The Evolution of Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships

We all want to be desired by our partners in every sense of the word—especially when it comes to being sexually wanted by them. Interestingly enough, a Missie wrote in asking, "How do I get my boyfriend to want to have sex with me more? Since moving in together, we barely have sex, and he doesn’t seem as interested any longer."

There are no set bedroom rules for couples, but rather relationship communication tools that can aid in creating a better environment for your sexual needs to be met. Of course, there are a number of reasons why sex may have gone out of your relationship: infidelity, lack of trust, insecurities, erectile dysfunction, and other relationship issues that may be present.

It’s hard for the average man to express himself emotionally, which can lead to resentment and no real solution. But because men are action-oriented, he may not speak with his words but through his actions, causing him to pull away sexually. As a huge fan of the show "90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?," I was shocked to learn that the majority of the couples are not having sex, whether it’s Gino and Jasmine, Michael and Angela, or Rob and Sophie.

But there is a common issue among all of them—lack of sexual desire from their partner. Gino is not sexually attracted to Jasmine because he says she is argumentative, and her constant bickering is a turn-off to him. Sophie is not sexually attracted to Rob because she does not trust him, and his cheating in the past has led to her feeling insecure in their relationship.

Lastly, Angela and Michael seem to be in an abusive relationship, which makes his sexual attraction to her almost nonexistent. But each of the partners who are no longer desired by their significant other is confused as to why. Perhaps it’s a lack of self-awareness, lack of empathy/understanding, or maybe they just don’t care and believe that sex should happen one way or another despite their personal feelings.

Make no mistake, something terrible does not have to present itself in a relationship for sexual desire to dwindle. According to statistics, one in every seven married couples is not having sex, or they are in a sexless relationship/marriage. But how did we get here, and is there a solution?

THE EVOLUTION OF SEXUAL DESIRE IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS –

The initial stage is the attraction and high desire for one another. At the beginning of any relationship, couples often experience intense sexual desire driven by novelty, curiosity, and the excitement of new love, aided by their biological desires, such as high levels of dopamine, serotonin, and other feel-good hormones being released, contributing to frequent and passionate sexual encounters.

It’s usually during this stage that most couples begin to spend a lot of time together, and their motivation in other areas of their lives starts to dwindle. For example, a man who enjoys the gym as recreation may lower his time spent there once he is getting that dopamine hit from home. Typically, when a husband begins cheating, one of the signs is his increased time in the gym, but no longer wanting to be sexual with his partner. This correlates to that initial stage of attraction for someone else they want to impress while choosing not to engage sexually with their partner.

A deepened emotional connection is when the relationship deepens, and that initial passion blends with emotional intimacy. Sexual desire may still be strong, but it is increasingly tied to feelings of love and connection. During this time, you may start to release the attachment hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are related to bonding and play a significant role in sustaining sexual desire as they promote feelings of safety and attachment.

A self-proclaimed relationship coach online made a statement; she said, “If you want a man to love you, then you need to stress him out,” but here’s the thing: she’s wrong about the love part. Vasopressin is a stress hormone that plays an important role in the body’s response to stress, and when this is released, it creates a trauma bond between two people, not a loving relationship where you’re staying together because you desire one another.

The release of vasopressin alone can create a trauma bond which is a psychological response to abuse that can occur in a relationship, where strong emotional attachments are formed between a person and someone who abuses or mistreats them. All in all, if your goal is to rekindle sexual desire, then you don’t want to stress out your partner or allow them to stress you out.

Next, of course, is routine and familiarity, which occur over time as couples fall into a routine and the novelty of sexual experiences can diminish. The frequency of sexual activity might decrease, but the quality of the emotional connection can deepen. We see this in the film Fun With Dick and Jane when Dick, played by Jim Carrey, and Jane, played by Tea Leoni, schedule a night for sex and quickly go to bed afterward.

This was funny for a couple of reasons: (1) couples who schedule intimacy do so because there is an increased understanding between partners for sexual intimacy, and (2) sexual encounters need to be more predictable for both partners to properly prepare in order to have a successful night of passion. If she’s let the hair grow where it wants to and his balls aren’t washed, but sex happened randomly, then it’s safe to say that this one moment for intimacy will be pointless and unenjoyable.

The art of rekindling that desire then requires a conscious effort on both parties involved to keep the sexual aspect of their relationship alive. This can involve new activities, trying new experiences, and in the case of Dick and Jane, doing something that gets the adrenaline pumping, which leads to having a night of passion and looking at the relationship with a fresh pair of eyes. Open and honest communication about sexual needs and desires becomes increasingly important in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship despite what stage you are at in the relationship.

Aging is certainly another factor that drives the evolution of sexual desire. Most men in their 40s and 50s are not as motivated sexually, whereas for women, their sex drive may be strongest in their 30s and 40s. Depending on your age and that of your partner, this can play a huge role in their desire for sex, plus the longer you’re together, there is that sense of familiarity, which breeds a more grounded environment where there is mutual respect, understanding, and love.

Not only that, but there are also health challenges at this point to consider. Some men experience erectile dysfunction as mentioned earlier, and women with menopause, and so forth. But couples who undergo these inevitable changes in their lives together have a deeper emotional connection and will usually find new ways to connect.

When it comes to long-term sexual fulfillment, couples have to prioritize one another and evolve together, which encompasses embracing changes, maintaining curiosity, and supporting one another’s desires. Sustaining intimacy at any level of your relationship starts with touch, companionship, and non-sexual expressions. If you and your partner have been together for 7+ years, then it’s perfectly normal for each of you to no longer prioritize sex.

Take this time to find other ways to release those feel-good hormones together. Consider things like hiking, pottery classes, meditation, and even involving yourselves in humanitarian efforts. These are all excellent bonding activities that will leave you feeling refreshed and satisfied. Don’t get discouraged if you and your partner are no longer as sexually active as you used to be. Take this time to get closer to each other in other ways.

by Danielle Wright