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What Is Phantom Ex Syndrome?

by Danielle Wright

Picture this: You’ve matched with someone on a dating app, or a stranger at the bar just paid for your Midnight Iris cocktail.

What happens next is the start of an intriguing conversation that leads to you both exchanging numbers. Over the next couple of days, he asks you out on a date, and now, you’ve entered the dating stage. A man has one week from obtaining your phone number to set up a date. If he is unable to do so, maybe due to work commitments or traveling, politely let him know that you will not continue speaking with him until he has time to properly court and get to know you.


"As much as people try to deny this fact, it is the men who choose their partners, and it is the women who choose which of these men will receive a legacy. So, both parties are equally responsible for choosing right," says Lisa K. Stephenson, author of The Snows of Khione. 

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"In other words, every woman interested in dating is looking to be picked, and we should stop demonizing the term ‘pick me’ because if you want children and marriage, then being the woman who impresses a man well enough that he wants to make you his girlfriend, and later his wife, means you have a desire to be chosen. Chosen and picked are synonymous."


A man cannot make an informed decision on whether or not you and he are compatible if he cannot set aside an appropriate time and place for you both to get to know each other. Similarly, a woman cannot determine whether or not a man is a good leader and potentially a good role model for the children she wishes to have if he cannot date with intention.

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It's usually during these early stages that both women and men start to show their "red flags" (if any), but many of us ignore these flags if the person we’re dating meets or exceeds the physical standards or expectations we have for a mate. We cannot change the people we meet, especially as we get older. It's up to us to use our discernment, take things at face value, and walk away when necessary.


Men tend to walk away more easily than women from relationships that no longer serve them because men are the movers and the shakers—nothing about a relationship will progress without the man putting his best foot forward. What does this mean? It means that hunters can be choosers, and prey must wait. Men can approach a woman they are attracted to and potentially build a future with her once the feelings are mutual. Women, not so much. We have to want who wants us, because the second we approach a man, our value decreases in his eyes. Yes, I know, feminism says otherwise, but if you want more information on the difference between feminism and feminine energy, my article will be linked below.


In 2024, men have acquired enough sense to know that if they convince women to approach them first, it means the women are responsible for pushing things forward (i.e., dates, sex, etc.). This takes the pressure off the man, and even with the most conventionally attractive woman, he doesn't have to lean in to impress her or make her his girlfriend, let alone his wife.


Situations like this are where the "phantom ex syndrome" tends to rear its head. Men will compare the women in their lives—it's inevitable. He’s either going to see you as a downgrade from his past or an upgrade, but one of the main contributing factors to this is how much effort he’s invested into you from the moment you exchanged a ‘hello’. If the hello was initiated by you, but he and his ex met due to him making the first move, you’ve already started in the negative. If she were to ever come back around, he may leave you.


WHAT IS PHANTOM EX SYNDROME?

Phantom ex syndrome refers to the lingering emotional or psychological presence of a former romantic partner in someone’s life, even after the relationship has ended. It’s a term used to describe the phenomenon where an individual still feels the impact of their ex-partner’s influence, as if they are "haunted" by them. This can manifest in various ways, including comparing new relationships to the old one, imagining how the ex might react to situations, or experiencing emotional triggers that bring back memories of the former partner.


We all have a past, but for some of us, that past could be on a temporary hold or has permanently ended. A good example of this is Ms. Jackson, the young lady who dated Nelly for ten years following his breakup with singer Ashanti. Once Nelly and Ashanti rekindled their relationship, Ms. Jackson publicly stated that she did not see their breakup as permanent—she simply wanted to leave so that Nelly would see her value, return, and marry her. However, he had other plans the night he walked across that stage at the Verzuz event to greet Ms. Ashanti with that, “Where my hug at?” gesture.


This is a prime example of a man using one woman as a placeholder until he can have the woman his heart truly desires. The best way to spot if you’re a placeholder for a man looking to return to his ex is to observe how far he is willing to go to aid you in your day-to-day life. Is he a problem solver? Does he care about your well-being? Is he moving the relationship forward by planning dates and activities that he knows you are genuinely interested in? A man can remain in a relationship with a woman without being in love with her and they will always compare you to their last. So, what do you do?


  • You have to work on yourself and do the inner work so that your emotions are not influenced by the actions of others.

  • You need to be nonchalant toward relationship outcomes, not the relationship itself.

  • Never approach a man first. You need to master the art of flirting and, again, remain nonchalant about the outcome. If you flirt and he approaches you, great. If you flirt and never see or hear from him again, no problem. Lisa shares her experiences below:

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"I remember when I was working on the show She’s SINGLE New York, and some of the ladies invited the men they were dating. Those men invited their friends to the game night scene. We filmed, and once we wrapped the scene up, one of the guys approached me to ask for my number. I gave it to him, and in the middle of doing so, I glanced over at another gentleman who was staring at me! I found him attractive too, but I had to leave it alone—they were friends after all," she laughed.


"That night, as fate would have it, I was walking home, and another man approached me. He was driving by, he stopped, and asked for my number. I gave it to him. I'm single, alright. Fast forward, we go on our first date at a lovely restaurant, and who do I see there? The second guy from filming, with whom we exchanged looks. I didn’t think much of it, I went on about my date with this other guy. The moment I got home, I got a message on Instagram from the second man at the show, and I liked him. I cut off the other guys, and we dated for about a year." This is another example of using your feminine charm to lure but not chase.


The phantom ex syndrome is not something that you can control. If someone misses their ex, then that’s just what it is, but the less tethered you are to an outcome, the more favorable it will be.

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