by Diamond Brown
As many of us continue to navigate the dating pool it’s important to use discernment when taking the advice of others.
Right now, there are a plethora of men and women claiming to be relationship coaches, trauma coaches, and gurus of some kind.
But the reality is that everyone has a motive behind it—to tell people what they want to hear, also known as sugarcoating the truth, in hopes that hopeless romantics will stick around and purchase their e-book from Amazon.
We’re not here to sell you a pipe dream…or an e-book. With that said, I was asked a rather simple question: Do men change for the women they want? The quick and easy answer is no. Like I said there are a ton of relationship coaches online now, so much so that the niche has become oversaturated with lies and confusion. As a spiritual woman, I do not dwell in confusion which is why this article is going to be very straightforward.
For too long women have suffered due to patriarchy—believing that to be fulfilled and happy in life they must have children and aspire to marriage from a young age. Men on the other hand are taught to be a player and date or sleep with multiple women up until a certain age, when he will then look to settle down with his wife.
A few things to unpack here…if a man is taught that it is okay to be promiscuous up until a certain age, why do you believe he is going to ‘change’ for the right woman? Wouldn’t that mean he is making the conscience decision to deviate from who he is to accomplish his present goal (i.e., to remain emotionally unavailable to sleep with many women/cheat without feeling any real guilt)? *I am going to further break this down in another article*
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Most mature women have said that a man is not ready for marriage or is of any use, until he is at least 30 years old and that was pre-COVID. Post-COVID, let’s say 33 and up is when you should be seeking a man to date and take seriously if you are a woman seeking marriage. You see, the likelihood that a younger man is just playing the field and is not operating in his masculinity is very high. So, all in all, you would be voluntarily wasting your time.
The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until the age of 25 or so. The frontal lobes are the largest in the human brain and they are also the most common region of injury in traumatic brain injury. The frontal lobe is responsible for managing our thinking, emotions, personality, judgment, self-control, muscle control, movements, and memory storage.
Based on that information, we can deduce that if you are dating a man over the age of 25, he is therefore cognizant of his actions towards you through the use of his frontal lobe.
SELF-CONTROL: His ability to remain faithful and not treat you like a second-class citizen
MEMORY STORAGE: His ability to remember your birthday and anniversary or the little things about you
PERSONALITY: His ability to attract you to him and so on…
(FYI, I am tying these examples to relationships so that the article is cohesive)
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So, when women ask, “Do men change for the women they want?” the answer is a simple no. That means he is not changing because he wants you, he will change when he does not want you. In other words, he will purposely go against his true nature to show you he is emotionally unavailable, unstable, disinterested, or lazy. You see when a man meets the woman he does want, he does not have to change, he simply has to be himself and adapt to her standards to impress her. That is it.
A man with ambition who is generous is not going to show his ambition and generosity to a woman he does not like or see a future with. This does not mean he is a bad guy, he is simply doing what society has told him to do… play the field and have fun until he’s ready to settle down. Afterward, he should look to become a functional human being and an asset to society and his relationships.
If you choose to date a man under the age of 32, you are taking the chance that he may still be in the process of finding himself. He may rely on you for financial assistance, unload his emotional baggage on you, and essentially use your resources until he is ready to grow out of that phase. Once he makes the decision to change, the woman who is present during that time is the one he will marry and settle down with. However, it's important to understand that his change is not solely for her.
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Okay Diamond, what’s the solution? I’m glad you asked. Figure out what you want. Are you looking to be married by the age of 26 or 28? Then cast your net wide to include the men in their thirties. By that time most men want to settle down, they’ve had their fun and they’re ready to utilize their frontal lobe for the good of a monogamous relationship, and more.
Most men under that age, simply just aren’t ready, so you don’t have to fear that one day he’s going to wake up and become this great guy for someone else. The fear should start the moment you meet him, you should now know he is choosing to be the wrong guy for you to get you to give him what he wants while he still keeps his options open. I believe this is why the term 'narcissist' is both heavily and incorrectly used in today's generation.
Immature men and narcissists can have things in common: love bombing, selfishness and more. But, what everyone is mistaking for love bombing is simply a tactic to get you interested in him during his player phase so you can be a benefit to him.
Whether or not he sees a future with you, if given the chance he is going to use you. Then one day, marry someone else. You see now, he doesn't change for the new girl because if he was so terrible he never would have been able to get you in the first place. He did what needed to be done to satisfy his needs at that current stage in his life.
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Let’s dispel the myth that you have to teach a man how to be a gentleman or a good man, you are not his mother, father, or sister. It is not your responsibility. There is no such thing as ‘making him better for the next woman’ because depending on the household he came from, 9/10 he’s already better. He is just deciding not to be better for you because you showed up at the wrong time in his life. It’s nothing personal.