by Megan Sheckells
Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels
So maybe it ended on a bad note, or the break-up seemed to be going well, but then you found out through the grapevine that your ex is sleeping with someone else. Or just in general they’ve moved on and now it hurts all over again. If this is something that hits a little too close to home keep your mind open, all hope is not lost.
I can speak from personal experience saying I went through a breakup and when I found out they slept with someone else it still hurt. Seeing your ex get with someone else is not always easier just because you’re not together. If you haven’t had the time to emotionally heal and move on from the relationship, seeing your ex move on is still a painful experience.
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Breaking up is no fun for either party, (even if it does seem like it) but there are ways to move on from wherever you are in your breakup process. According to Mary Joye, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and author of “Codependent Discovery and Rediscovery 2.0”, “You have to have less exposure to them so you can break that physiological addiction.” So, wherever we are hearing about them or seeing them is the first place we need to work on removing ourselves from to get that space.
Joye goes on to state that, “When you stay in contact with them after you break up you’re not giving yourself time to detoxify.” According to Joye, our body is chemically affected by someone we love. We are releasing all kinds of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which will crash once again after the interaction. So, to allow yourself this detox that Joye is suggesting you need to remove contact for a time, even if that contact is indirect like through social media.
Of course, this is not always an easy battle. So, what happens when you’re forced to be in contact with this person? Maybe you live with them, or they are so closely interwoven in your circle that you can’t help but to see them or hear about them on occasion. The best option here seems to be limiting those interactions as much as you can.
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Joye says in situations like this, “Even if it’s just for the day, just go places where you weren’t with that person, go to new places, don’t reminisce.” This idea of giving yourself space and distractions is vital to moving past that pain you're going through whilst in a position where you’re hearing about your ex, and how they may be moving on without you.
Genesis Gutierrez from mysevensouls.com spoke to me about her personal experience with breakups and seeing your ex move on before you as well. She stated, “I saw him move on after the break up” she recalled, “I was kinda still doing my own thing, but just saw him flourish as a person, and it just made me sad in a way because we were no longer together.”
Which is a reasonable response. In a way losing a relationship is a grieving process as you work through the loss of what was, and work on moving forward with your life separately from this person. While it is beneficial to give yourself distance after a break-up, this is often easier said than done, which was the case for Gutierrez.
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She stated that seeing and hearing about him was something that was not easy to be avoided due to social circumstances. Gutierrez said, “I saw him do very well, he did date again. I think the way that I moved on from it is I started focusing on myself more.” She went on to explain, “I started hanging out with friends doing things that I did not do with him beforehand. And that helped a lot.”
As difficult as it can be with break-ups, especially if an ex moves on before us, we have to remember to just keep going. Feel your emotions about it, but try your best not to dwell on them for too long. This is part of why it can be so helpful to spend time with friends, and go to new places, or seek new experiences after a break-up.
We must remember that there are reasons that the break-up happened and not solely focus on the world of what used to be. You must be kind to yourself and believe that you deserve to move on as well. So get out there, try something new, or spend time with a friend, and see what that does to help you.
Sources:
Gutierrez, Genesis. Personal interview, 20 Jul. 2021
Joye, Mary. Personal interview, 20 Jul. 2021