What Is the Role of Sexual Identity In Relationships?

A trend on social media can open our eyes to a wide array of changes happening around us—whether political, familial, or romantic.

Today, men and women seem to struggle with dating as men enter their "soft guy era" and women display more traits of masculinity than ever before. The phrase “We are the rich ni**as with money” has replaced the slogan “Money over bi*es.” Women have undoubtedly dominated the influencer and content creator space since as early as 2010, and as a result, many men find it harder to keep up financially and socially, yet they are still expected to cover 80-100% of the bills and support their partner. Are men happy? On the surface, yes, but on a deeper level, no.

Recently, I went on vacation with my cousin and his wife, and to my surprise, she revealed that she is solely responsible for paying all of their household bills—from rent to food. Yet, during the vacation, my male cousin paid for most expenses—the flight, luggage, food, etc. In a moment of transparency, he expressed his deep unhappiness, much to her disapproval.

“I pay for everything so he can focus on his business. I don’t know what he’s stressed or unhappy about,” his wife exclaimed. “I just hate that he doesn’t give me credit for the things I contribute.” While I couldn’t disagree with her, my cousin struggles with not being the provider in his household. Moreover, I observed that his wife often speaks over him, ignores him at times, bosses him around, and shuts down any moments of emotional vulnerability he displays. This could very well be the root of his unhappiness.

Men often believe that being the provider gives them control and protects their ego from being bruised. In the case of my cousin and his wife, her role as the breadwinner appears to emasculate him. Masculine men who date women who are the primary providers in their relationship are often not happy or comfortable, but many will stay until they achieve their personal goals.

We've heard the saying, “Never help a man get on his feet when there are men who are already standing.” This stems from the belief that when women hold financial power, it can bruise a man's ego. Men may project their insecurities, assuming that if a woman has money, she might cheat—because, for them, more money often means more options. While this projection may not hold true for women, it can lead to a breakdown in communication and ultimately the demise of the relationship.

Most men will leave a financially secure woman for one who is not because it is easier to cheat and be unfaithful to the latter versus the former. The woman with more resources has the ability to exit the relationship quickly and efficiently, unlike the woman who does not. Additionally, most men struggle with monogamy. It is important to discuss the role of sexual identity in your relationship.

THE ROLE OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

The average relationship may not delve into the topic of sexual identity because it seems self-explanatory, but when a relationship hits a wall, conversations about gender roles are often missing. As I mentioned earlier, social media trends can be eye-openers.

While some trends may be amusing, others are quite disturbing and should be studied for the truths they reveal. For example, the ‘big back’ trend exposes sizeism, while the ‘Kut Klose (Get Up On It)’ trend reveals men who struggle with their sexual identity by asking women for money, demanding low-effort meet-ups, or expecting women to lead in planning dates. These men may be grappling with their sexual identity.

Gender identity refers to one’s sense of maleness or femaleness, and it can be distinguished from gender role, which relates to the masculinity or femininity of one’s overt behavior. Gender identity often correlates strongly with biological sex, but this correlation is not perfect. Some individuals experience extreme discomfort with their biological sex and may desire to change to the opposite sex.

What we are noticing, particularly in the African American community, is that men often struggle with societal pressures to provide and protect. Instead of changing their sexual identity altogether, some lean into their feminine energy, allowing women to take on roles traditionally associated with men, such as paying bills, providing, and protecting. These men understand the importance of leaving a legacy and hope to find women who are masculine enough to help them achieve this while simultaneously relieving them of masculine responsibilities.

This is why, in the African American community, feminine women are, for the most part, so heavily demonized. The internal conflict arises from a lack of resources to be a provider, which leads to a scarcity mindset and the desire to access a plethora of women. To keep up with societal pressures and norms, these men also demonize single mothers, an external conflict driven by judgment from outside communities.

Do these men want to change or pivot? Most men want to pivot, which has given rise to the "soft guy era." They are too proud to change their gender but complacent enough to require a woman to lead or to test her loyalty. Men who are inexperienced in dating want to test women because the experienced man understands that women are natural followers in relationships. Women tend to take on the persona of the relationship they are in. Kourtney Kardashian is an example of a woman who embodies the persona of her partners.

She is feminine, and her men are masculine—they lead, and she follows. While some may argue that they don’t have to change their appearance to appease a relationship, it is inevitable for a woman to adopt some of her boyfriend’s expressions, mannerisms, and personality traits. Another example is Nicki Minaj, whose personality has shifted with her relationships. While with her ex-boyfriend Safaree, Minaj was pop, fun, and girly. Now with her husband Kenneth Petty, who displays aggressive, confrontational, and masculine traits, Minaj’s personality has shifted to be more hostile and cheeky.

Men are natural leaders, which is why it is so important for women to choose wisely, considering it is inevitable for us to shape-shift into who they are and become yoked. Men who are okay with women taking the lead may struggle with their gender or sexual identity and can prove problematic to women in the long run. They may drain a woman’s vitality, bank account, and youth.

Over time, these men may feel safe enough to fully embrace their identity, which could lead to situations where a woman discovers her partner is gay or transsexual. This revelation can be traumatic, potentially leading to the woman contracting an incurable disease or dealing with the emotional fallout of learning that her partner is now taken on the same gender identity. It's crucial to have discussions early on, not ignore the signs, and always aim for a masculine man if you are a feminine woman.

by Danielle Wright