by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson, Relationship Coach & Author
Most girls at a young age are told that if a boy is mean to you it simply means he likes you. Well, here’s the thing…boys and girls both go through phases of our lives and so sure, perhaps if a boy likes a girl he is not sure how to approach her, and will result in picking on her. Children under the age of 11 get a pass. But can you imagine hearing this about a grown-ass able-bodied man? “He’s only ignoring you because he likes you.” As Lisa likes to say, “You better tighten up!”
Men never and I do mean never ignore the women they want. When men ignore women it could be for one of the reasons below:
He wants to control her
He’s stonewalling
He’s not interested
No matter what the reason, if any, you should not want to be with a man who ignores you. Here’s the thing, women and humans, in general, want what we cannot have. If something appears harder for us to attain, we will cherish it more. For most women, the men they choose are often not good enough for them, but they romanticize the relationship to the point where they create this false version of the person and thus, fall in love.
You’re falling in love with your imagination because when a man ignores you it leaves you no choice but to fill in those gaps. Better yet, create a personality for him—an image if you will that will satiate your desires.
This is why so many women when the rose-colored glasses come off will feel duped. But did he do that or did you just imagine him to be someone he is not? It is easy for women to disappoint themselves by not allowing people the space to be themselves. When a man asks, “What are you looking for in a man?” and you answer with a play-by-play list, you are essentially giving him the tools to manipulate and use you. You’re building him to be the person you want so he can get what he wants without consequence.
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CONTROL:
Let’s say you’ve been dating a man for a while and you’ve come across our magazine and have read most of our articles, you are now the wiser. You’ve since then begun applying this information to your relationship and have started to pull back some of your attention. This may get him to come towards you (i.e. begin showing you affection and admiration) to regain control. This is called the push/pull method. This is a flirting technique that involves alternating between showing interest (pull) and appearing disinterested or aloof (push).
When you start to feel like he’s only trying because you have one foot out of the door, this is a sign that he is a player and only seeks to control women. If he feels himself losing his grip on you he will apply pressure, once you’re back in his arms, he will push you away again. The key to this is to remain nonchalant and the best way to do that is to hold off on having sex.
Sex is a weapon used by many men to gain control over a woman. When you don’t have sex with a man and you’ve done the hard work to work on any co-dependency or attachment issues you may have, losing him will feel like nothing. The person who cares the least has the most power.
STONEWALLING:
Also known as the silent relationship killer is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person. But first, before we go deciding that this is taking place, please do some self-reflecting and ask yourself:
Were you yelling?
Did you come off as argumentative?
How did you approach the topic or conversation?
Men do not like to argue. One of the main reasons is because they do not process things as quickly as women which leads them to shut down mid-conversation. Also, men are solutions-oriented. If you cannot control your emotions then you are the problem. If you present a problem, he addresses it, or even apologies, then you need to let it go. Going on and on, cursing him out and calling him names is not the solution. At that point, you are being problematic.
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If that is not the case and you approached the conversation tenderly but are still experiencing stonewalling this could simply be because he is not interested in resolving the issue. Two important things to note in relationships:
When a woman stops arguing aka fighting for her relationship, she has checked out emotionally.
When a man stops searching for solutions for his relationship problems, he has checked out mentally.
For any relationship to thrive, a woman should be able to present a problem and her man solves it.
They walk out in the middle of a conversation without warning or explanation
They refuse to talk about or give reasons not to talk about an issue
They dismiss your concerns
They engage in passive-aggressive type behavior
They change the subject or make accusations to avoid an issue
They give you the silent treatment, avoiding nonverbal communication such as making eye contact with you
Lastly, NOT INTERESTED:
Ladies, please for all that is holy, notice when a man is not interested and walk away. No need for the long paragraphs or the arguments or begging and crying…no need to fake an abduction (Carlee Russell anyone?)
Never let a man show you more than once that he does not want to be with you. Men do not leave relationships they want to be in. They are kind, they are patient, they are present.