The Psychology Behind Ghosting: Why It Happens and How to Heal

We’ve all been there—you meet a guy, exchange numbers, maybe go on a date or two, and then... crickets. It’s as if it never happened. Situations like these can leave you questioning your reality and may even trigger some insecurities. But the real question is: have you healed from those triggers, or were you just never around anyone who could activate them?

When our insecurities are triggered, it often means that something was said or done—whether intentionally or unintentionally—that caused us to feel self-conscious, inadequate, or unsure about ourselves. Insecurities are frequently rooted in past experiences, such as embarrassment, anxiety, or sadness. People who have strong reactions to being ghosted may be grappling with unhealed trauma from their past—this could stem from a previous romantic partner or even a parental figure. They may not yet have fully adjusted to life’s inevitable disappointments, particularly those involving people.

“Expectation is the mother of all disappointments,” meaning that having high or unrealistic expectations can lead to feelings of letdown when reality does not align with what we had hoped for. This is especially true for those using dating apps. For many women on these platforms, the intention is to meet someone special (a high expectation), and the initial presentation of that person online can amplify the disappointment when they don’t live up to it.

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Unlike meeting someone organically, where first impressions might be limited to a brief interaction, dating apps offer a curated glimpse into a person’s life. This upfront portrayal can lead to heightened expectations, making the sting of ghosting or unmet promises even sharper.

It’s only later that you learn this person may be an atheist or a father of four, but by then, he’s already been given access to you through your phone number. Enter the dating app, where surface-level details are laid out for you upfront. Dating apps make it easier to find people who fit your "type" and engage with them. Before you know it, you’re thinking, “He’s cute. We have good conversation, and he’s asked me on a date!” Your expectations of things working out have now skyrocketed.

However, on his end, the expectations are often very different. He’s browsing the app casually when another attractive woman pops up on his feed. He might already be in a relationship, just looking for a hookup, or, in the worst-case scenario, simply bored. This is where our #DitchTheDatingApp campaign has proven so successful. For men, dating apps aren’t perceived the same way they are for women. This shift became more pronounced during COVID, when lockdowns encouraged more men to realize they could still secure dates with minimal effort.

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No flowers, no romantic gestures, no gifts—just some hot wings, Netflix, and a drawer full of condoms. The outcome was the same, and all he had to do was swipe right. By the time a man shows even the slightest interest in a woman online, he already knows she’s at a disadvantage. Many men on these platforms see women as easy targets rather than potential life partners, especially if the man is considered attractive.

Let’s say you’ve made it to the dating phase, and he’s made plans to see you. You get dolled up, have your hair and nails done, only to be ghosted. Is there a psychological reason behind it? Absolutely. Situational factors often play a major role, such as emotional immaturity, which can lead to avoiding conflict or struggling with commitment issues.

An avoidant attachment style, for example, might explain his behavior. If that’s the case, consider it a blessing in disguise—why would you want to be with someone who lacks the ability to build a long-term relationship? This ties back to my earlier point about men on dating apps often already being in committed relationships.

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Men generally cannot split their emotions—time, sure—but their emotional bandwidth is limited. It’s widely known that men aren’t great cheaters because they tend to get caught. They thrive on routine and prefer when the women in their lives—who are often responsible for reciprocating their happiness—are happy and engaged. Once a man stops caring about your well-being and happiness, it’s a clear sign that someone else’s happiness has become his priority. And voilà—that’s usually the first of many signs he’s being deceptive.

This situation is slightly different. While it’s possible he’s in a relationship and exhibits an avoidant attachment style, it’s less likely. Post-COVID, most men who still take the time to approach women in person and risk rejection are often in their masculine energy and single. Men generally prefer the path of least resistance when pursuing goals they have little interest in investing in (e.g., meeting a woman on an app).

However, men who are intentional about settling down, confident, and masculine understand the importance of that first encounter. These men are more likely to approach women in their proximity and pursue them with purpose. They’ll buy flowers, plan thoughtful dates, and invite women to social gatherings. Your physical proximity to a man plays a significant role in determining if he takes you seriously.

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The likelihood of being ghosted decreases when a man perceives your value as higher than that of someone he met on a dating app. This interaction, no matter how small it may seem to you, is quite significant and meaningful (casual vs. serious intentions). Now, let’s say you two begin dating, and you start liking him more, but he slowly begins to withdraw and eventually ghosts you. This often stems from his evaluation of your communication, mannerisms, or compatibility, leading him to conclude that he’s not interested in a long-term commitment or relationship.

If he doesn’t ghost you outright, he may transition you into a situationship—keeping you around just long enough for him to take a break from the hunt or swiping endlessly on apps. Congratulations, you’ve been promoted to the “placeholder” position if you allow yourself to stay past the expiration date—which was clearly the moment he stopped pursuing you with genuine romantic intentions.

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There is no definitive answer on how to cope with ghosting other than to accept it, heal, and move on. Additionally, take some time for introspection. Reflect on why you allowed yourself to become so attached to something that was uncertain from the start.

It’s possible that you’re not ready for a relationship because you have what’s known as an anxious attachment style—feeling unworthy of love. Remember, you are worthy. However, to change your outcome, you need to shift your perspective, align your actions with your intentions, and rewrite the narrative you tell yourself. Let go of rigid expectations about what is “supposed to happen” and embrace a mindset of accepting whatever happens, happens.

by Danielle Wright