by Danielle Wright
By now, you’ve seen the post—Bambi from the hit reality TV show Love and Hip Hop gifted her ex, Scrappy, with a bouquet of roses to show her appreciation for him being a good and present father.
While this gesture may have been innocent enough, the internet did not hold back in sharing their opinions, with some stating, “You’re supposed to be a present parent,” and others saying, “I could see if it were a stepdad, but… that’s his job to be present and involved.”
However, while the comments did include some naysayers, there were also plenty of positive takes: “There is nothing wrong with a woman acknowledging the father with flowers; they already get bashed and recognized quickly for being absent.”
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So, here’s the question: Should mothers give appreciation gifts to co-parenting fathers for being active and present? The short answer is no, but the long answer is, do what you believe is best for you and your family. Men interpret positive reinforcement differently from women—a woman sees roses as a sign of their partner’s interest in the relationship, while a masculine man might see flowers gifted to him as an imbalance of power.
This imbalance of power arises when one person gives everything, and the other does not have to work for it. The man might feel dominant in the relationship and, consciously or unconsciously, treat the woman with less respect or kindness because he feels less invested. In almost any case where a marriage has dissolved due to infidelity on the man’s part, it is his duty and responsibility to rectify matters and create a healthy environment where he, his children, and his ex-partner can thrive.
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In almost every instance where the woman rewards a man for his unfavorable acts, the behavior never changes. Most men may appreciate this gesture, but it will only reinforce their negative behaviors, making it more likely that, if given another chance, they will cheat and lie again, as long as they maintain the behavior that got them rewarded in the first place.
In this example, Bambi shares that she is gifting Scrappy roses because he has been present and a great father to their children—very attentive, supportive, and kind. This may have been his way of mending fences with his estranged wife because he knew she held the power to decide whether or not they could get back together. In true male fashion, he stepped up and began exhibiting trustworthy behavior, using the children as leverage since that’s what matters to her the most.
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Sadly, however, the power dynamic has shifted, and he now feels more confident in his ability to re-earn her trust, rekindle their marriage, and potentially cheat again. While it is not wrong to gift your partner flowers or anything else to show appreciation for their contribution to your family, it should only be done when you and your partner are together in a stable, happy, faithful marriage or relationship.
Outside of that, you are reinforcing the behaviors that led to the separation in the first place—the person who broke the relationship is responsible for fixing it. A simple, “I really appreciate you for all you’re doing to be present and a great dad to the children despite our differences,” would have sufficed. This would have reinforced his behavior, allowing him the space to continue doing what he knows will earn him that second chance he yearns for while simultaneously leaving you, the woman, in the position of power.
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Some people, regardless of gender, are drawn to relationships that present a certain level of challenge or mystery. If a woman is overly giving and does not ask for anything in return, the man might feel less motivated to put in effort, as the relationship lacks a sense of pursuit or challenge. Over time, this can lead to a lack of respect, and while her efforts are appreciated now because they are not together, once he conquers her again, these efforts will become pointless and less appealing.
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