Self-Love Practices That Help Single Women Thrive
A young lady on TikTok has gone viral for sharing a video where she is seated in her vehicle, hoping to catch her boyfriend—who is not her boyfriend—cheating. The woman goes by the name Niani Miami on the clock app and recently started gaining traction on her page after sharing that her boyfriend refused her a place to stay despite knowing that she could not afford her rent and would be homeless along with her daughter.
Since then, Niani has taken her followers on the journey to raise money for her rent, visiting plasma centers and even going on dates with men who could potentially be her sponsor. However, it looks like Niani may have decided to spin the block, as she’s now sharing content of her camping outside of her ex’s home where she suspects him of cheating—yes, the same ex that was willing to allow her to be homeless… with her daughter. A portion of her live stream can be found on our YouTube channel.
As a single woman, there are a number of things we can do in the name of self-love and self-gratification, but can it ever be enough? When we find ourselves healing from one connection only to face the same triggers in another, is it merely coincidence, or are we just addicted to instability? In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie wakes up from what she perceives to be a nightmare while lying next to her then-boyfriend, Aiden.
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Her voiceover montage then goes on to share that her life felt too perfect—everything was “normal,” and her relationship was healthy. In the next scene, she’s with her friends discussing this: “I’m used to the chase…” when comparing her time with Mr. Big versus her relationship with Aiden and how things seem to just flow.
Carrie Bradshaw is like many single women who are drawn to high-stimulation relationships—or, as I like to call them, chaotic daters. Any woman who rejects the peace that comes with being single, with a stable partner or finds them boring might be described as someone with a drama-seeking attachment style (anxious attachment style). Toxic relationships can be addictive for a number of reasons:
DOPAMINE AND ADRENALINE HIGHS
The emotional rollercoaster that comes along with toxic relationships triggers dopamine and adrenaline, making the relationship feel intense and exciting. A single woman may inadvertently condition herself to view the bare minimum as a reward, thus triggering that dopamine release.
It’s most common with those on dating apps because the likelihood of you swiping right on a man you find attractive is 9 times out of 10 higher than you swiping on a man you find unattractive. For women, this initial attraction is enough to garner our attention. When this attractive man responds quickly, we are happy; when he withdraws, we are sad; when he responds again, we are happy. Your emotions become influenced by a stranger on an app, and this can soon translate into your reality.
"Trying to make an ex jealous is like drinking poison and hoping they feel the effects—it's a form of self-abuse that only erodes your own peace, while they remain unaffected by the chaos you create."
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INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT
When affection and validation are given inconsistently (hot and cold behaviors), it mirrors the unpredictability of gambling, making people crave and chase the next “high” of love and validation. Similar to the adrenaline high, in this case, you’re hoping that you can win like you have in the past. We tend to chase the beginning of our relationships at the end of our relationships, which is a sure sign that the relationship is coming to a close.
EGO AND VALIDATION
This is the most common reason people find themselves engrossed in toxic relationships—no one wants to feel like they are not good enough. Some individuals believe they can fix or change their toxic partner, leading to a cycle of seeking approval and validation, even at the cost of their well-being and sacrificing their platonic relationships.
HOW TO BE YOUR PARTNER IN SELF-LOVE AND SOULFUL CONNECTIONS
If you want to thrive as a single woman, you need to be able to spot the aforementioned signs that something is going on internally and that you need to heal. We live in the age of social media, where the first thing many women do is take to their accounts to blast their exes, as seen recently with Matt Barnes and his fiancée, Anansa Sims, and another young lady who says she is now going to book a tropical vacation after discovering her boyfriend was cheating on her with his ex.
Here’s the thing: lacking self-love will always land you in situations where, even as the walls are caving in, you are still prioritizing the person who betrayed you—so much so that you’re going on a vacation to spite them or blasting them online, knowing this will only embarrass you and bring you more heartache when those women retaliate. When you allow the actions of someone else to cause your heart to race or your palms to sweat, you are forfeiting self-love and aiding them in their mission of breaking you down and feeding off you energetically.
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To be your own partner in self-love, you need to identify your triggers, understand your attachment style, and learn how to be selfish! Identifying your triggers means you will take stock of a person’s history in their past relationships and determine early on if that person is good enough for you.
A good example of this is deciding against dating a man who has just welcomed a child with another woman—especially if that woman is not interested in having a relationship with him. If a woman gives birth to a man’s child—aka lays her life on the line to bring forth new life—and she deliberately chooses to raise her child alone, that is enough evidence for you to decide that person is not for you.
Do not engage, as history oftentimes repeats itself. Knowing your attachment style will help you weed out the partners who are incompatible with you. Of course, things like zodiac signs and compatibility will never cease to intrigue minds and spark curiosity, but the truth is, this is never enough. Place their sun sign on the back burner and get to know their attachment styles first. The young lady mentioned above has an anxious attachment style, as does Carrie Bradshaw.
Their partners seem to have avoidant attachment styles—commitment issues and a persistent tendency to avoid emotional intimacy. Because these styles are polar opposites, we see things playing out as they are. Women who love themselves and seek to develop an internal, soulful connection outside of a partner are never going to allow someone into their life who does not complement their lifestyle. If you don’t like the quiet man who isn’t going to cheat and would rather stay home playing video games all day, then you may lack real self-love and could even be capable of self-harm.
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You are okay with allowing others to come into your life and tear you down until you start to wither away, growing bitter in the process. If you are incapable of leading a happy and secure life, you should not be looking for a relationship. Instead, you should focus on finding a quality therapist who can assist you in working through your trauma rather than avoiding it.
Take yourself on long walks.
Treat yourself to a solo date (museum visit, dinner alone by candlelight overlooking the city skyline).
Buy yourself fresh flowers.
Invest in a luxurious bottle of perfume.
Prioritize your appearance.
Take care of yourself…
by Danielle Wright
