that love is everywhere and easily accessible, whether it’s through a swipe or a DM. We see someone living their life online and think that based on the small clips we see that they’re a likable or even lovable person, when that could be the furthest thing from the truth.


What we share online is what we consider to be the best moments of our lives and the highlights of our personality. But it’s the parts of you that people don’t get to see that determine who you are as a person. It’s no wonder why we see the most beautiful women on social media in and out of relationships or not respected by men. These women are perceived as quality women with high standards and a great personality simply because they’re beautiful and their Instagram profile has a nice theme, yet they aren’t chosen.


WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO CHOOSE?

To choose means to wake up each day and make the conscious decision to remain faithful and loving to your partner. It means that you will not want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship; you want to remain likable and in their good graces.


When you choose someone, you decide that spending the rest of your life with them is not a prison sentence, but rather a reward. Very few people get to meet their soulmate, let alone spend their lives with one person loving and choosing them each and every day, so when you get it, it’s truly a blessing. If you are never chosen, then the issue cannot be everyone else; perhaps it’s you.


ARE YOU THE PROBLEM?

When it comes to our life decisions, we have to always accept responsibility and take accountability for our choices. If you have yet to meet and date a man you like, then you’re in the wrong area and you need to work on expanding your proximity. So, it is no one else’s fault that you are choosing to stay in an area where you know the men are low value, earn a low income, and are not interested in marriage or long-term stability. You should strive to work hard to change your social circle so you can change your options.


We cannot change others; we can only change and are responsible for ourselves. For example, blaming a man for getting you pregnant and leaving you to be a single mother who relies on government assistance to feed her child or children is not solely his fault. There is no need to bash him if you are not willing to self-reflect and admit that you made a bad choice.


You chose wrong. Granted, it’s not hard for some men to wear a mask and play a role or pressure women into unprotected sex—believe me, I’ve been there—but, the solution is always standards. Having high standards for yourself will allow you to quickly and efficiently eliminate anyone who stands in your way of having your wants and needs fulfilled.


When you settle for a low-value man, you are telling yourself that he is what you deserve. Do you deserve to not be chosen? Do you deserve to not be liked? Do you deserve to only have children out of wedlock? Do you deserve to be with a man who requires you to work every single day, even while pregnant, in order to help make ends meet? The answer to those questions should always be no.


You don’t deserve those things, but you’re accepting those things and then wondering why dating is hard or finding a good man is hard. All in all, it’s not hard, but women who tell themselves that they deserve the above treatment are the reason why dating and relationships are complicated. The more women there are with low self-esteem, the more men there will be to take advantage of them.


We all want a bargain—whether it’s for that new LUEQ sweater or a relationship—men and women want quality things for a low cost. If you’re going to be the cheap LUEQ sweater, then you open yourself up to not being chosen, but rather tolerated. Anytime a man tolerates a woman, he is not chivalrous towards her; he is unkind, impatient, and waiting for a better option to come along.

Related articles: Rebound Relationship Stages


START BY CHOOSING YOURSELF

When you look in the mirror and like what you see, it becomes easier to appreciate yourself and your time. You are less likely to allow a man or anyone, for that matter, to fool you or treat you like an option. You will require a man to choose you because every day you wake up and choose you, you show up for yourself, you do for yourself, you follow your dreams, and you accomplish your goals.


You prioritize you, and once you do that, you will require your partner to do the same. As a woman on the hunt for a loving partner, you can affirm that you are not the prize, and neither is your partner; the love you both share for one another, the relationship, the family, and the community you build together as a union is the prize. When you start to see things from that perspective, then you’re more likely to add more significance to your relationship and/or the pursuit of one. No more situationships or bare minimum; those are not prizes you’ve won because that means you have not been chosen.

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