by Abigail Hope & Lisa K. Stephenson
As the relationship authority magazine, it is our duty to help readers like you in such a crisis – dating red flags. So, whether you’re looking for a dating red flags checklist or just a bulleted list of what to keep an eye on when dating again, we’ve got you covered.
The most recent episode of She’s SINGLE New York had us thinking…when cast member, Jesaura Peralta mentioned that her date abruptly told her to “Shut up” when he was receiving a call from the mother of his 1-year old child. Ding, ding, ding, ladies, we have a winner, that is a major RED FLAG that should send you running.
Catch the clip here on our YouTube channel – don’t forget to like and subscribe.
At the beginning of the dating stage, we all want to believe that the person we’ve taken an interest in is normal and as Miranda Hobbs once said, “…has his lights on.” What does this mean? It means when a man is dating he is dating with a purpose and looking for commitment, therefore his light is on…but what if this is the opposite? How can we tell?
JEALOUSY – A combination of anxiety, insecurity, anger, and fear. Nothing good can come from a man who is jealous and possessive over a woman he is dating. While it is okay to check in periodically, your future beau should have enough confidence and a life, to give you space and trust that if you are into him and him alone, only he holds the power to sway your mind in the opposite direction. However, there is another form of jealousy, perhaps this person is jealous of your success. If they don’t want to hear your stories that don’t include them or they don’t support your work. This is a good time to head back out and see who else is available.
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ISOLATED – Now for some, this can be a good thing. I once dated a guy who kept telling me that he had no friends and so he was always available and willing to hang with me and mine. But this becomes overwhelming after a while. Don’t get me wrong, some people are natural loners, but if they’re a loner because they dislike others or because others dislike them, this is a red flag. You want someone who has a healthy social life but can balance both.
LACK OF MOTIVATION – No one wants to be fully obligated for the wellbeing of another, even after a certain age, most parents encourage their children to fend for themselves and begin to find some level of independence. A relationship is no different. If a man is not motivated at work, he will not be motivated in the relationship. You cannot expect planned dates, romance, and trying new things with a person who lacks ambition. This individual will drain you emotionally and mentally, sometimes even financially. Run.
HOT AND COLD – We get it, life happens. But communication saves a nation. When something stressful happens at work you want someone who can be open and honest about needing space. You in turn should be respectful of their boundaries. When a man is hot and cold (i.e. benching and breadcrumbing) they are inconsistent, and this is not a good sign.
Either the person has lost interest completely or you’ve become their second option. Benching someone means meetups have come to a halt, but text messages remain infrequent, enough to keep you around but nothing more. Breadcrumbing is leading someone on with no intention of building a real relationship. Both are bad and while it is not always easy to tell when this happens, just remember, positive masculine energy is all about taking action. If he is not taking action towards building a future it is time to kick him to the curb.
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RELATIONSHIP TALK – We now live in what I like to call the “hookup culture” of dating and while this is toxic many women have conformed to the idea to appeal to men. When you find that you are afraid to bring up the words, relationship or marriage to this person you’re dating, you may be stuck in a situationship. Something undefined. While this can be normal for the first few weeks after a couple of months, you should be a couple— (don’t let that go over your heads). Clear communication is a good start to a healthy relationship.
CRAZY EXES – Sure, there are SOME crazy exes but not everyone can be the problem. If your new beau is quick to blame his past lovers for the demise of their relationships, it’s time to run. Not only is this a person who does not believe in growth, but you will no doubt suffer the same fate one day.
PRIORITY – Having independence is a huge turn-on, but there should be a balance as previously stated. If they ask you to hang out more than a few times per week, this could be a red flag, but depending on how you feel about them, it could be a healthy form of building something real. Some blogs may state otherwise, but we’re here to tell you that everything does not have to be conceived as negative.
Men have feelings too, and if they find themselves smitten with a woman they will naturally want to spend time with her. Think of it as a friendship versus dating to help take the pressure off. If ever you feel smothered, be sure to communicate this and set boundaries. If this new beau does not respect them, THAT is the red flag.
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LOVE BOMBING – Narcissists are infamous for love bombing and having negative masculine energy. In scenarios such as this, the man is simply trying to “get it over with”. He is showering you with compliments, has taken an excessive interest in your hobbies, texting and calling many times a day, and showering you with gifts almost immediately. This is a person who wants to get in and get out. They are not looking to love you, they are looking to possess you, have you, for you are merely an object. Once you are no longer the shiny new toy, they will discard you.
CHECKING IN – How often your new bae is checking in can be a cause for worry. Do they text you when you’re out with friends more than once? Do they get upset if you’re out later than you should be, or said you would be? No one wants to feel like they’re on a leash, it’s time to let this one go.
BABY MOMMA – Does he have children? Okay, we know, this can be touchy. But the reality is if you’re dating a man with children who are less than 3 years old, it is probably in your best interest to steer clear and allow him and his previous partner ample time to work through their differences and exhaust every possible means of reconciliation. If he’s dating you but prioritizes her, then you may be in for more than you’ve bargained for, and it could be time to call it quits.
There you have it, 10 red flags that should send you running. If you have more to add leave us a comment below. We’d love to hear your thoughts.