What to Do When You Feel Like Your Boyfriend Doesn't Care

The emotional disconnect some women experience with their partners can be a soul-crushing experience that often leads to the end of their relationship.

However, for some women, finding a partner is such a long and grueling process that they would rather stick with the "evil they know"—a partner they’ve developed love for and with whom they’ve established comfort. Despite the common narrative online about women being the "prize" in a relationship, reality often paints a different picture. Men, in many cases, are disciplined enough to ensure that women face consequences for actions they disagree with.

In other words, men set standards and follow through on them. A woman can easily feel powerless in her relationship once her partner establishes dominance and remains firm in his decision-making. This dynamic contrasts with many women, who often enforce their standards and boundaries only on men they aren’t truly interested in, while making exceptions for those they find attractive. Men are aware of this, which is why conventionally attractive men often feel free to juggle multiple women or engage in promiscuity without facing significant consequences. Take Chris Brown, for example.

During his recent appearance on Kai Cenat’s streaming platform, he was asked if he was in a relationship. He smirked and replied, “A few actually.” A man who is not conventionally attractive would likely be ridiculed for making such a claim. Women dating conventionally attractive men can easily fall victim to their nonchalance. A similar dynamic can be seen with Chrisean Rock and Blueface, whose tumultuous relationship has played out publicly for years. Despite Blueface’s frequent expressions of disdain toward her, Chrisean remains loyal, continuing to proclaim her love for him.

Women are often skilled at giving grace and forgiving bad behavior from men, but this tendency can sometimes lead to a decrease in effort on the man’s part to impress or sustain the relationship. There are only two institutions that hold men accountable—marriage and child support. While the average man may view the latter as less of a commitment, it remains a form of responsibility that can significantly alter the trajectory of his life. However, there are ways to avoid it—for instance, by taking on untraceable, off-the-books employment. The same cannot be said for marriage. Women should, in fact, date with the intention of entering a relationship that leads to marriage, and the best way to ensure this outcome is by setting and maintaining boundaries.

“I remember some time ago when I was asked about a man who happened to be interested in me. We made it to the talking stage; however, I did not allow him the chance to date me because, based on those conversations, I knew he was not husband material,” says author Lisa K. Stephenson. “As a woman well into her thirties, it has become vital for me to date with intention. What I’ve noticed is that when I’m selfish with my time, men become generous with theirs. Not only that, but they want to prove themselves to me. So, while I may say, ‘I’m not really interested because I am seeking someone who I believe to be husband material, and you don’t seem like the right person for me,’ surprisingly, they never want to end things. It’s like I’ve incited some kind of challenge within them, and before I know it, they’re changing their mannerisms, seeking a career change, and so much more.”

Men thrive on what is known as having a high sense of achievement. Overcoming a challenge provides a dopamine boost and reinforces feelings of competence, making the effort rewarding. What Lisa unintentionally does is trigger this feeling in the men she dates or talks to, which motivates them to step up to the plate. However, the key is to never make a man feel like he has completely conquered you in the relationship once you two have committed to one another.

It’s common knowledge that most men do not enter relationships to be faithful to their partners; rather, they expect their partners to remain faithful to them. There are several red flags a woman can identify that signal this mindset. One is when a man groups dates together or rushes the dating process to quickly enter a relationship or initiate sex. The average time it takes to properly date and court someone is around 3–4 months.

If a man is scheduling multiple back-to-back dates or following up dinner with breakfast the next morning, while monopolizing all your free time within a matter of weeks, he is likely counting dates to speed up the process of getting into your bed. Once he has achieved this goal, he will often pull back suddenly, leaving you to wonder where all the romance went and why the dates have stopped.

During the courting stage, it’s important to focus on a man who is not seeking instant gratification from his partner. Look for someone who believes in the "slow and steady wins the race" philosophy and views you as a whole person with a life outside of him. Men who are not interested in a long-term romantic connection will show little to no respect for your time or boundaries. These men will often reveal, sooner rather than later, that they never genuinely cared about you in the first place.

All this to say, just because a man has agreed to be your boyfriend does not mean his intentions were ever pure or that he wanted to be a committed and faithful partner. If a man begins to show you that he doesn’t care, it is likely because he never cared in the first place or has found someone else to date and court. If you sense that your boyfriend is emotionally pulling away, there are a few steps you should take:

• Revisit the beginning stages and ask yourself if you rushed into the relationship.
• Speak with him about how you’re feeling.
• Change your habits—you may have become too predictable in the relationship, leading him to lose interest in you and your life as a whole.
• Avoid overcompensating. Don’t try to win him back by doing something special or gifting him extravagant items. Let your actions reflect your standards. Men need to face consequences for their actions. If one of your boundaries includes consistency, kindness, and communication, and he’s failing in these areas, he should not be rewarded.

Ultimately, you need to lead with your boundaries and be unafraid to walk away if necessary, even if he’s attractive or treated you well in the beginning. The bait-and-switch tactic is very real in relationships, so the past shouldn’t dictate your decisions. Focus on how he makes you feel now.

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson