Good Qualities In A Man

I think we can all agree that finding a quality man in 2023 is hard.

But why is that? Has social media warped our perception of love? Are men looking for a unicorn? I believe so. I dated a 26-year-old man who told me he could not be in a relationship because “Instagram makes it hard” for him to do so. I was speechless but then it made me wonder, is he just telling the truth that most other men won’t admit? The temptation is astounding. Most men don’t want to settle down because they feel like if they do something will pass them by…a better-looking woman.

But then to that, I ask, what makes these men a catch? That same guy, well, he was always asking me for money, was not generous, allowed me to pump my gas at the station—oh and pay for it, and drive! He also disrespected my boundaries...the list goes on.

My point is, how can a man like that who is not a catch possibly be picky or dare to say, “Instagram makes it hard for me to be in a relationship?” He isn’t a unicorn and nothing special. Shouldn’t women be more worried about possibly missing out on a quality guy when she decides to give the wrong guy a chance? Let’s talk about it.

The average woman wants a man who is educated, earns a lucrative income, is stable, emotionally intelligent, fit, and handsome. Character and morals tend to take a back seat when dating, unfortunately. The average man wants a woman who is beautiful, charming, and submissive—unless he’s a hyper-feminine boy looking for a woman with a 6-figure salary to take care of him. But I digress.

Based on this information it’s safe to say that men have a higher chance of finding what they are looking for versus us women—making those men, essentially the unicorn. So I get it, Mr. Broke up there thinks that because he checks off two of those boxes, he’s desirable and in demand. Why settle down?

Well, if his headlights aren’t on—he isn’t looking for marriage and kids, and he won’t settle down anytime soon. It does not matter who is in front of him. Even if she fits the Instagram aesthetic, if he’s not ready it won’t happen because there are so many of us to choose from that when he does become ready, he can simply go and choose. That is the sad reality of the world we are living in now or should I say, patriarchy. As a man, even two boxes are better than none, and this gives him the power to choose.

HOW DO WE GET AROUND THIS?

The best advice is this, find a stable man with his headlights on! Okay, that’s too simple. If you’re a woman who is ready for a family—husband and kids—you should not be dating a man who just recently graduated college or hasn’t started his career yet. Why? His headlights are not on. He checks off a few of the things on the list I mentioned, so he’ll assume he’s a unicorn and before settling down he may want to see what his options are. Who is the prettiest woman he can get, the one who will boost his social status?

After a few years of his unhealed trauma surfacing and ruining most of those relationships—he may even end up a baby daddy to more than one woman, decreasing his value—only then, will he turn on his headlights.

Too many of us underestimate the power of dating and what it truly means. “You cannot form an authentic relationship when you are sharing your energy with multiple people. Yes, many relationship coaches suggest dating multiple people simultaneously until you find the one, but it is a terrible idea because this is how you miss red flags and end up choosing wrong—you’re distracted,” says Author Lisa K. Stephenson. 

Lori Harvey is a good example of this because she dates one person at a time for about a year. This means her time and energy are not split between men, she can meticulously evaluate them, ask questions, vacation, etc. The good qualities in a man do not surface right away. Usually, within the first 3-months, you’re being sold a character. A person who meets your qualifications until they get what they want from you, all the while these men are evaluating you.

“It is within these first 3 months that a man will have to choose from whether or not he’s looking for a relationship or a situationship. A man with a plan is not going to make it too easy for you to weed him out—if he plans to get you into bed, then he will pull out the stops to do so. This does not mean he is a narcissist who is love bombing you, just a man on a mission.”

The term narcissist is misused time and again. A man without his headlights on is a man looking to have fun but too cowardly to admit it leaving things wide open for speculation. Does he have narcissistic tendencies? Yes, but all of us do. Good qualities to look for in a man are consistency, reliability, and investment intelligence.

INVESTMENT INTELLIGENCE: This is having a firm knowledge of what it means to invest in a woman for a long-term commitment to take place. If a man is not investing in you in the early stages of courting you, his headlights are not on and it’s safe to say that you can exit the stage. This does not mean a simple date night…no, rather, a small gift, roses before the date, during or after, breakfast delivered. Investment means he is in no rush to see the tree grow, he is only interested in planting the seeds. Allow a man to invest in you if you want to see whether or not he is for you.

CONSISTENCY: Headlights on mean that you are a priority. What else could be more important than making time for the woman a man sees and wants in his future? Exactly.

RELIABILITY: If a man is ready for a wife or to settle down he will be reliable. If you are stuck with a flat tire he will make himself useful and resourceful to you. Perhaps suggest a mechanic and get you a good deal on services. To go a step further—as part of his investment, he may simply pay for the repairs. Either way, headlights on means that you’re getting top-quality treatment from a stable man who knows what he wants and what is required of him as a man.

If you have to question any of this, chances are you’re dealing with a hyper-feminine man who needs to be sent back to his mother. Or, a man who is not ready for commitment but will play his cards right to get you into bed. He is noncommittal aka emotionally unavailable.

by Danielle Wright
Image Credit: (L-R) Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly and Anne Hathaway as Andy Sachs in 2006's 'The Devil Wears Prada'