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Jul 197 min read

Soul Searching In a Relationship

by Danielle Wright

There comes a time in many long-term relationships when one may begin the process of soul-searching.

The idea is not to leave your partner or dissolve your marriage; it’s simply a moment to reflect on your life choices and find a balance between who you are as a person and who you’re meant to be within your household. Whether you’re a mom, a wife, or both, it’s perfectly normal to feel a sense of nostalgia or longing for your past self, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. As you contemplate your life choices, you may want to distance yourself a bit to travel, have solo date nights, and maybe even take up a new hobby aimed at finding clarity.


Soul-searching while in a relationship is a tricky thing to navigate because it can come with mom guilt or your spouse feeling isolated. Before you begin this journey to rediscovering yourself, be sure to identify your attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style, then this is something you should heavily consider pursuing, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. People with secure attachment styles need to recharge to maintain and foster a healthy and fulfilling relationship.


Family vlogs are insanely popular on social media platforms such as YouTube and TikTok, but what is most noticeable is that the moms rarely take time for themselves, and when they are having downtime, they are still usually with their youngest. When a parent cannot seem to separate from their child—even if it means recharging to be better fit to care for their child—it’s usually due to a lack of trust in those around them.

Related articles: What is Self-Abandonment?


When moms are burdened with the responsibility of caring for everyone in the home except themselves, they will either rush their morning routine to get back in control and keep things in order, or they’ll refuse to check out, believing the job won’t get done at all. When we work hard for something or towards something, it becomes invaluable to us.


With this, it gets harder to break away because who else is going to love what you love as much as you do? Who else is going to take that extra minute to cut the pancakes into stars and hearts for the kids when you’re not around? The small details, the things that we know make the people around us happy, can bring you so much joy that you inadvertently forget about your own well-being.

Related articles: Do People Love Differently?


After a while, when you stop taking small moments to practice self-care and self-love, you’ll experience burnout. By the time this happens, the people around you will be shocked and may appear ungrateful or blindsided when you decide to put up those boundaries and step away for a moment. As mentioned earlier, it’s good to know what type of attachment style you have, as this will help you in the long run.


If you have a secure attachment style, communicating is easy for you, although the downside is that sometimes that communication may come at an inappropriate time or inconvenience others. On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you’re less likely to have boundaries and will only advocate for yourself once you’ve reached your peak stress levels due to your excessive need to please people and avoid being alone.


I can share an example of what this looks like in a relationship—the Real Housewives of Dubai’s Caroline Stanbury and her husband Sergio Carrallo. She has a secure attachment style, and he has an anxious attachment style. While a relationship between these two people can work, it’s apparent that she has no problems setting boundaries and sticking to them, whereas he’s okay with bending backward and feeling unappreciated or even taunted at times if it means her feathers remain unruffled.


When it’s time for you to begin your soul-searching journey, it’s recommended that you start by tackling the type of attachment style that you have and work your way up from there. You don’t want to start this journey feeling unsure of why you’re doing it or how your actions are going to make others feel. This isn’t about them; this is about you.


COMMUNICATE

Be sure to communicate openly with your partner. A part of taking time for your self-development is being able to express your emotions clearly. You need to advocate what you’re feeling so that others are aware. Another good example of this is when Lesa is having dinner with her husband (another RHODubai couple) and she explains to him that she feels overwhelmed with their kids, her job, and trying to be a good wife. He is receptive to her emotions and offers his assistance.


While this is not her taking time away for herself, it’s a step in the right direction. By discussing this now, she is opening the floor for him to be more hands-on, which will increase trust and therefore make it easier for her to slip away on a retreat, a trip, or even dine alone if she needs to. Once she gives him the chance to show her that he is capable of going the extra mile and ensuring that the children are as much a priority to him as they are to her, her mind can be at ease. It’s important to know that your partner understands and supports your need for self-discovery.


SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND PRIORITIZE TIME MANAGEMENT

While setting boundaries can be easy, enforcing them can be tricky. Once you commit to soul-searching, you have to make it clear that you have your time and what is supposed to transpire during this time. What does this look like? Maybe you have a home gym, and you decide that at noon every other day you want to be in the gym doing Pilates or getting a good workout in.


Don’t take this for granted by allowing your family or friends to impose on you during this time. Once you have this moment set aside for yourself, take it and be consistent. Children and even men thrive on routine. The problem is many moms and wives don’t include themselves in the routine, and so everyone gets accustomed to you being everything, everywhere, all at once.


Their routine is then disrupted when you decide to abruptly make changes. It’s good to sit everyone down and explain what your boundaries mean for you, what that time away will entail, and what is expected of everyone around you. Don’t go back and forth, don’t negotiate, and don’t try to minimize the importance of your soul-searching journey. It’s important to you, so it should be important to everyone else.

Related articles: Five Love Languages Summary


ENGAGE IN ACTIVITIES THAT FOSTER SELF-DISCOVERY

Maybe working out isn’t your thing, and that’s okay. Some other activities to consider are attending workshops, retreats, and reading during your meditation break. Turn off the television, put on some low music, dim the lights, close the curtains, and curl up with a good book. Aim for books that come with a journal to help you keep track of your thoughts as you read. This will further help to keep you engaged in the story and aid that feeling of escapism.


Lisa’s novel, The Snows of Khione, is a great series to dive into. It’s about a young girl who discovers that she is half Modiri and half human. Upon learning about this, she disobeys the laws and ventures below the depths of the sea, where she learns more about her lineage. But of course, this doesn’t come without its repercussions—both for her and her family on land. A new story with a great twist and an original idea taking place 400 years after the Artificial Intelligence war, it is now 2450. The book also comes equipped with a journal. You can learn more about the book here.


THERAPY

The most important part of your soul-searching journey is re-learning yourself and re-igniting that fire within you that burned before you became the person who you are today. Not only that, but also adding to that person to foster personal development and growth. You can be thirty-four years old and remember the girl who used to party and get drunk every night in her twenties.


Although you don’t want to engage in such destructive behaviors, you should want to take away some parts of that girl’s life and incorporate them into your day-to-day now. For example, instead of going out every weekend and getting wasted, you can take the weekends to catch up with friends at a nice brunch, wear age-appropriate clothing, go for walks, or train for a marathon.


It’s not the drunk girl you miss; it’s the freedom that drunk girl used to have and how carefree her life used to be that you miss. Therapy can help you to uncover all of this and give you the tools necessary to guide you through this journey. You’re not alone, as there are plenty of other women out there just like you—longing to reconnect with their inner child. Heal those wounds so you can be a better version of yourself.


SHARING

As you venture through your self-discovery, don’t keep others in the dark. Share your life and give updates on your personal growth. You’d be surprised how interesting you become when you have a life of your own and details to share. Once you become a parent, you can get enveloped into this world of, “Look what my son did last Thursday!” and next thing you know, you’re no longer a person.


You’re a shell of who you used to be, and when your husband comes home, he doesn’t want to hear about the children; he wants to hear about you. What did you do today? What exciting thing happened while you were out? What new thing did you discover? That person you were before him and before the kids is who he fell in love with; the person you’re becoming is who he will continue to love.


I hope this article helped, and as always, please be sure to share it, as someone else may need this advice as well.

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