by Danielle Wright
Did you know there are two times as many Black women with children than there are Black men? That tells you that women are having relations with the same man…
This article is not to bash or blame one race or gender but to shed light on a topic that has long since brought about a debate among women and men. We see online that there are comments, memes and posts centered about Black single mothers who are told they should have made better choices when deciding to procreate with a particular man.
It seems accountability on both sides remains elusive. Women argue that men pretend to be amazing partners in the beginning and then change once the woman announces she is with a child. Men, on the other hand, demand that women take full accountability knowing that the choice to have a child is a unilateral decision and red flags are almost always present, even at the beginning of a relationship with a so-called “perfect man”. So where does this leave us?
Most women do not dream of being a single mom when they grow up, but it does happen and when it does, she is going to want to date, and realistically, why shouldn’t she? There seems to be a stigma attached to single moms that we consider to be undeserving. Most single moms are hard-working, committed, and dedicated to their home and children.
They are the ones who stuck around and did not abandon their responsibility – choosing the wrong partner or not, this is commendable. So knowing this, why would any man object to dating a single mom? Overall, it depends on the man. How old is he? His morals, his values, and where he seems himself, future wise. How does he treat other women and does he have a stable job, home, etc.?
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Most men when they first stumble upon a single mom may ponder a few things:
Do you have the financial means to care for your child/children?
Do you have a job?
Are you educated?
Are you simply looking for someone to be a father figure to your children?
Are things truly over with your baby father?
These are reasonable things to wonder about as no man wants to feel obligated to responsibilities he did not create. Single moms looking to date should be several things:
Straightforward and transparent
Patient and loving
Responsible for your actions and that of your children
Meticulous about who you date
Drama free
That last one is a big one. This goes for both single fathers and mothers looking to date. Most people want a drama-free relationship. Despite the negative stereotypes associated with single moms, it is not hard to believe that many men do not have a problem. One man commented, “It’s not the ideal situation for me. It seems like baggage and I wouldn’t want to be involved in any baby-daddy drama.” Yet, another commenter said, “It’s not about her being a mom. If she’s attractive and we have things in common, I would date her.” So you see, some do and some don’t, both of which are OK.
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However, on the darker side of things, single moms should tread lightly. Some men are just out to use them and not settle down or assume any responsibility once they become an item. It is not uncommon for some men to take a single mother as a “side chick” or a woman that is part of a rotation. You see, some men like to have fun and things like canceling plans or having childcare issues or just not having the energy to go out can be seen as a red flag and he may lose interest.
But despite his loss of interest in seeing you outside of your home, he may still come over, watch some shows on Hulu, Netflix, and Max to name a few, have sex, and then leave. Nate, a single man in his 20’s said, “I bet she has really good snacks at her place. Fruit roll-ups, pizza bagels, and like a cookie jar that is always filled up.” It is not uncommon for some men to think this way, seeing you, a single mom as a free vending machine.
What about successful men? Now, we don’t live under a rock, we know of the late Kevin Samuels and his opinion on single women and dating successful men. His opinion is that the likelihood of a successful man dating a single mom is near impossible.
But, men who earn 80K and above have stated the opposite, “Single moms who take responsibility for their families, who are awesome moms, and successful in their lives are extremely desirable and attractive.” Most men are not interested in whether or not a woman earns a 6-figure income, but are more interested in knowing whether or not said woman can be submissive, attentive, and kind.
“She knows true love and has demonstrated an emotional connection that childless women have not.”
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“We like women who are strong, stable, and feminine – all the qualities of a successful single mom,” says another user.
So you see, many successful men will date a single mom. Don’t get discouraged or feed into the negative stereotypes, and most importantly – if you’re struggling with this – do not blame yourself for “choosing” wrong or having to be a single mother. You’re doing great!