Mastering the Art of Attraction: Your Guide to Finding and Keeping the Perfect Man
by Lisa K. Stephenson, Relationship Coach & Author
We all know there is no such thing as the perfect man or woman.
With that said, here is an update about my dating life no one asked for. About two and a half weeks ago my cousin volunteered to introduce me to a friend of his, who, after seeing a few photos I found myself attracted to him.
We began texting and about two days in, he asks me on a date (green flag)—he planned the place and time. Upon my arrival, I noticed that he reached for my hand to hold it…(okay, possible red flag). We made our way over to the table and guess what! He bought me flowers (ladies and gentlemen, green flag!).
As we are enjoying our dinner and conversation, another couple enters the section and he can’t take his eyes off of the young lady—now and again sneaking a peak over at their table. I ignored this, because let’s be honest, men are going to stare at other women and she is beautiful. Moving on, the conversation was great and we talked and laughed for about three hours before calling it a night.
He was consistent, every morning at ten, he got on his zoom. Texting me things like, “Good morning beautiful”. A few days later, he arranged for our second date (total, green flag!). I told him I was getting my nails done, and boom, he Zelle’s me the money for it (yes, major green flag!) sis, at this point, I’m thinking it’s time to clear out the roster.
So, you may be wondering, Lisa, how’s it going now? Well, this morning I had to let him go. When you’re looking for the right man for you, you must make a list. Take all the men you’ve dated and write down the things you liked about each of them. If you could build the perfect man for you, what would he look like? What would he say? What are some qualities he must possess? When you have those answers, you armor yourself to go out into the wild, and by wild, I mean this dating pool.
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Earlier this year, I made my list of men I will and will not date. Here’s the thing, this guy has an eleven-year-old child and is divorced—it’s been two years. He explained the circumstances and so, I understood and decided to bend a little. I see divorced men as a prize somewhat because that shows they are capable of giving a woman that level of security.
and...
As a woman dating for marriage, he was checking off most of my boxes. Here’s where things got tricky, he gives me a call a few nights ago, and fifteen minutes into the call he’s asking:
What’s your favorite sex position?
How long have you ever made a man wait for sex?
What do you like in bed?
Granted, I’m taken aback by his questioning, but I do answer them honestly. I did not reciprocate this line of questioning because I had no interest in this conversation. But, one thing about men, they will talk themselves into a hole if you let them. He goes on to mention how much he likes to f*** and his ex-wife would turn him down frequently. He then learned that she was cheating which prompted him to cheat.
But that’s not what did it for me…he further explains that he loves sex so much and it should be given to him even if the woman is tired. His words were, “…doesn’t matter if you’re tired. Just let me rub the tip along the clit and push it in a few times.” It’s giving marital r***. It’s giving sexual abuse. It’s giving not for me. I ended the call.
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It’s deeper than what meets the eye, something as simple as, “I am too tired for sex” can lead to physical violence, infidelity, and possibly murder with men like that. So, what are your non-negotiables? The way to attract the right man for you is to not be afraid to walk away from anyone who is not serving you. God is seeking to send you the right person, your heart’s desire, but how can he when you have the wrong person taking up space and holding up the line?
Sure, one would see all the previous green flags and think, well, this is just one red flag how bad could it be? You see, those green flags align with materialistic things. The mentality he has is a characteristic and at thirty-nine years old, I doubt there is room for change. His behavior maybe, but his mind, his beliefs, no chance.
Then I realized, his staring at the young lady while we were out is symbolic of his past/future behavior. A man who you cannot turn down for sex is always on the prowl. Where is his willpower? If he can do that in front if me, imagine if I was not there and rejecting him sexually—it’s goodbye to my relationship.
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Granted, making a list and checking it twice is not enough to attract the man for you, there are a few more things you need to do:
SMILE:
I cannot tell you how many times a man has complimented my smile—they go crazy for it. If you are looking for a man who is happy and charming, why do you think you should be the opposite? You attract on the outside, what you are on the inside. So, if you’re upset and angry all the time, you’re going to draw in those types of men; short-tempered, volatile, argumentative, and sassy.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE:
Yes, the creatures dwell outside, but not all of them are bad. Dating apps are designed to keep you on the app because the longer you stay on the app the better their media kits look when presented to advertisers in those big board meetings. That is the secret to dating apps. It’s either you pay them to unlock the quality partners, or the advertisers pay them to keep you on the app longer by showing you unqualified partners. The choice is yours. But you can’t go wrong with the good old outdoors. At least there, the only thing keeping you from meeting a quality man is you.
DRESS FOR THE MAN YOU WANT:
Nothing screams high self-esteem than a cute OOTD. You know the saying, dress for the job you want? Well, the same applies here. Put yourself together and go out somewhere nice. Men will approach you! I am a testament to this. I know there are a plethora of men online who like to bash women and argue that they don’t approach women.
Well, those are feminine men and you don’t want that—unless you’re a woman in her masculine, then maybe you do. But, the majority of women do not so why get offended by those online bullies who are not getting women anyway? Real men go to work, sports bars, country clubs, and more. They are not wasting their years typing a bunch of nonsense on TikTok or screaming into podcast mics.
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WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM:
A woman once asked, “Why do I always see quality women with terrible men or men below her level?” The answer is, her self-esteem is low. We date at the level of our self-esteem, always remember that, and like a woman has intuition, a man has a self-esteem meter.
It does not matter how good you look, how much money you make, or how well you articulate yourself. If your self-esteem is low the wrong man will make you believe he is right for you. Do the inner work, your inner child will thank you.
AVOID THE OBVIOUS:
My story was filled with green flags, but that one red flag sent me packing because I know I would pay the price for my bad decision later on down the line. Stop overlooking red flags. I know that is preached so much online, and thankfully women are starting to get it.
There’s been a decrease in women giving birth, did you know that? Good job, Missie. I say that because women are waking up and realizing that it is not worth it to procreate with a man who you are incompatible with and who will make your life a living hell.
If that is not enough to make you run, think about the life you want to give your child. Do you want it to be one where he or she is watching their mother cry at night, argue with their father, or suffer from abuse due to a trauma bond shared by you and their father?
PRACTICE GRATITUDE:
I see many women online saying things like, “Well, that’s what he’s supposed to do.” Or “Men are broke if they can’t afford to pay all the bills.” I want you to remember something, no one on this planet owes us a thing. No one is obligated to us—your body is not his and his money is not yours.
If generous is a trait you are looking for in a man, how on earth do you believe that appreciative, humble, and gracious are not traits that a man is looking for in a woman? Women are not perfect, sure, but if you’re going to be a brat you’re going to get left and you will deserve it. Tighten up.
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STAY IN YOUR FEMININE ENERGY:
Do not put in more effort than you’re getting and be mindful of his behavior so you can match energy. Just because you’re in your feminine does not mean you cannot text first, show interest and ask reciprocal questions. If you’re a good woman looking for a good man there are levels. However, if you keep meeting dusty men, then you my dear could just be ground level.
Remember, if you want to attract the right man you have to work on yourself, first. Who and what you attract into your energy is there because you called it to you. Nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.