by Venus Sanders
“I was in a situationship for about two years before I got married. And even though it wasn’t a committed relationship, I still fell in love with the person I was dating. We just never talked about where we saw the relationship going.” – Mark Joseph, Parental Queries.
Did you know that you are likely to fall in love and obsess over someone you were [not] in a relationship with, versus someone you were in a relationship with and things just did not work out?
Obsessive thoughts about a person are usually derived from mystery—the idea of what could have been. You obsess over a situationship gone bad because you wonder if things had made it to a relationship would it be different, would the outcome have changed? In everyday life, most of us accept the pleasant delusion that we are rational beings who behave in predictable, logical ways. But then someone attractive comes along and all logic goes out of the window.
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Speaking from a romantic standpoint, we all share some basic neural systems for reward, arousal, and bonding, but everyone differs in their tendency to become romantically obsessed.
Our brain will dwell on the bad so that we can avoid the same mistakes in the future. So, obsessing is perfectly normal within means. The key though is to know what it is, why it happens, and avoid prolonging it for an extended period if you can. When we obsess it is usually because we feel there is some form of unfinished business, or as previously mentioned, our brain is healing—our hindbrain and medulla – the primal brain to be exact.
Understand that obsession comes from longing for the unknown. If you’re seeing someone romantically and want to be in a relationship you must advocate this early on. Accepting the bare minimum or something you do not want can lead you to keep going back or obsessing over the person when they are gone.
To begin your healing you should come to terms with the fact that you’re obsessed. Accept it. Denying this will only prolong your healing. How are you obsessing? Are you watching their social media? Asking their friends about them? Trying to befriend people they know so they “accidentally” view your page or bump into you in public? Whatever it is, you have to come to terms that the issue is yours and yours alone. At the end of the day, it is your energy that you’re spending; you decide what to spend your energy on.
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One of the best things you can do for yourself to stop obsessing over someone is to go to the gym or try at-home workouts. These are just two recommendations that we think will help: The Plankpad and The Bellabooty. I won’t go into too much detail, but for me, I spent so much time obsessing over the last situationship that I was drowning in hope. I was obsessed! I then decided it was time to hit the gym, no lie, I was driving myself crazy until I came to terms that the best thing I can do for myself is better myself physically and mentally.
The Bellabooty belt is simple, I attached two weights to each side and did some hip thrusts when I was home watching TV. The more I did that, the better I felt and I managed to keep myself distracted long enough to where days had gone by and I did not check his social media at all.
I was no longer wondering about what could have been and focused more on the present and what I wanted for myself in terms of looks and success. The Plankpad works well too when I’m home. It’s a total body trainer that combines workouts with games.
When you find yourself obsessing over someone you need to ask yourself: Is this how I want my life? Does this behavior align with my values? What outcome do I expect? To help you gain some perspective you can also incorporate The 10-Minute Self-Care Journal by Staci Backauskas. The book sells on Amazon for $11.99.
I have been using it for manifesting which helps me stay aligned with my beliefs and centered. I’ve also been able to gain a new perspective and see things differently when it comes to who I am as a person, what I want my future to look like, and the things I expect from a partner. All in all, it’s helped me kind of realize that the person I was obsessing over truly was not worth it in the long run.
So how can you avoid entering into a situationship? “Have standards from the jump—clearly define what a relationship means to you and what your requirements are. Make sure you communicate this during the early stages (can’t stress this enough). This will help you determine if your requirements are aligned. If they are not, you can move on before you’re too emotionally invested.” Editor in Chief at Feel and Thrive, Sam Holmes suggests.
Obsession can feel like intrusive thoughts and so sure, even with all of the above you may still experience some brief moments where you’re worried or anxious. But try your best to meditate and put those negative thoughts to rest. Stress can also be linked to obsession and can lead you to pick up some unhealthy habits that can ultimately be detrimental to your health.
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Now, you have to ask yourself, is this person worth my life? Yes, sometimes it can get that serious. Just know that you are not alone and we’re here if you need some additional assistance. Therapy is also an option. Do not feel ashamed. Get on the right path to leading and living a healthy and balanced lifestyle, your future self will thank you.