by Danielle Wright
Tribe member Janet Gracewood asked, “Why do guys invite you to their house for a ‘first date’?”
This is not an uncommon question because this is not a unique occurrence. In 2024, it seems that dating and courting have taken a turn for the worse, leaving many women feeling confused, insecure, or simply disinterested. When speaking with boomers, it's evident that a shift has happened. But where did it start? Men went from working their jobs, bringing home their paychecks to their wives (and sometimes their girlfriends) to manage and pay the bills, to now asking, “What do you bring to the table?”—as if insinuating that a woman should also carry the burden of being a provider in the household.
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Many attribute this change to the music consumed in the African American community. Male R&B is down significantly. We used to hear music from artists like Jodeci, Tyrese, Usher, Joe, and many others who serenaded women through their music—even R. Kelly and H-Town. But now, we see the rise of hip-hop (both female and male), where women rap about being rich and using sex as a tool to trap men, and men rap about scamming, making money, and playing the very women who are using them for their resources. It seems to be an endless cycle of money and sex—love has been removed from music, and, consequently, from the community. There is certainly a correlation here.
Women like Lisa K. Stephenson say, “I don’t have a problem cutting off a man for not planning a date within a week of asking for my number, because as someone who takes her mother out to eat and do activities weekly, I do know that it is possible and can be inexpensive to date.” It's safe to say that money isn’t the sole reason men have become cheap and stingy—it boils down to a fear of rejection and/or being used.
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If he can no longer provide, will you still love him? For most women, the answer is yes, but for a few, the answer is no. Just like we know men are more likely to cheat on their wives when she is pregnant, or leave his wife entirely if she becomes sick with cancer or some other disease. Men do not like weakness, and women do not like poverty. However, only one group is less likely to abandon ship when the going gets tough.
Men want appreciation, loyalty, and respect but believe it should be automatically given once they’ve shown interest in a woman. Due to their own behaviors, women have opted to cease reciprocating this level of interest because, once she does, the chase is over, and she’s now just another box to check on his list of women to bed.
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Additionally, there was once a time when women did not venture to men’s homes on a first date—until the "vampire invitation" became a widespread phenomenon. Men were hurting women within the confines of their homes, and they themselves began stating that women with no standards in the beginning were not women they were interested in courting or becoming exclusive with. This is a case of, “I set the standard, but since I can no longer meet it, I will criticize the standard.”
The things men complain about today are the very standards they created:
Working to provide
Getting married and having children
Romance
Not dating women without standards
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“Women don’t listen,” says the average man. But then, when she begins to listen, “Women are gold-diggers and only want to use men for their money.” Men with a low IQ have no vision for themselves, let alone the women they hope to date. The vampire invitation is rooted in privilege blindness for men. This happens when individuals who do not experience certain dangers due to their gender, race, or other forms of privilege are blind to those dangers for others. For example, men may not often consider the risk of walking home alone at night because they are less likely to be targeted for violence or harassment, so they don’t consider that same risk for women.