by Harley Miller & Jillian Bozzelli, LMFT
A common question many women ask is, “Should I get married before having a child?”
The popular answer is yes, as marriage is often seen as ideal before conceiving and raising a child. However, life sometimes throws us curveballs, and things don’t always go as planned. As women, when we think of marriage, we often envision stability, family, a house with a white picket fence, a two-car garage—we want the life we were promised as children: go to college, get a good career, live in a beautiful home with your husband, have kids, go to Disneyland once a year, raise good humans, send them off to college, travel the world with your partner, grow old together, and pass on.
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In recent years, single motherhood in the U.S. has become more common, with the proportion of single-mother households remaining high. In 2023, around 7.3 million single mothers were recorded, accounting for over 80% of all single-parent households. Married or not, both you and your partner share equal custody of a child once the child is born and the father signs the birth certificate.
Signing a birth certificate generally establishes a man as the legal father of the child, granting him certain paternal rights. However, there are times when a single mother may wish to relocate with her child to start fresh in a more affordable town or city. This has prompted other women to question whether it is legal for a mother to take the child without the father’s consent, especially if he is not contributing financially to the child’s wellbeing.
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When a man signs a birth certificate, he is often granted the presumption of paternity, which may give him parental rights similar to those of the mother. If there is no formal custody agreement in place, the mother may have more latitude in making decisions, but this varies significantly by jurisdiction. In many cases, if the father wishes to be involved, he may need to establish legal custody or visitation rights through the court system, which could place limitations on the mother’s ability to relocate without his consent.
In situations where a custody order does exist, the relocating parent would often need the other parent’s consent or a court order approving the relocation, especially if it could impact the other parent’s visitation rights. Courts generally consider whether the relocation is in the child’s best interest and may not approve a move if it negatively affects the child’s relationship with the other parent. This is not legal advice, so it’s best to seek legal guidance to understand the implications of paternity, custody, and relocation fully.
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While it’s not always feasible to get married before having children, it’s certainly something to heavily consider, as it will always be in your best interest as a mother. We often hear professionals or even podcasters discuss the benefits men receive in a marriage—a wife to cook, clean, emotionally support them, and raise the kids, all of which improve their quality of life. On the other hand, women are sometimes deemed miserable, less likely to remarry in the event of a divorce, and so on.
But marriage can bring a variety of benefits to wives, ranging from financial stability and health advantages to personal growth opportunities. The problem is many women are marrying down when they should, in fact, be marrying up. If the man you choose to marry cannot improve your quality of life, then he may not be ready for a wife.