by Danielle Wright
Did you know that provoking someone to elicit a response from them—whether positive or negative—is considered abuse?
Reactive abuse, to be exact. The term reactive abuse refers to a situation in a toxic or abusive relationship where the victim, after enduring prolonged abuse (emotional, psychological, or physical), reacts in an aggressive or confrontational way. This reaction is often used by the abuser to further manipulate the situation and portray the victim as the aggressor, thus justifying their own abusive behavior or deflecting responsibility.
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There are a few relationship dynamics where this kind of abuse can manifest itself—landlord-tenant relationships, romantic relationships, and family relationships, to name a few. We are often conditioned by our abusers early on, but many of us are oblivious to it, especially when the relationship is romantic. For instance, in a couple who starts dating, you might notice one person, typically the man, practicing what is known as the bait and switch.
At first, it is subtle because the person will text you each morning and call you each night, building a routine that releases a dopamine hit for you, especially if you like the person. More often than not, this person will make it their priority to get in touch with you so that you become accustomed to a routine. Once they know you are accustomed to this routine, they will slowly start to pull back their energy and give it to you at various times throughout the day.
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This lowers your dopamine levels and increases your anxiety. Anxiety triggers can lead to trauma bonding. When men advise one another to ‘keep her on her toes,’ it is another form of abuse because this triggers a woman’s attachment style. This will leave them dependent on that man to influence their mood and emotions. Once you find that you are growing anxious waiting for a man to reply on more than one occasion, it is time to walk away before it grows into something deeper and darker.
ABUSED WOMEN CAN’T KEEP FRIENDS...
Have you ever been out with a friend who just had an argument with her partner or whose partner is ghosting her, and she’s using you as a distraction from it all? Well, sometimes this can backfire, and when she’s intoxicated or dissociates, this can lead to an argument with you or other close friends. Their anger is misplaced because the person they are really upset with is not there for them to vent their frustrations.
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Additionally, most women do not want to look crazy or unstable in the eyes of the man they love, but will risk appearing this way towards their friends. It’s not that most women can’t keep friends; most women in toxic relationships who have unhealed trauma wounds cannot keep friends. Women are more likely to take the anger and frustration they have toward a man out on a girlfriend, whereas most men will find an outlet in either substance abuse, their partner (physical abuse), or being promiscuous. It is very seldom that a man’s emotions towards his partner will be reflected in his actions towards his friends (hence most men can retain their friendships).
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