by Samara Morris and Lisa K. Stephenson
What is unrequited love? There are times when a person has strong romantic feelings towards someone, only to find that they don’t feel the same way. That is called unrequited love- love that is not returned or rewarded.
It happened, you met a guy—whether in person or online and you like him. Maybe it was his smile, the way he responded quickly to your text messages, the way he planned dates and made sure to call and ask you out versus texting. The way he was making space for you in his busy schedule. It could be several things, but one thing is for sure, he’s checking off the right boxes and you’re happy. But is there such a thing as liking someone “too much” or liking someone more than they like you? Sure, there is.
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When relationships start hot and heavy and slowly die down it can make us question ourselves and start the inevitable investigation of, is it me or is it him? But could you just be overthinking?
“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.” – Mandy Hale.
Oftentimes in relationships, it is easy to get lost and caught up in your partner. According to relationship coach, Dr. Ben Gibson, “Set boundaries. Have me time. Have family time. You aren’t cheating on your significant other eating lunch with your parents. Only idiots dump their friends just because they are married or dating, and “the other person completes me.”
Married people take time for their friends. Yes, quality time matters and over time we have to spend time with fewer friends but keep a few good people in your life. Divorce or breakups like to pounce when one least expects it, and if you have only one friend who is now your ex, then life is lonely.”
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Men can sense neediness and while he may be pulling out all the stops in the beginning, if he has not made the relationship official then you are still pretty much, casually dating. Meaning, he is free to see other people and so are you.
But just because you’re not a serial dater doesn’t mean you can’t pursue other things to help keep your mind occupied. According to Chi Love of N.Y.A. Love and Dating Services, there are 3 types of relationships – committed relationships (monogamy), casual relationships (going with the flow), and situationships (a relationship, ethical non-monogamous relationship). To avoid a situationship it is best to withhold physical intimacy until your relationship has been labeled.
In the beginning for most men, they are simply testing the waters and if he’s pulling out all the stops this could simply be a part of his personality, not to mean that he is ready to get married and begin planning a future. But if you allow yourself to become too wrapped up during this time, it is likely that even if he did like you, his feelings may start to change due to your behaviors. Here are some signs to look out for when there is a shift in emotions:
HE SHUTS DOWN EMOTIONALLY – a guy who is unsure about his feelings for you will back away from many conversations that have to deal with where your relationship is heading, how he feels about the situation and his real thoughts about you.
YOU BEGIN INITIATING ALL OF THE DATES – he’s not too busy and he’s definitely not too shy. He just doesn’t like you as much as you like him. If you stopped pursuing him and stopped planning dates, he would likely begin bread crumbing you to keep you around, but nothing too serious to get your hopes up for monogamy.
HE ALWAYS ENDS THE CALL FIRST – most men hate chatting on the phone but will do it to make you happy. If your guy has suddenly begun making excuses to end the call early, he is no longer interested. Calling him back once he does this will only prove to him that you like him more than he likes you. So call this a loss.
YOU ACCEPT LAST MINUTE DATES – with this, you’re letting him know that you are okay with him putting you as an afterthought. This is NOT okay. This can happen with most narcissistic relationships, the love-bombing slows down or stops completely and now that you like him, he senses this and keeps you as a last-minute option. You will be eager to see him because now he has made his time and presence scarce.
HE ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE – you like him more than he likes you, so this unbalanced relationship will never work.
It can be a sad revelation to learn that the man who put in so much effort, in the beginning, is suddenly pulling away or no longer interested. According to Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Coach, G Stone, “Ignoring your feelings can create space for the hurt to negatively appear and impact future relationships. After a breakup, it is important to accept the relationship or things with this potential bae has come to an end regardless of the reason, take time to process, feel and let go of the hurt, and find positive and productive things to do in your free time.”
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If he’s lost interest but you still have hope, here are some things you can do to regain his interest.
DO THINGS FOR YOU AGAIN – as per, G Stone, “It is important to always be your authentic self. Be sure to think of relationships as being a part of your life journey, not as an end goal or the epitome.”
LEAVE HIM ON READ – men reveal they still love the thrill and the hunt. You may be ended up liking him more than he likes you because the love chemicals in his brain calmed down after all of the efforts were made and you became too available - no longer erotic or out of reach.
BRING OUT HIS INNER HERO – okay, so this may only work if he likes you a little bit. You see, men have inner drivers. These are natural responses that they’re not even aware of. All you have to do is give him certain signals that make him feel needed in the relationship.
END THE DEMANDS – standards vs. expectations, as per Relationship Coach and Author, Lisa K. Stephenson, “The standards you have set for the person you want to date should not have any burden on the expectations you have for said individual. For example, you want a man who is honest, reliable and thoughtful. These are your standards, but if you meet a man who is not any of these things do not wait around expecting him to be. You cannot change anyone. Lower your expectations because if he wanted to, he would and if he doesn’t then he simply does not meet your standards and you should not continue to waste his or your time.”
GIVE HIM THE RIGHT KIND OF ATTENTION – men want to be heard, too. Listen to him just like you would like to be listened to. Ask him about his day, his plans, did he eat, and inquire about the things you know mean the most to him.
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We hope these things helped and if you need more relationship advice, be sure to check out the links below for information on how to connect with the coaches mentioned in this article.