by Danielle Wright
“You gon’ cry in a Honda or a Ferrari?” – Future, Rapper 2018
A while back many women were claiming to be ‘perpetually single’ all along my Facebook timeline and I could not figure out why anyone would want that—but, it’s not a lifestyle, it’s a mindset. Therefore, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that perpetual singlehood doesn’t look too bad.
Perpetually single people are used to loving someone deeply without any guarantee of reciprocation—a hopeless romantic with realistic expectations. They are aware that love is always changing and are content with the fact that there may not always be a happy ending fairytale—this makes them hard to love.
Author and Relationship Coach, Lisa K. Stephenson, says, “Am I generous and kind? Yes. Will I be open-minded about a relationship, and submissive? Yes. Do I want to be courted into a life where I can rest in my feminine energy? Yes, I am the prize after all. But am I a fool in love who will toss her common sense out of the window and place my trust completely in the opposite sex, leaving myself entirely vulnerable to being hurt? No.
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I am realistic in knowing that people are not property; we do not own anyone and in the blink of an eye someone’s feelings towards me may change—or vice versa—and I am prepared to accept that. Hello, perpetual singlehood.”
A perpetually single person demands a true connection before they choose to open up and share their feelings or thoughts. Could this be you? If so, keep reading. Studies have shown that American women are more likely to put up with lackluster love and sex lives than in any other country. Think about it, Arabic women, French women, and Italian women, their mindset on love differs vastly from our own.
According to Guy Blaise, an author and Frenchman living and working in America, “As I say, ‘the worm is in the fruit’ because of the Puritans who, in my opinion, screwed up the whole nation with their vision on what a traditional marriage should look like. Their vision, with wives to be—the perfect little housewife who was meant to bow down to her husband’s needs, hers never considered. To this, must be added the sexual education of men through pornography—the ‘taboo’ aspect of what they were seeing on screens and not in the reality of their bedroom.
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Some women stay in relationships out of duty, economic needs, and not especially, out of love. The idea of sex to some women, in my experience, is out of obligation and not desire. They have ignored their wants and needs in their sexual relationships because the idea of giving into their passions has been, for many years, painted with a dirty brush as provocative and risqué.”
So, what does this mean for the perpetually single woman? There is a plethora of misconceptions about the [single woman] and heaven forbid you’re a woman who exclaims, “I am single by choice.” Granted, we all want love but why is it wrong to want a love we believe we deserve rather than one that is forced upon us? Men do not have to settle. Men get to hunt and pursue the women they want, no? This brings me to my first misconception:
SINGLE WOMEN ARE TOO PICKY
Excuse me? For any relationship to work, there must be a mutual attraction—both physically and mentally. Knowing how someone will turn out beforehand is impossible as we all know people can be deceiving. I am sickened to my stomach when I read things like, “Well, you should have chosen better” as we continue to navigate this misogynistic world packed with narcissists trying to find a mate who is even remotely capable of being a good provider and emotional support system. According to Sarah Nazim, if a man is not:
Actively pursuing you in the beginning
Putting in reciprocal effort
Consistent
Capable of carrying on a meaningful conversation
Self-aware
Respectful
Emotionally intelligent or striving to be, then why are you considered picky?
If anything, you should be considered smart. Women in other parts of the world are praised for not settling for worthless men who are not at all first, providers. Yet, here in America, they’ve coined the term “gold-digger” and demonized the mindset of a “perpetually single woman” as a way of trying to lower our standards and expectations to meet the satisfaction of men who are simply failing at life despite the head-start they were given.
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THEY ARE CAREER BASED
Yes, there can be some truth to this, but there are two things to consider:
(1) A woman who is passionate about her career is most likely filling the void of not having a healthy relationship. She is occupying her mind with something positive and beneficial to her as an overall human being. If and when she finds a good man capable of leading; someone she finds worthy of submission, she will no doubt make some changes on the career front.
(2) She is a 50/50 wife and without her contribution to household essentials her livelihood will be jeopardized. Again, women are taught in America to stray from seeking relationships/marriages where the man is the sole provider because if she falls into this, she is considered lazy and less attractive to her counterpart.
The solution then, is, of course, to adopt a mindset that is comfortable for you, the individual.
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INDEPENDENT BADDIE
“Single women are too independent and hyper-masculine.”
Any woman that is in her masculine does not have a masculine partner. Men have seemingly traded places in this day and age—requesting flowers on the first date, going Dutch on the first date, and being taken on expensive excursions. There is nothing wrong with this as the relationship progresses, the problem is, men want to be courted into a relationship they know they do not even want or will cherish.
Most men cheat, that is a fact. Now, let’s imagine the woman hunts the man, courts the man, and then he tires of her—as most men do—and decides to stray. What then? Will men finally be held accountable for something? Anything? Perhaps not, they will still find a way to blame the woman.
“Well, you should have courted him longer.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have let yourself go. Just because you’re working more hours, cleaning, cooking, and raising the kids means nothing. His needs should always come first.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re the provider, you cheated on your husband. You’re not a good woman, you’re a whore and how dare you even have that mindset?”
“He deserves a better woman than you!”
“What do you mean you were upset with him for weaponizing incompetence? You knew when you married him that he did know how to do dishes and make the bed. That is your fault for not choosing better.”
“How on earth can you be mad at him for sleeping with another woman? Are you a freak in the sheets? So what if you cook, clean, and pay 75% of the bills, all you ever do is complain. You are not his peace. He wants a more feminine woman. Someone who respects him and doesn’t talk when he’s watching the game!”
If America has taught us anything as women, it’s that women do not stand a chance. So, women have now learned to adopt a new mindset and that is okay. In exchange for this hard life that is destined to be placed upon us we want to be kept women, but—in the event of a catastrophe, dishonesty, or adultery—can maneuver forward easily and without judgment when the situation no longer serves us.