by Lorraine Jones
Manipulation hides in the cracks of self-doubt and lack of self-awareness. Sometimes it can be so subtle or by those closest to you that you almost don’t even realize it’s there. The last person you’d think would manipulate you besides your mom, can very well be your friend. The scary truth is it's easiest for those in your inner circle to partake in these mind games because they know your mannerisms better than anyone.
When you are dealing with manipulation there is an imbalance of power in which you are being exploited for the benefit of the other person. Manipulation by nature is difficult to detect if it's carried out by someone you’ve shared fond memories with. This negative social influence on such a personal level is tough for anyone to accept. That sick realization that someone you think of as a friend is manipulating you is never a good feeling.
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Madison Tong, a Digital Marketing Assistant, has first-hand experience with what it feels like to be constantly controlled and influenced by a close friend. “She would always judge me for not doing something she was doing. I felt uncomfortable at times, but she would attempt to make me feel bad about not doing it and tried to influence me otherwise.
For example, there was one time that she wanted to drink and we were both underage. She made me feel bad about not drinking with her and seemed like the issue was all my fault.” If a friend is guilting you into doing something you have made clear that you don’t want to do and tries to play on your emotions to influence the situation into going their way, that is a huge red flag of manipulation.
It took a third party to help Tong see this tactic. Often when a friend is manipulating you, you are too close to the situation to see it for yourself, so when others point out these mind games, listen! Whether a friendship is new or old, it is hard to determine whether this is a healthy or toxic relationship. This is why I cannot stress enough the importance of self-awareness!
Self-awareness is key when dealing with a manipulative friend. Get in touch with
yourself and your emotions. If you feel your voice isn’t being heard, or your feelings are constantly being invalidated, or you are influenced to do things you don’t want to do, it's not fair to accept this from a friend.
Signs of manipulation to look out for can include:
Peer pressure
Gaslighting
Passive-aggressiveness
Inconsideration
User/exploiter
Additionally, “When your friend does not take your feelings into account or when discussions are one-sided, it is never a good sign. When your friends start getting defensive and when you hold them accountable for their behaviors and attitudes, they become protective and unwilling to comprehend your viewpoint; it is safe to say, they do not have your best interest at heart,” said Daniela Sawyer, founder and Business Development Strategist of FindPeopleFast.net, a web-based people searching website.
You have to establish boundaries in every relationship. This can be most beneficial when dealing with overly opinionated friends. “There is a boundary in friendship, and that boundary is self-respect. When or if your friend crosses this line you may realize that you are being manipulated. In a company, mutual trust and respect for each other are very crucial.”
There’s a slight distinction to be made between conscious and unconscious manipulation when it comes to friends. When we hear the term manipulation we often think of calculated and planned exploitation, but that's not always the case. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps your friend’s judgment was clouded or they thought they knew what was best for you when it was only what was best for them.
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Confronting them can be daunting but is the only option in terming how to proceed with this friendship. As previously mentioned, if this friend is defensive when you confront them or is resistant to hearing your perspective then that should solidify for you that it is time to walk away.
In a healthy friendship, you bring out the best in each other. If you notice that the friendship is draining, affecting your physical and mental health negatively, this warrants an evaluation of the friendship as a whole. If your friend does not respect you or your feelings then they aren't a true friend and should not occupy a space in your life.