Can a Toxic Relationship Ever Become Healthy?

A relationship between two people, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, relies on the contribution of all parties involved.

If one person is giving more than the other—a codependent giver—they are likely to experience burnout, resentment, and even neurological disorders. Toxic relationships can negatively impact both your mental and physical health. Many of us overcompensate in relationships and then become irritated when the person we’ve done so much for does nothing to reciprocate the effort. But we are only responsible for ourselves and our actions.

“When I do anything for anyone, I don’t expect anything in return. My blessings will come from God, not man,” says Lisa K. Stephenson, author of The Snows of Khione. “Keeping my expectations of people low or even nonexistent has led me to a happier, more peaceful life. Less disappointment.” When you begin to wonder if your toxic relationship can become healthy, it’s time to examine what made the relationship toxic in the first place, as this will determine if things can be salvaged.

First, we have to look at masculine versus feminine energy in 2024 because things are indeed different now than they were fifty years ago. Women are now high-income earners who travel, live alone, date themselves, and are no longer fighting to be chosen. Many men are independent and can cook, clean, and take care of themselves without a woman.

So, the question becomes, why do we want a partner? Is it a void we are looking to fill? Companionship? When you learn the reason why you want to be in a union with someone or why you want to get along with someone, it will help you determine the best course of action to mend that relationship or bond. Once you have made the conscious decision to enter into a relationship, you must establish boundaries. Most toxic relationships lack direction, interest, and boundaries.

What this means is that while you do have your independence and are capable of certain things, you understand that your partner is there to fill those gaps and take over. As a woman, just because you’ve bought a home, car, and have a high-paying job does not give you the right to emasculate your partner and berate them whenever they do not get the oil changed on time or fix the garage door because that’s your demand for the week.

Men, just because you have a partner now does not give you the right to use weaponized incompetence as a means to no longer cook and clean up after yourself. A healthy romantic relationship is when two people who are independent of one another come together to practice interdependence respectfully.

Masculine men like problems and challenges, whereas little boys prefer to have their mom handle things for them. Women who take on the mommy role in their relationships will always face challenges with their partner. Additionally, saying yes to everything and suppressing feelings are signs of insecurity and inadequacy in women. Masculine men are turned off by masculine women and yes-women.

Yes-women, in particular, because they are seen as needy, dependent, guilt-inducing, and easily manipulated by other men. We may wonder why the ‘pick me’s’ are never chosen; well, that’s the reason. If you present yourself as any of the above, you will fall victim to a toxic relationship and cycle of abuse. It is not only because the person you’re with is manipulating you, but also because you’re allowing them to. In a toxic relationship, there are no victims, only volunteers.

The only way to successfully turn the situation around is to walk away. Yes, I know that’s not the advice you wanted, but here’s the cold hard truth: most men hate change—if you don’t establish yourself in the beginning, it will make no difference if it’s two months or two years. What you allow in the beginning is what will continue, and why shouldn’t it? Think of it this way: you apply for a job you really want and you get a call back for the interview (you’re ecstatic) and so you start prepping for the interview, maybe even buy yourself a new outfit to impress the hiring manager.

Then you go in, and you get the job (you’re stoked now and follow the rules to a T, no mistakes, no problems). After a year or two, you start to cut corners because it’s not uncommon for people at this job to take shortcuts—many of your co-workers do it and they aren’t reprimanded. Now, you get comfortable taking those shortcuts, but you’re still getting your work done and you’re still an asset to the company. But let’s say you start to grow bored, so you slack off a bit more, and finally, your boss starts to complain and nag you.

But you know they have a high turnover rate, so they can’t really fire you—or at least they’re unwilling to. So, you get even more bored and before you know it, you’re eyeing new job opportunities with higher pay and better benefits, and you start interviewing for those positions behind your job’s back. Then they find out and they fire you. A few months go by and they break no-contact and reach out to you again, asking if you’d be interested in returning—they’ll even sweeten the deal—higher pay, better benefits.

By now you’re confused because it’s like, “Sheesh, I left and they’re still trying to get me back? I must be that gworl!!!” Finally, you go back. The probability that you’re going to take this job for granted even more so than you did before is high. Men are no different. If a man leaves your life or stops treating you with the respect and energy he had for you in the beginning, then you have to leave and not look back. If that job never got back in touch with you and the new job started to become a pain in the ass, you would no doubt begin to question your actions.

We all make mistakes and have all been the needy girl in a relationship, but it’s not too late to become a better version of yourself. Be grateful for the chance to start over with someone new and practice what you’ve learned, or give yourself and the other person time until they come around, allowing you to show that you’re not the same person anymore. You’ve evolved.

Men notice change; they’ll test you at first to see if you’ve truly changed or are just putting up a front. However, once you embark on this journey of self-discovery for yourself and not for a man, the change will be palpable. He'll have no choice but to accept this new version of you. You’ll have shown yourself to be an invaluable asset to his life and psyche.

On the other hand, if you cannot leave the toxic relationship and have to stay in it, consider some disturbing facts: loving the wrong person for too long can lead you to become physically ill.

Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) refers to a neurological condition caused by changes in how the brain networks work, rather than changes in the brain's structure, as seen in many neurological disorders. Symptoms include seizure-like episodes, movement problems, dizziness, speech difficulties, problems with vision or hearing, and extreme slowness and fatigue.

Risk factors in adults include exposure to psychological stressors and a history of abuse—this can happen as early as childhood or in adulthood. This includes, but is not limited to, family problems, perceived peer pressure, and abuse. It is common for people with FND to also have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. A toxic relationship can cause nerve damage, and PTSD can develop from it. PTSD can manifest itself in various ways within the context of a toxic relationship.

SYMPTOMS:

• Hypervigilance: Suspecting your partner of infidelity, which can keep you up at night.
• Emotional Numbing: Becoming too afraid to speak to your partner about certain topics or conversations because you fear an argument will ensue.
• Isolation: Feeling like you can’t speak to anyone about what is going on because you’ve exhausted your support system, so you isolate or doom-scroll on social media apps to find relatable content. This keeps you in a cycle of confusion and depression.
• Substance Abuse: Using alcohol or drugs to cope with the stress and pain of the toxic relationship.
• Memory Issues: Forgetting small but important details about your life or the people around you because your life is consumed by the abuse and the role your partner plays in seeing you in this low vibrational state.

All in all, a toxic relationship can become healthy if both parties are willing to work through and on their flaws. But some toxic relationships are simply not worth salvaging. If it comes down to your health or your relationship, always choose your health. No man or woman is worth your life because, once you devolve into a shell of yourself, the person you’ve stuck around for and fought for will not see you the same and will leave anyway.

So, it will never be worth it in the end. Leave, recharge, change, and if it’s meant to be, they will come back around. They’ll either see this new you as a reason to level up and treat you better, or they’ll be too intimidated to stick around, and the trash will take itself out.

by Danielle Wright