He Is Dating Me and Someone Else

“I am a serial dater. When I see someone I like, we go on multiple dates.” – Lance Bass.

I wanted to start this article with a light-hearted quote since the rest of the article might be quite surprising and not as pleasant for many. So here you go: You've been seeing this guy, and everything has been going well. Perhaps you've been on some wonderful dates, and he's been attentive and communicative. But then you find out he's also dating someone else. The question is, what do you do now?

No matter how you look at it, one thing is clear: love should be simple. Love shouldn't involve guessing games or leaving your emotions to the imagination. Have you talked to him about this? How do you feel?

If you've tried to discuss why he's seeing someone else and didn't receive a straightforward answer, or if he's tried to shift the blame onto you, making you feel like you can't question his actions, it's time to make your exit. He's not the right person for you. However, if you've asked, and he was passive in his response, perhaps these reasons can offer some insight. From there, you can decide on the best course of action for yourself.

HOW LONG IS THE TALKING STAGE?

As Kenya Clark said, “Who invented the talking stage? Like where did that come from? It’s either we’re dating or we’re not.” – She’s SINGLE New York. And we couldn’t agree more. The talking stage is a myth, one to keep you in the position of pen pal while Mr. Unavailable actively dates and sees someone else.

Let’s say you’ve met a guy and unlike what was previously mentioned, he has NOT been taking you on dates, but he texts often, and acts interested. Yet, you find out he’s dating someone else. This is not good, and he is simply playing games with you. He’s placed you in the category of “talking” as a backup plan, someone he can pull from a shelf if his dating rendezvous just happens to fall flat.

When we like someone, naturally we do our best to get to know them. You don’t start dating someone else. Men have tunnel vision and so you want to also keep that in mind if you’re stuck on what decision to make. A man who is actively seeking and dating multiple women is not going to put much effort into any of you.

He is not going to remember your birthday, your hobbies, your favorite color, or your favorite play. You will just not be of importance to him. You don’t deserve that; you deserve someone who is seeking you and putting in their efforts to get to know you better.

Let’s break it down…
HE’S PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU - One day during the “talking stage” he says he likes you and then the next, he’s dating someone else. For a man like this, it’s all fun and games. Nothing he says should be taken literally, he is in other words, bread crumbing you. To him, dating you would mean things can lead to something serious and he’s not looking for that. So “talking stage” it is.

Another possibility is he is looking for you to do the hard work—chase him (do not do this!). He’s probably one of those guys who went after an emotionally unavailable woman and was left heartbroken or disappointed. So, what does he do? He punishes you by essentially leaving you to do all of the heavy lifting to show him you would be worth his time. Last, he may be trying to make you jealous. All of these are red flags.

YOU’RE OUT OF HIS LEAGUE - Yes, this could be a possibility. If a man started dating you and expressed his feelings to you but you weren’t receptive to it or maybe your reaction was harmful to his ego, this could be a sure reason as to why he decided to date someone else. It may not have been on purpose, but maybe you made him feel less than a man.

Most men appear tough on the outside but are very insecure when it comes to women. He may find himself overthinking your next conversation or the words to say that will grant him the best results with you. Sometimes, though they aren’t successful, and this only proves that he cannot handle rejection. If you were to date a man like this he will spend a good portion of the relationship trying to save himself from you. In other words, leave before you do. This can no doubt leave you heartbroken in the long run.

NOT READY TO COMMIT - A guy may tell you he likes you, but as soon as you reciprocate those emotions, he pulls back. Why? For most men telling a woman he’s interested is not an invitation to start a monogamous relationship, it is simply a method of reassurance for her, but many women hear this and dive off the deep end. It then becomes a “we” conversation all the time and your whole demeanor changes.

You go from being a fun, carefree person he was dating to a clingy and needy partner picking out matching PJs for the holidays. Relax. Continue as you were and even if he has a fear of commitment, once he sees that expressing his interest in you didn’t change the dynamics of your dating relationship, he may very well surprise you and ask you to make it official.

YOU’RE HIS BACKUP PLAN - We know, being a placeholder is never fun. The truth hurts. As a placeholder, you’re something to do until better comes along and in this case, he could be dating the person he thinks is better. You can become a man’s backup plan once he realizes that you’re more into him than he is into you. You can’t help it though; you’re smitten by this fella.

But until he makes things official you are NOT to show any weakness. Once you do, it’s like giving him the green light to date and mingle with other women because let’s face it, you’re not going anywhere. Here’s the bottom line, if he’s not making you a priority then it’s time to end things, pronto!

HE GOT TIRED OF WAITING ON YOU - Men are not always the villains, and women aren't always the victims. If you've been dating a man for several months, and he has been consistent, kind, and genuinely interested, but you've been stalling, you can't blame him for moving on to someone else. In cases like this, the new girl he's dating becomes the placeholder.

Neither scenario is ideal. If you need more time, the truth is you probably weren't interested from the start, and you shouldn't waste anyone's time like that. Be honest with him. Both of you share the same responsibility.

In the end, if this situation sounds like yours, there might still be time to resolve things.

by Lisa K. Stephenson