How to Set Bedroom Boundaries and Keep the Passion Alive

Every so often, I revisit Sex and the City because, let’s face it, that show is timeless. Upon my rewatch, I noticed something very interesting: in each of their bedrooms—heck, all throughout Carrie’s apartment—there is no television set. Fast forward to the second film; once Big and Carrie are married, Big surprises her with a television set in their bedroom, to which she is visibly displeased. So, what’s with the lack of televisions?

Sure, maybe you’re thinking it’s because it’s a TV show, and realistically, they don’t need a TV in the room—after all, what purpose would it serve? But a show centered around Manhattan’s dating scene, chronicling the mating habits of four single women living in New York, who at some point during the show’s run ultimately do settle down and get married, we can deduce that there would be psychological facts sprinkled throughout.

There are several psychological benefits to not having a television in the bedroom, not only for single women but, more importantly, for married couples. When we think of bedroom rules for couples—for the most part—people think of sex. What kind of positions should we be trying? What should my wife or girlfriend be doing in bed to make me happy? But it's much deeper than that.

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, choosing to not have a television set in your bedroom can improve your sleep quality. Without the distraction of a TV, you’re less likely to stay up late watching shows or movies. The absence of blue light emitted by screens can help to regulate your circadian rhythm, making it easier to fall asleep and enjoy deeper, more restorative sleep.

Speaking of blue light, did you know that the longer you stay on your phone at night, the harder it makes it to fall asleep and stay asleep? Lack of sleep can lead to increased anxiety, irritability, and even stress. All of this can contribute to an increase in arguments between you and your partner, friends, and maybe even co-workers.

Users on TikTok joke about staying up late—sometimes as late as 3 a.m.—scrolling and laughing, but what they don’t seem to recognize is that the phone is doing more than just causing them to stay awake late at night. If you notice an uptick in your drinking habits or you’re moodier than usual, this could be due to the blue light emitted from your phone or TV. It’s hard to believe that something as small as a phone or something used for entertainment like a television could have so many negative consequences if overused.

Additionally, it’s not just the physical devices themselves that can prove to be harmful, but the content that is displayed at night. Watching the news, true crime documentaries, and intense shows right before bedtime can increase stress and anxiety levels. For those with PTSD, this may lead to attacking their partner at night while they are sleeping.

The most important thing you can do for yourself, especially if you’re looking to embark on a healthier and more mindful journey, is to keep your bedroom television-free and have a designated time for phone screens and tablets. We used to believe that having a phone or tablet was meant to make our lives easier—especially when it came to reading. Who doesn’t love reading a good book on their Kindle or iPad? But the reality is, these things were created to do what’s being done now: serve us ads at every turn in our lives.

Without proper sleep, our brains cannot function at optimal levels, which leads to weakened memories and other impaired cognitive functions. So, the next time your husband forgets your anniversary, maybe consider his electronic intake and the time around which he’s doing so. For those who work a job that requires them to sit at a computer all day long, it’s better to consider keeping the television in the family room only. This will help to ensure that when it’s time for bed, you and your partner are getting a good amount of sleep and decreasing your blue light intake.

Things like emotional instability, decreased creativity and problem-solving, slower reaction times, reduced learning capacity, and impaired judgment are all some of the side effects of overexposure. We can correlate this to dating today and the overuse of dating apps and social media apps, in addition to television consumption and work.

If you want your marriage or relationship to be successful, you have to reinforce positive behavior, which could be related to activities where you’re both removed from the phones and televisions. It’s okay to break out the board games, head back to some stores, and stock up on paperbacks and hardcover novels—anything that can exercise the mind while still being able to maintain some semblance of routine and fun.

Since there’s been an uptick in electronic usage, we’ve seen more couples end their relationships over frivolous matters—believing that replacing a quality partner is as simple as one, two, three. Not only that, but people are incapable of having challenging conversations that require a deep level of concentration or decision-making. The brain's ability to solve problems is compromised when sleep is insufficient.

The brain consolidates learning and processes information during sleep, which is essential for innovative thinking. We can attribute this to a lower number of people interested in joining the military or attending medical school; jobs that require an increased level of reading and comprehension are no longer heavily sought after. The excuse is often that education is too expensive. But this has always been the case, and there are still financial resources readily available.

One of the biggest boundaries you should set in the bedroom to keep the romance alive is no television and no phones after 9 p.m. This is easier said than done, sure, but if you’re passionate about seeing your relationship flourish, then it’s okay to consider reintegrating some old-school practices to achieve better results.

We know that the things taking place today are not for the betterment of our lives, but rather to ruin them. Late-stage capitalism is designed to keep us glued to our screens for their gain. Whether it’s dating apps, gaming apps, reading apps, or even television shows, it’s all in an effort to get us to conform to the same ideologies and behaviors that keep us inside, miserable, and unable to function at optimal levels. If we all disconnected and spent more time around one another, we would inspire each other in ways that cannot be monetized. But it starts at home, and it starts with you.

by Danielle Wright