by Danielle Wright
Did you know that many men refer to single women over the age of 35 as "vintage" or "leftovers"?
Image Credit: J. Countess | Getty Images
"Vintage Pussy," as some men call it, refers to a woman deemed too old to fit their ideal social image, as few men prefer dating younger, more impressionable women. The belief is that the older a woman gets, the less likely she is to be considered interesting or worthy of marriage, especially if other men haven’t already pursued her. After watching the Netflix documentary Sweet Bobby, it got me thinking: have women over the age of 35 really aged out of dating?
Related articles: Dating Someone With a Kid
As I type this from my cubicle at a company owned by a 35-year-old woman, I think the answer is more complex. My boss is active in the gym, looks younger than many women in their twenties—some of whom I’m friends with—and is a successful businesswoman and Army veteran. Yet, she’s single and has no desire to date men. Interestingly, most of the men interested in her are under 28, and I’ve seen this firsthand. This isn’t an ad for my boss, but there's a point here, I promise!
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to dating. For instance, Kirat Assi, a London resident and radio presenter, believed she was finally going to meet the man she had been texting for nine years. I won’t spoil the documentary for those who haven’t seen it, but when the truth came out, she was in her forties, wondering if she would ever find true love, settle down, or start a family. Nowadays, women over 35 in the dating pool often fall into two categories: desperate or nonchalant.
Related articles: How to Date An Introvert
Related articles: Is Dating a Man With a Child Worth it?
Desperate women, or "hopeless romantics" as they often refer to themselves, show that maturity and the ability to decenter men don’t always come with age. We see this with R&B singer Keyshia Cole, who, at 43, is dating a younger man who publicly embarrasses her by cheating with his exes and calling her delusional on social media. Antonio Brown did something similar to her, despite her being the mother of two children.
K. Michelle, at 42, is on the reality TV show Queens Court, and though she tries to appear strong and independent, she still comes across as desperate to the men on the show. The same can be said for Tamar Braxton and her relationship with Jeremy. Women over 40 who act desperate for love are at a disadvantage—not because of their age, but because of their mindset.
Related articles: Psychological Effects of Online Dating
Related articles: Is It Adultery to Date While Separated?
They are either perceived as too independent and masculine (like K. Michelle) or as naïve and overly romantic (like Keyshia Cole), making them undesirable to men who are seeking genuine relationships that could lead to marriage. If men aren’t showing up at dating events like speed dating or singles mixers with the intent of finding love, why would they be trusted on reality shows, where they are being paid just to interact?
It’s not authentic. While we see women like K. Michelle and Keyshia Cole in these situations, it begs the question: what about the women we don’t see? Everyday women like you and me, navigating life like Kirat Assi, who wanted love so badly she fell for a man she hadn’t seen, touched, or kissed in over nine years.
Related articles: Disadvantages of Dating a Broke Man
Related articles: What Not to Do On a Second Date
Women over 40 aren’t aging out of the dating pool, but they are making themselves less desirable through their desperation, which leads to disappointing outcomes. Love can exist at any age, but the reality is that men can sense desperation from a mile away—whether you’re 22 and blowing up his phone or 50. Men value their space, and women need to learn to be a bit more selfish with their time and energy.
Nonchalant women are winning the dating game and will continue to dominate because they have positioned themselves as both attractive and elusive to the average man. Their allure comes from the fact that they prioritize themselves so much that dating becomes an option, not a necessity. These women spend their days working on their hobbies, careers, and self-love.
Image Credit: Johnny Nunez | Getty Images
Related articles: Dating a Nice But Boring Guy...
Related articles: Dear Danielle: Online Dating Is Not Working for Me - Let's Bring Back Coffee...
They're also building their wardrobe, drawing attention from both men and women. During this time, their confidence grows so much that even at eighty, men would still be drawn to them. The reason is simple: she doesn’t need a man—men want and need her. Her feminine aura makes men feel more masculine, and her maturity and well-groomed appearance are added bonuses.
Men who date older women are often seen as responsible and leader-like, and dating a mature, feminine woman earns them admiration from their peers. Younger men, in particular, seek out older women to gain respect from those around them. So, if you’re over thirty-five, it’s safe to say you’ve entered your most desirable stage yet. The only way to age yourself out of dating is by lacking boundaries, standards, and not taking pride in your appearance.
Related articles: Date Night Ideas For Married Couples
Related articles: He Is Dating Me and Someone Else
Elusive women are a man’s kryptonite. Men know that older women are more stable and less likely to tolerate bad behavior. These women can easily leave a relationship that no longer serves them, which means less time healing and more time enjoying the relief of being free from a bad partner. As Lisa says, “I don’t mind getting married one day, but my husband has to understand he’s likely going to be third on my list of priorities. It’s God first, career, the maid, him, and then the rest of my family. Children are not something I’m sure I want, so he’ll have some convincing to do.”
Women who break away from traditional societal norms have a higher chance of landing a man smitten by them. They are independent but not masculine, decisive, and resourceful on their own. No man—or human—wants to feel responsible for another functioning adult without that person adding value to their life. This mindset isn’t just for women wanting men to provide and protect; it’s a shared human desire. So yes, love can be found at any age, but your first love should always be yourself.