by Kyla Cruz
Okay so first off, congratulations.
If you’ve landed here it’s probably because you’re now in a committed relationship. But what if you’re this person’s well….first girlfriend or boyfriend? Here me out, been there, done that and to be honest it made me feel like I was more of a lesson to him than a partner. As I write this article I am speaking from both experience and professional knowledge.
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It is not unusual for a new partner who is inexperienced to seek out someone with more experience in dating. Is it selfish? Perhaps, maybe just a little. Are you, the person who decided to be with this person a bit insecure? Perhaps, maybe just a little.
Here you have it, a selfish and insecure person coming together to form a new relationship. Listen, nowhere did I say this article was going to coddle you or tell you what you want to hear. I am giving you the unfiltered truth about your new relationship so that you can have the best possible outcome.
Both you and your partner should deep dive into why you’re coming together. Why has this person been single for so long and why would you—an experienced lover, friend, and companion—want to be with someone who cannot reciprocate your level of intimacy?
It is not because they do not want to, they simply lack the experience to do so. Now, you’ve entered into teacher mode. You have to be patient with this person, understanding and practice a ton of forgiveness, which essentially, you are doing yourself a disservice. But if it’s the first relationship for you both, that is completely different.
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Many of us tend to do this one thing when seeking a new partner, we want someone who is the complete opposite of the last person we dated. So maybe your last boyfriend was experienced in relationships and things ended badly. Maybe he was extroverted and now you prefer someone a bit introverted with little to no experience in dating believing this person is less likely to cause you the same pain.
While in theory, this sounds great, why wouldn’t you go for the polar opposite of what hurt you? Well, think of it this way, it was that person’s actions that hurt you, not the person. Needless to say, just because a person is extroverted and an experienced lover does not mean they lack the morals and values to be a faithful and honest lover.
Seeking someone outside of those qualities with less experience because you fear being hurt is a silly reason to be someone’s first aka their guinea pig. Think about it, how often does someone remain in a relationship with the person who took their virginity or the person who they dated back in middle school or high school? It’s seldom for a reason. Some just want the experience you have to eventually venture out into the world to find who and what they truly want.
Dating someone who has never been in a relationship requires tons of patience and trust. Without any romantic history you no doubt expect this person to be self-absorbed or self-serving.
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PLEASE NOTE: Just because it is an expectation, does not mean it will be a reality. Some men do make great partners to their first girlfriends after getting past the learning curve.
However, in many cases, you will have to be there to correct them, a light tap on the back of the wrist, “Oh no dear, please do not do that. Do this instead.” So, yes, congratulations on training a man to be perfect for somebody else—in some cases, not all.
Next, be prepared for this person to have no filter. Men who have been in a few adult relationships will eventually learn to tone down on some of the unwanted comments. He will be able to use wisdom to recognize which information should be left unsaid. Relationships like this can thrive, but not without some self-searching. Why is it your instinct to date someone who is inexperienced if you are the opposite? And how much are you willing to sacrifice to teach and mold this person into being the person you want and need?
Our advice, take things slow and ask the right questions. Being someone's first real relationship can feel like a burden, especially when he or she does not have a filter. They can say things that can hurt your feelings and at the moment not think twice about it.
Meanwhile, it may take you walking away from that person and for them to make the same mistake with someone else for them to really understand it was an unfavorable act. By then, you’ve wasted your time and are now in healing. Something like that could have been avoided.
SOME TIPS FOR MEN GETTING INTO THEIR FIRST RELATIONSHIP:
Sometimes when a woman wants to talk to you about something that’s bugging her, she just wants you to listen and sympathize. Men are fixers and so your first instinct is to solve the problem. But, you may not have to suggest solutions unless she asks for them.
Arguments are not about being right, it is about remaining in the relationship.
Clean up after yourself, please. Your partner is your partner, not your maid.
If you’re not too busy and she asks you to do something (i.e. change the smoke alarm battery, put up a small mirror or take the garbage out), prioritize that. No argument, no rolling your eyes, no heavy sighing. Those things will make her feel like she is annoying you and you don’t want to make anyone feel that way, especially someone you care about.
Lastly, don’t neglect yourself—your friends, your family, and so on. You have to have a life, but your life should include her as well.