Rape Stories: How to Overcome Sexual Abuse by a Husband
The Gisele Pelicot case is sending shockwaves through the marital community, and for good reason. Pelicot, who was allegedly drugged by her now-former husband so that he and others could assault her, arrived at a courthouse in Avignon, Southern France, on October 16. The trial in France is exposing how pornography, chat rooms, and men’s disdain for or hazy understanding of consent are fueling rape culture—and apparently, not even their wives are exempt.
“Women don’t need men to protect them; they just need men to stop being who they need protection from,” one user on X wrote. Marital rape is non-consensual sexual activity between spouses, where one partner forces or coerces the other into sexual acts without their consent. It’s a form of domestic abuse and sexual violence, often driven by power and control within the relationship; however, there are no laws against it.
If marital rape is illegal, how can Dominique Pelicot, 71, be punished for his crimes? Pelicot is being charged with a litany of offenses, including rape, gang rape, and privacy breaches, along with 50 other men currently aged 26 to 74, who are facing up to 20 years in jail for their alleged offenses against his 72-year-old wife, Gisele Pelicot.
As if the social media trends showing husbands shoving their wives' faces into cakes or pushing them into pools to embarrass them on their wedding day are not enough, we now see men who are sexually abusing their wives without facing real repercussions. Pelicot is only being brought to justice because of the additional men he allowed to rape his wife, not solely due to his actions.
Overcoming sexual abuse in a marriage, especially when marital rape isn’t illegal, can be challenging and complex, but here are a few steps to consider:
- Develop a safety plan and support network – Identify trusted friends or support groups who can provide both emotional and logistical support.
- Financial independence and strategic planning – Never, ever rely solely on a man for financial support; it will almost always backfire. Always have a safety net and a backup plan. Some men may encourage you to quit your job or give up on your hopes and dreams to become a trailing spouse or, worse, a girlfriend. Don’t let this happen—have your own aspirations and go after them, even if it means putting your relationship on pause or ending things altogether. A woman afraid to lose her man will lose her man.
- Engage with therapy and trauma processing techniques – Seek support from a therapist who specializes in trauma and domestic abuse. Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or cognitive behavioral approaches can help rebuild confidence, process trauma, and develop resilience.
These steps are only a starting point because as women, we need to understand that empowering women is not just of moral importance but an existential one. A woman’s freedom is linked to humanity’s collective liberation. Human services workers have shared some of their experiences working with terminally ill married women and the disturbing incidents they’ve witnessed, with some users sharing:
"I worked in ITC and had a lady with Alzheimer’s whose husband would take her for 'walks' while she was in a wheelchair. When she returned, she had grass and dirt in her underwear—it was horrible."
"I worked on an Alzheimer wing. We had female residents in the last stages, nearly vegetative and nonverbal. Their husbands would come in and have sex with them, and we would then have to clean them up."
"We had a wound care patient with half her vulva gone. We kept finding semen in the wound. Doctors told the husband to stop having sex with her due to infection risk. She eventually died because he did not stop. Males are subhuman; they are inferior to us and need to be treated as such."
Women do indeed deserve better, and this can start as early as dating, when a man emotionally blackmails his girlfriend or fiancée into sex. “I remember when I was in a relationship with my ex—around 2011 or so—and he wanted to have sex. I was exhausted because at the time I was working two jobs, had just finished my second shift, and just wanted to sleep. I remember him smacking me so hard out of my sleep. I woke up and begrudgingly gave in. Some years later—around 2021—long after we had broken up, I came across some of his old tweets in which he actually tweeted about smacking me out of my sleep, and his friend dared him to do it online. I can only assume that’s why he did it,” shares author Lisa K. Stephenson.
Men who become impatient or irate because their wife or girlfriend is not in the mood for intimacy are showing her that he is not a safe space for her, either in that moment or ever. Expectations of intimacy are a major driving force behind abuse toward women—whether it’s a man taking a woman on a date or a husband coming home after a long day’s work and feeling entitled to sex.
Many men feel they have a right to a woman’s body even if that woman is not their wife, and this sense of entitlement can be even worse when she is. This is called entitlement, and all men possess it to some degree—though some have a higher emotional IQ that allows them to show more empathy toward their wives, while others are just downright selfish and will harm their partners for the sake of their own satisfaction.
The ongoing trial involving Diddy, aka Sean Combs, is another example of this behavior. Though he was not married, he allegedly used his status as a means to control the women around him. His entitlement came from knowing he had something others wanted—whether fame or money—and if that wasn’t enough to sway them into giving him consent, he would reportedly drug these women, and sometimes men, to achieve the same outcome.
Men are often not interested in changing themselves, only the people around them. While some women may be opposed to this behavior and exit the relationship quickly, others will endure years—even decades—of abuse before setting themselves free. Would consequences deter these actions? Perhaps they would, or perhaps they could lead to the reevaluation of the nuclear family. If men no longer believed marriage and relationships guaranteed perpetual access to a woman’s body, would they still seek them out and what would be the alternative?
Men often act in ways that benefit themselves, and “Should I just be intimate with my husband so he does not berate me and stays in a good mood?” is a question many marriages and relationships come down to, ultimately leading a woman to resent her partner. Men can remain oblivious to this, often assuming they are not contributing to their wife’s mood swings or feeling blindsided when she initiates a divorce.
The average man knows little about the female anatomy, and while those on the outside may speculate on why some relationships end after a woman gives birth, it could be as simple as her not wanting to have sex right away. The six-week period for postpartum recovery may not be honored or respected, and so, she leaves. Empowering women takes many forms and must be taken more seriously. Women should not be blamed for birthing children and then leaving relationships where they no longer feel safe or respected—not even long enough for their bodies to heal.
“Men need to start off in jail and work their way out.”
by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson
