by Danielle Wright
As divorce rates continue to rise, many men are seeking advice on how to move on from their exes.
Image Credit: Martin Barraud / Getty Images
This comes as no surprise, with more women deciding to file for divorce from their partners due to weaponized incompetence, decision fatigue, and infidelity. But how did we get here? Women are collectively taking a stand against bad husbands, bad parenting, and the stress that having a partner can bring inside the home when dealing with young children.
When looking to move on from a past relationship, the first step is always to take accountability for the role you played. This may not guarantee your ability to romantically reconcile with your past partner, but it will help make things easier for you and your ex to co-parent.
Women who decide to move on from their partners do so with a heavy heart but find it much easier as time goes on. Men do not like women to be a burden to them, yet they are all too comfortable with being a burden themselves. Simply put, why would any woman want to raise her partner when she’s already having to raise her children?
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Moving on from the mother of your children is only hard when you didn’t see it coming, but the real question is, did you just ignore the signs of her building up resentment? Most women do not speak up for themselves out of fear that their partner will label them nagging, unsatisfied, and annoying.
Overall, this can eventually turn a woman indifferent and cold. Prevention is always better than cure, so if you were not willing to see the signs, then it will be more difficult for you to move on due to guilt. Guilt is an emotional discomfort you feel when you believe that you are responsible for something that offended or hurt someone else. It’s safe to assume that you’re now feeling the aftermath of your lackadaisical behavior towards your past partner, which is common.
APOLOGIZE
It’s common knowledge that men do not see apologies the way women do, but if your partner initiated the divorce or chose to end the relationship, she reached a level of indifference that an apology can surely mend. She may not come back romantically, but a platonic relationship can be formed. Women hold onto things—even if it happened 10 years ago—she will always remember how your actions made her feel in real time.
Moving on from your past means confronting it and seeing it through. One of the most common reasons men stay hung up on their past relationships is due to the guilt they carry and a feeling that if the person does not want them romantically, then there is no use in apologizing. But while the apology will make them feel better, it will make you feel better, too.
A random apology from you on a Tuesday or Wednesday will leave your ex perturbed at first, but it will then lead to the biggest smile she can muster. Taking initiative to be selfless is always a game-changer!
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TAKE A STEP BACK
Take a step back from dating for a while. It does not make things better to leave a trail of broken hearts behind you because karma does exist, and just because one woman’s feelings may mean more to you than another, it does not mean that the women you hurt as you seek unhealthy ways to heal will go unnoticed.
You will eventually have to reap what you sow. Once the decision is made to walk away from the mother of your child, and you’ve apologized and offered her space, it’s time to focus on yourself and the kids you both share. I always recommend allowing the mother of your child(ren) to move on first before you decide to detach, especially if you’re not the one who decided to call it quits. The fact that your feelings are uncertain means you should refrain from putting another woman through the ringer and a set of heartbreak.
PATIENCE
Be patient with yourself; time is not your enemy, rather a friend. Ask your ex what you did wrong during your relationship and listen to her, take mental notes, and allow yourself the chance to grow and develop. You may not grow and develop into the man she needs, but eventually, you will find a partner who will be grateful for the person you’ve become. Relationships are hard; marriage is even harder.
No one wants to simply let go of a person, and most women upon meeting a single man with kids will immediately think something is wrong with him. Women understand that the average woman does not want her family to break up, so if a woman is willing to separate her family, then something really bad must have taken place.
What could you have possibly done to make the mother of your children walk away? A woman who is secure in herself and her life is not going to want to take on that burden. This is why it’s important for you to fix whatever issues you have before heading out into the dating scene.
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BOUNDARIES
Moving on from the mother of your children means doing just that. Do not straddle the fence and stick around hoping to change her heart. When she wanted her marriage or relationship to work, you were most likely taking her for granted. Do not be selfish; allow her the space to move on from you as you work on moving on as well.
But most importantly, self-reflection is key, along with having a healthy amount of self-awareness. Be mindful of your actions going forward; do not touch her if she does not want to be touched and be respectful of her boundaries. If you’re finding it difficult to do this, it could be that you see her as property you own versus a woman. Work on your mindset, grow, and mature into developing a healthy co-parenting atmosphere for yourself, your ex, and the children.