What Does Single Mean In a Relationship?

Did you know that it's possible to feel single while being married or in a committed relationship? Whether it's long distance or you live with your person, sometimes partners can grow apart while they're together—separate togetherness is a state of being in a relationship while maintaining a sense of individuality and independence akin to that of being single. In this dynamic, partners maintain autonomy in their personal lives, interests, and goals, while still sharing a connection and commitment to one another.

It involves striking a delicate balance between togetherness and solitude, where each person retains their identity and freedom while actively participating in the relationship. This concept emphasizes the importance of fostering self-growth and fulfillment alongside mutual support and companionship within the partnership.

Individuality is not demonized in this sense; rather, it is praised as an important concept to uphold when you're in a relationship. However, dating someone who makes you feel alone is problematic when you're:

• Never being asked on dates or left alone on a Friday night
• Never feeling appreciated and spending holidays such as Mother's Day without a gift from your partner if you share children
• Never asked about your day or if you need assistance in your daily routine

Whatever it is, depending on your attachment style and love language, you could be single in your relationship. Different attachment styles call for different communication styles with your partner—part of loving you is knowing the 'how'. If you don't know how to articulate your wants, then you cannot expect them to know what they are.

When you accept the bare minimum from your partner, that is what you will receive. No one wants to do more than they have to if the results are the same in the end. For example, would you work 40+ hours to earn an $800 paycheck each week if you could earn the same amount of money working 20 hours?

This past Sunday, we celebrated Mother's Day, and to no surprise, the videos came rolling in of women complaining that their partners did not gift them anything. Some women were pregnant with their third child, and some were simply mothers residing with their husbands. These women expressed their frustrations to strangers online, versus communicating with the person they are married to or share a life with. It's not the job of strangers to communicate with your partner about your wants and needs.

But make no mistake, because men were clapping back, with some saying, "My wife is not my mom; therefore, I don't see the point of getting her a Mother's Day gift." In this instance, we cannot blame the man; we have to blame the woman. What happened after baby number one, and Mother's Day rolled around? Did you receive a gift then? If not, what made you stay and have babies number two and three? At some point, we as women have to take accountability and learn that sharing our wants and needs should result in their achievement; otherwise, there is no point in staying in the relationship.

If your love language is something along the lines of quality time and gift-giving, then it's important for you to find a person who complements that. When you fail to do so, you end up in a relationship or marriage that is unequally yoked. The person who shares the most or gives the most is always going to be the most vulnerable and susceptible to bad treatment.

When this happens, it becomes harder for a woman to leave the relationship; she will accept any kind of mistreatment because she refuses to lose out on her investment—whether that’s time, patience, teaching him how to love, cater to, and be the man you want him to be. But the trick is, you should never help a man to become a better version of himself; he will resent you for it.

A clean slate is better than staying with someone who refuses to let the old you die so the new you can emerge. Men are privy to this, so if you allow him to mistreat you once, he won’t change; he will simply let you complain and then use that as an excuse for him needing to move on to someone else. The foundation must be laid in the beginning—you cannot build a sturdy home on faulty ground. There are four attachment styles to be mindful of and the styles that best complement them:

SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE individuals are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They are able to trust their partners, communicate effectively, and maintain healthy boundaries. These styles are best matched with another person with a secure attachment style. Two secure individuals can build a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support, fostering a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

ANXIOUS-PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT individuals crave closeness and fear abandonment. They may become clingy or overly dependent on their partners, seeking constant reassurance and validation. These styles are best matched with a partner with a secure attachment style. A secure partner can provide the reassurance and stability that an anxious-preoccupied individual seeks, helping to alleviate their fears of abandonment and insecurity.

AVOIDANCE-DISMISSIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE individuals prioritize independence and may struggle with intimacy. They may avoid emotional vulnerability and intimacy, often withdrawing or distancing themselves from their partners. These styles are best partnered with a secure or anxious-preoccupied attachment style individual. The secure partner can provide emotional support and encouragement for the avoidant to become more comfortable with intimacy. Alternatively, the anxious-preoccupied partner may pursue the avoidant-dismissive partner, providing the closeness and reassurance they crave.

Lastly, we have the FEARFUL-AVOIDANCE ATTACHMENT STYLE. This style is also known as disorganized attachment; it combines aspects of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style desire close relationships but fear rejection and intimacy. They may vacillate between seeking closeness and withdrawing from their partners.

A fearful-avoidant can be complemented by a partner with a secure attachment style who can provide stability and support, helping them to navigate their conflicting desires for closeness and independence. However, relationships between two fearful-avoidance individuals may struggle due to their shared fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

Overall, you want to learn as much about your partner as you possibly can before committing to a relationship and/or marriage. Once a behavior becomes normalized, it is hard to change.

by Danielle Wright