Dear Danielle: My Boyfriend Follows Attractive Girls On Instagram

I think it’s safe to say that almost all of us have social media—single or not it’s a place where we can go to laugh, be entertained, stay updated on current events, and more.

But what happens when your boyfriend follows attractive girls on Instagram? I remember when I was dating this guy, oddly enough before we became intimate, I honestly had no care in the world over his social media.

But once we did and it was becoming an ongoing thing, his social media slowly began coming into focus for me. I finally went through his following and I was shocked at what I saw…it was thousands of women. While some of these women did follow him back and the women he followed resembled me slightly—hence, I knew I was his type—in all honesty, it made me uncomfortable.

Many men online will tell women not to make this a big deal and to stop being insecure, well, I’m not going to tell you that. I want to say first and foremost, sorry that you’re going through this, because no woman should feel like she isn’t good enough. Insecurities in relationships don’t just appear out of thin air, things happen to make you that way. Whether it’s that you’ve gained some weight and your boyfriend no longer tells you you’re attractive, or you’ve recently given birth, and so on. Either way, your feelings are not invalid.

When I started doing some real digging, I not only found the other women he was dating along with me, but I also found out he still had photos of himself and his ex on his Instagram page. So, no, you’re not crazy. When you realize that your boyfriend is following attractive women on social media it’s not a time for you to freak out and start making demands, instead, you want to take this time to express to your boyfriend that his actions make you uncomfortable.

Most men will see this as an opportunity for them to reevaluate their ways and make amends. Men hate arguments and most will do their best to avoid one where possible. Something like social media is not enough to lose your relationship over, so if his actions don’t immediately change once you express your concerns, then it’s safe to say he doesn’t value you or your relationship.

DO NOT STAY SILENT

Men are not mind readers, neither are women. If you don’t speak up and say what’s bothering you, how else can he know? Men are visible creatures, but it’s only a matter of time before he starts comparing you to these women. It will be subtle at first, perhaps he’ll suggest a trip to the gym or for you to change your hair color or style.

Each time I experienced this, I ended up learning that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Don’t overlook red flags because you fear an argument will ensue. As I mentioned earlier, if expressing your concerns doesn’t immediately make him want to change or stop the behavior altogether, then he’s already checked out.

Men have a timeline when it comes to their relationships. If he’s doing little things to upset you but you notice he isn’t changing or leaving the relationship, it’s usually because he hasn’t secured your replacement as of yet. He’s following a plethora of women to gauge their interest.

Which one of them likes all of his photos?
Which one hearts his stories? 
Which one responds to his DM’s? 

These are all things he’s looking for to know who he should pursue as he keeps you around because you’re a safe bet. If something falls short with these other women, you’ll still be around. Don’t be the placeholder to a man like this, he doesn’t respect women.

AN UNHEALTHY HABIT

Social media has made cheating so easy that it can become a habit that men form. Over time these habits can turn into addictions which can be detrimental to your relationship in other ways. If he’s doing this on social media then don’t be surprised if you learn that he’s on a dating app or is attending events where you’re not invited to go. The action itself is not always the problem, it’s the intention.

The intention is an aim or plan. Following multiple women on socials means there is intent to either date these women or cheat with them. You don’t want to turn a blind eye and if you feel like this is something you can ignore, then don’t be afraid to start seeking other options as well. Maybe you can begin liking photos of random men, sharing them via your story, and following them on socials. Allowing him to see you mirror his actions could spark a bit of jealousy in him. But make no mistake, this can lead to a positive change in your relationship.

Men cannot take what they dish out. If your actions hurt his feelings and he decides to speak up about it, then it’s the perfect time for you to express your grievances as well. In that moment you’ve successfully done two things: you’ve shown him with actions that you will not tolerate unfavorable behavior and you helped to redirect his behavior by communicating effectively—making him believe that his changing is all his idea.

Social media is not just an app, one conversation can lead to many things outside of it. Some men even travel to other states to cheat. Do not be naïve in thinking that these actions are harmless, but don’t be pushy either. Find a middle ground and stick to your boundaries. Preferably, if you can find a man with no social media accounts at all that would be the ultimate win. But I suppose we shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves. Best of luck with this and if you want to share your experience by leaving us a comment below, feel free to do so.

by Danielle Wright