The Rise of 'Platonic Soulmates': Are Romantic Relationships Losing Their Appeal?
We hear it all the time, “Men are simple,” and that is true. How simple, you ask? Men are socially programmed to be leaders and protectors—excluding those who grew up in poverty or were not taught to aspire to marriage. Let’s focus on men who are masculine and resourceful, capable of fulfilling one of their life’s purposes: to procreate or head a household.
These men are actively looking for soulmates, but the twist is, they don’t want just any soulmate—no. We rarely hear about the friend-to-lover pipeline and how those relationships tend to be more successful and long-lasting compared to the date-to-marriage pipeline. When men hunt, they do so with one primary goal in mind: sex. Testosterone levels, visual stimuli, neurochemicals, and even cultural expectations often lead men to prioritize building physical connections over emotional or romantic ones.
This is often when you see a man asking a woman on a date, and after the second or third date, he expects her to reciprocate by either taking him on a date or offering him something tangible in exchange for his effort. If not a gift, then intimacy. Some men will rush dates or lump them together to accelerate the process of getting a woman into bed (e.g., a date on Friday night, breakfast on Saturday morning, and brunch on Sunday). This would mean that, technically, you’ve had three dates, and he feels it’s time to get something in return.
The average man is not looking to “get to know” a woman he finds attractive; his goal is simply to bed her and then decide afterward if she’s worth sticking around for. During this time, while he’s courting or actively pursuing you, he’ll put his best foot forward out of a feeling of obligation and societal expectations. But do men like this feeling? No. In fact, they hate it. The idea that they have to spend upwards of $200 on a date, only to then follow it up with more dates, flowers, drinks, and romance, is something no man wants to do willingly.
While many men will take their chances and risk pursuing a low-hanging-fruit woman simply by extending her an invitation to his home, other men will consciously use the bait-and-switch tactic. The bait-and-switch tactic is very common because, while courting a woman, a man may be investing his resources and time, making him more likely to stick around and see his plans through. In contrast, a woman may not become emotionally invested until she’s been intimate with that man. Once intimacy enters the picture, men usually dial down, and women dial up. Men are not stupid; they are strategic.
He’s therefore baited you into bed, and now, instead of him having to court and romance you, it’s expected that you will do everything in your power to keep him around. Women don’t want to be deemed as whores who monkey-branch from one man to the next, which makes them more likely to stick it out in relationships that are toxic, loveless, or even, at times, physically abusive. Patriarchy demonizes women who leave relationships—having multiple baby fathers, partners, suitors, etc.
They do this because men are supposed to get you into the relationship, but women are supposed to maintain it. If you don’t want your man to cheat, then you need to ensure that your beauty is unaltered—and heaven forbid you start to age or gain weight due to high cortisol levels or even childbirth. There’s been an uptick of women using dating apps who share their stories about how men are only interested in getting them to their homes for sex or a Netflix-and-chill session.
But why? Why aren’t men putting more effort into dates anymore? The answer is simple: they don’t have to. Women are no longer seen as elusive, valuable, and mystical beings that men have to go to war over; women have become cheap. A woman will love and date a man with means as long as he’s taking care of her while simultaneously cheating on her. Social media has, unfortunately, taken us deep inside the lives of celebrities—the very people many once looked up to and idolized.
Doing so has only revealed how accessible women have become, especially beautiful women. Women have tolerated so much from wealthy men, but in the past, it was never publicized—merely speculations that one would read in tabloids like People Magazine or Pop Sugar. We’ve since evolved and now have a lens into the lives of just about everyone, making it clear that women are not as treasured as they once were or were made out to be.
Is this every woman? No. But platonic soulmates are on the rise, as the men who are seeking romantic relationships want to do so without the pressure of falling for a woman they do not know outside of a romantic setting.
They say men and women cannot be friends, but rarely is it ever discussed why. Psychologically speaking, men may be more likely to develop romantic feelings for female friends because evolutionary psychology suggests that men are biologically driven to seek reproductive opportunities, often interpreting closeness and affection as potential romantic or sexual interest. This usually leads men to pursue a female friend rather than a woman they’ve met on the street, who may deem him obligated to impress her in order for him to experience the closeness and affection he desires.
Women, on the other hand, from an evolutionary standpoint, may be more selective in choosing romantic partners, often prioritizing traits that align with long-term compatibility rather than proximity and familiarity. An example of this: a man falls in love with his female best friend because she is funny, never asks him for anything, offers emotional support, and does not introduce sex, jealousy, or pressure for dates or to be romanticized. The man will eventually begin working on himself or offering to do nice things for her because he is not obligated to do so.
The female friend, on the other hand, is able to display the aforementioned qualities because she does not find him attractive or feels they lack compatibility. Perhaps after being his friend for so long, she has heard the unflattering comments he’s made toward the women he is intimate with or dates, and so she sees his character flaws, making him less attractive in her eyes. In cases like this, the man will usually end up telling the woman at some point that he has feelings for her, which often upsets the woman because their friendship may end up being ruined once it is established that the feelings are not mutual.
On the other hand, this may be the perfect opportunity to explore a relationship, and this practice seems to be rising in popularity. Men seeking romantic partners are now shifting away from actively pursuing new women and focusing on the women already present in their lives. “So, you can’t have friends?” is a popular pickup line that many men use when faced with rejection from a woman they encounter in a public setting but deem attractive. This is not because he wants to remain in the friend zone but because he knows there is a 7/10 chance he can enter a relationship with that woman at some point. He’ll take those odds.
by Danielle Wright
