Exploring the Intersection of Sex, Emotional Intimacy, and Culture In the Black Community

The intersection of sex and emotional intimacy refers to the connection and overlap between physical sexual experiences and the emotional closeness between individuals in a relationship.

It explores how sex and emotional intimacy influence, support, or complicate one another. In 2024, we like to joke and say things like, “cut the mic” or “go build a house” when referring to men who have taken to social platforms to voice their wants, needs, and sometimes grievances towards women—whether these women are in their lives or are the women they seek to court. However, there is no real message, lesson, or point to these conversations as intimacy is just that, intimate.

When your aim is to be intimate with someone, it means you want to be able to share a whole range of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we have as human beings. If these men are sharing a space where they are divulging negative feelings towards women on public platforms, they are, in a sense, being intimate with one another, leaving little to no room for a woman’s presence in their lives.

When speaking about her experience as a sex worker and the different types of clientele she receives regularly, Aliyah H. says, “I see that Black men are not willing to spend money on anything unless it’s something they feel has value in it—like a car or their homeboys. It’s crazy because Black men are so homophobic, but they are the main ones to do some of the most homoerotic shit with their homeboys.” She’s SINGLE Magazine conducted a study on the diversity of male podcasters and their discussion topics this past summer, and below are our findings:

The study explored the types of men who host podcasts, with a specific focus on African American male podcasters who primarily discuss relationships. The research was conducted through a combination of content analysis, surveying, and interviews with podcasters across various platforms (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, etc.). The goal was to identify patterns in podcast hosts’ demographics and the topics they focus on, with a particular interest in the role that African American men play in relationship-themed content.

METHODOLOGY:

KEY FINDINGS:

Podcasting Demographics –

• 50% of the podcasters in the sample were African American men.
• Within this group, 35% focus primarily on relationships, making it one of the most popular genres among African American male podcasters.

Relationship-Focused Podcasts –

• Out of the African American men discussing relationships, topics frequently explored include:
• Gender roles and expectations (70% of relationship podcasts)
• Dating and marriage advice (60%)
• Mental health and emotional intelligence in relationships (40%)
• Fatherhood and co-parenting (35%)
• Pop culture and entertainment (30%)
• Sports and fitness (20%)
• Entrepreneurship and finance (15%)

It is ironic that African American men contribute significantly to the conversation around relationships, and yet they lack emotional intelligence when it comes to dating, resources for building and sustaining generational wealth, as well as the ability to successfully parent the children they make with their significant others. Black men are also known for being the largest demographic to create broken homes.

If more men find it easier to be in these intimate settings with their male counterparts while discussing their expectations for the women they aim to date, it’s safe to say that they could lack any real interest in women and will simply date and marry to meet societal expectations. The discussion around sex and intimacy should not take place among the same sex (whether it’s a group of men or a group of women) and should not be discussed publicly.

Things like emotional vulnerability in the bedroom, mutual reinforcement during sex, or the disconnect between the two should be discussed in private. Public opinion is never going to travel straight; people will agree, disagree, form their own opinions, and defend their moot points with opinions due to having a competitive spirit and so on. Men and women view sex and intimacy differently. While sex can deepen emotional bonds by creating a sense of closeness, trust, and vulnerability, and can be a way of expressing love and affection by strengthening the emotional connection, most men are in it for the pleasure.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is when a woman can learn early on whether a man sees her as an inanimate object or a person. Most men shy away from intimate conversations with their women, even though, for women, this level of intimacy strengthens the relationship on her end. So, if he’s not willing to be intimate with you but will share his deepest trauma with another man in a barbershop with a podcast mic in front of him, he’s essentially deepening that bond while merely scratching the surface at home.

Emotional intimacy without sex is where physical touch is not the focus but can still foster deep emotional connections. Most men will prefer to spend their time with their friends because they can, in fact, be vulnerable with them—if he’s low on finances, needs a place to sleep or live, or needs clothes, etc. Another male can empathize with him and will not judge him, whereas a woman, to whom he’s courting or aims to please, will judge him relentlessly.

So the question is, should we cut the mics or simply shift the conversation? It’s no surprise that most Black men are not discussing finances because there is no demographic that would find the content useful or believable. Given their track record with relationships, why are so many Black men discussing relationships? It’s that they crave intimacy and sex but at a lower rate than their counterparts are willing to pay. Thus, we get an influx of content that panders to young, impressionable women and weak-minded men who lack any real direction when it comes to finding and dating a woman or men; it’s a toxic cycle of abuse.

But this kind of content can backfire because discussing out loud your rules, regulations, conditions, and demands for your partner is no different than a job asking you to type out your job experience even though you’ve already submitted your resume; it’s just too much work, and the reward is simply not worth it. Jump through hoops for a man with little to no resources who lacks emotional intelligence and cannot afford a wife and children? No, thank you.

by Lisa K. Stephenson