by Danielle Wright
Relationship insecurity means you are unsure and unconfident about your relationship—yes, you read that right.
When someone is insecure, it is hard for them to approach the opposite sex, respond, or, let alone, get into a full-on commitment. But if you made it into the relationship, then congratulations! Your insecurities did not stem from personal experiences but rather codependent ones.
Okay, maybe I was being a little sarcastic, but overall, you’re not insecure; your partner simply made you that way, which means you can fix this and fix it fast. And if you’re the partner interested in learning why the person you’re with is insecure, the answer is simple: you made them that way. But keep reading—solutions are forthcoming.
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DATING SOMEONE WHO IS INSECURE
The thing about lacking confidence or being insecure is that it’s not some airborne disease that you just catch—it’s something that builds over time and is usually influenced by outside relationships.
The internal conflict one may face is how not to show their insecurities, which leads to them inadvertently revealing them. We all have them, yet somehow convinced ourselves that when we don’t feel confident, it’s a horrible thing, and we should be ashamed. Vulnerability comes from self-reflection and self-awareness. When we’re aware of our feelings, we can face them and see things through.
Your partner is not insecure by chance; 9 out of 10 times, something transpired in your relationship to lead them to feel this way. Take some accountability. For example, two men I’ve dated in the past were very insecure, and at the time, I did not have empathy, simply laughing whenever they would bring things to my attention that were obviously impacting their confidence.
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But because I was not intentionally doing these things to impair their confidence, I took it lightly, and eventually, the relationships were ruined. If I were mature enough and respectful of my partner’s feelings during those times, I could have saved those relationships—to be honest, the second relationship wouldn’t even have happened. The point is you are a contributing factor to your partner's insecurities, and you have to acknowledge that.
It could be something simple like checking in once a day, keeping your promises, not crossing their boundaries, being trustworthy, and so on. Communication is key in these scenarios because none of us are mind-readers, but what’s even more important is how you react when your person speaks their truth.
Are you passive-aggressive, dismissive, avoidant, in denial? Your reaction plays a huge role in how your partner will choose to open up to you, and if they can’t do that, they may stay in the relationship but as their resentment builds, they will eventually explode. At which point, you’ll think they are overreacting or acting out/nagging.
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Relationships are not easy, and if you are not emotionally mature enough to handle one, don't engage. Do not open someone’s heart to you when you are not ready to carry it. How can you solve this? Put some distance between you and your person—not to cheat or date others, but to do some reflecting.
Change your environment; something as small as changing your view can help shift your perspective. Taking a stay-cation or venturing to a small island where the weather is warm and the breeze is blowing can help you be more open-minded and receptive to your partner and their grievances.
Remember, it’s you and them against the problem, not you versus them.
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HOW TO STOP FEELING INSECURE
I talk a lot about advocating for yourself and standing up for yourself whenever you are wronged by others. When you find yourself questioning your self-worth in your relationship and cannot advocate for yourself, whether it’s due to fear of abandonment or not wanting to upset the other person, then it's time to exit and seek individual help.
No relationship should make you feel fearful or disempowered. Your individuality should not be taken for granted or altered because you have a partner. Your partner is not your world; you still have to be your own person and have your own identity, as do they. So when your boundaries are crossed or you’ve witnessed an action that makes you uncomfortable, speak on it. Take their reaction to your confidence as a sign of whether or not you are compatible.
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As mentioned earlier, my exes and I at that time were incompatible because when they voiced their issues with me, I was not mature enough to have a positive response. With that, they ended their communication with me. As I’ve matured through the years, I can see now that they were not wrong in doing so. They were confident about their decisions, and even all these years later, I’ve simply had to accept that, learn from my mistakes, and grow. Now I know what to look for in new relationships and how to react to others whom I want to hold a permanent spot in my life.
Never be afraid to walk away from what is no longer serving you. Insecurities in relationships can be avoided when we decide to put ourselves first. You’re worth it, and you deserve the best that this world has to offer.