The Chase Is Over: How Do Men Feel After Sex

If you don’t know by now, the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of this magazine is author Lisa K. Stephenson, and she recently released her new book, The Artist. After receiving a sample copy, there was a part of the story that really stood out to me: Emily’s frustration toward her best friend, Janelle, after learning that she had slept with Manhattan mogul Kenneth Sundwall.

I know you may be thinking, “Okay, so what—she slept with a man, what’s the big deal?” Well, it’s what happens next. You see, Janelle starts planning their life together, and he’s, well… married, with a girlfriend, and emotionally unavailable. Not only that, but Janelle is fully aware of this.

Related articles: When a Guy Pulls Away, Do Nothing 

Unlike women, men are generally not as great at multitasking or thinking outside of the box. They tend to prefer things laid out clearly in front of them so they can make definitive decisions—decisions that must ultimately benefit them in the grand scheme of things. In fact, all of us are like this to some extent.

It’s no different than a woman interviewing for two jobs: one pays more but requires a long commute, and the other pays less but allows her to work from home. If she’s caring for a sick parent, has kids, or lacks reliable transportation, then job B is the better, safer choice. Well, men think the same way. They want to make decisions that align with their best interests.

So if a man is dating you and things are going well—so well that you end up doing the sheet dance—he’s going to observe how you behave afterward. Does your behavior align with his goals and future plans?

Women tend to become more emotional or attached after sex, and it’s not their fault—it’s hormonal. But extrinsic life factors alter how we experience these emotions. Perspective, as well as nature versus nurture, plays a huge role here.

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Women are often led to believe that men don’t like caring, affectionate women, when that’s not always the case. When a man is pursuing you (not chasing), he is actively showing interest, which means he’s trying to make room for you in his life. Once you two have sex, things may change—either because he’s disinterested in how you behave afterward, or because he never had intentions of taking you seriously in the first place.

The only way to know for sure which one it is? Never be afraid to walk away.

Contrary to popular belief, men do not leave or stop pursuing the women they like—or love—after sex. In fact, their interest often intensifies. But for a large majority of women, the reality can be different due to their own behaviors and lack of accountability. For example, after you have sex with a man, are you suddenly asking him to share his location with you? Are you calling him at random times during the day, stalking his social media, blocking other women, demanding that he unfollow certain accounts online, and trying to dictate how he spends his time between you and his friends? If you’re doing any of this and he starts to pull away, it’s not because he’s a narcissist who tricked you—it’s because you’re annoying.

Related articles: When to Text A Guy After Sleeping With Him 

POP QUIZ: In the case of Janelle and Kenneth, who is to blame if he decides to pull a Houdini? If your answer is Janelle, then congratulations—you might have a secure attachment style. Maybe.

But why? Why is she wrong for having relations with a married man who also has a girlfriend—and then getting treated like crap? Some might argue that he’s the only one expected to be loyal because he took vows. But how can you expect to be the exception to the rule when the pattern is already right there, in front of you? It’s like taking an open-book exam and still failing—the problem is you.

In the case of a man losing interest after sex, you need to analyze your attachment style and figure out what you’re actually looking to get from the situation. Self-preservation is paramount. The moment you stop prioritizing your needs is the moment you lose his respect—and your value begins to decline. That makes the chase unexciting, no longer a challenge, and ultimately not enticing for the man.

Related articles: Why Do Guys Distance Themselves After Intimacy? 

What does he have to aspire to if you’re giving him sex without commitment, cooking and cleaning for him, and constantly checking up on his well-being with texts and calls every hour on the hour? It’s exhausting. And suddenly, you’re no longer “hot”—you’re in mommy mode. And no one wants to fuck mean mommy.If you want a man to keep pursuing you after you’ve had sex, then you need to master the subtle art of not giving a f*ck. Seriously—it’s a novel. You should read it.

Ever wonder why sex with an ex is often the best? It’s because there’s no pressure to perform, no pressure to live up to expectations outside the bedroom. And that’s exactly why situationships have grown in popularity. People aren’t afraid of relationships—they’re afraid of who others become once the relationship starts.

by Danielle Wright