Open Relationship Rules & Attachment Styles

By now, we’ve heard the story of Ayesha Howard and Anthony Edwards—he’s a famous basketball player, she’s the first baby mother to rapper Lil Baby—and how she’s trying her hardest to get him to be involved in his newborn daughter’s life and pay child support. Well, rumor has it that he’s opted to pay the full 18 years of child support upfront (a lump sum) and is asking to waive his parental rights entirely.

Not only did this story stand out to me, but I also had the pleasure of reading a book called Green Trees by Lisa K. Stephenson on Kindle. Although that book took place in the 1950s and this Ayesha situation is happening today, shockingly, it seems not much has changed when it comes to the relationship dynamics between women and their traditional male partners. Men with money or traditional providers are almost always expected to cheat, and women are expected to conform to being in an open relationship if they wish to be provided for and taken care of by their significant other.

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You see, Ayesha Howard decided to share a video on social media where she seemingly admitted to being in the position she’s in—not once, but twice now—due to her beauty and options. In other words, she’s attracting men with means due to her looks and choosing them to be the fathers of her children, but accepting the fact that they will not be one-woman men. She is okay with this because these are the men available to her, versus the average woman who is closer in proximity to men who are destitute, uneducated, or forced into monogamy due to their social class.

All of this really had me wondering: are there rules to being in an open relationship—and if so, what are they? Over the years, many celebrities have stated that they are in open relationships or have tried it at some point in their relationship or marriage, and it just did not work out. Shamari and husband Ronnie DeVoe, Mo’Nique and husband Sidney Hicks, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, as well as Teyana Taylor and ex-husband Iman Shumpert—all of these individuals have openly admitted to being in open marriages. While some decided to end their relationships entirely, others chose to remove the third party and keep things traditional.

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But what seems to be a common thread here is that wealthy men and women are more likely to open their relationships compared to non-wealthy men and women. In the book Green Trees, Vernette is married to a man named Peter, who is the sole breadwinner in their marriage. However, once he realizes she may not be able to give him children, he steps out on their marriage and even has the audacity to bring his mistress to stay with them—under the guise that she is there to help Vernette look after her pregnant younger sister, Veronica.

But even after all of this is revealed to Vernette, she stays with him—and not only that, she relocates with him to start a whole new life elsewhere! But how? Why? How can a woman knowingly stay with a man, knowing that he once touched another woman the way he touched you—the way he kissed you, the way he caressed you? Giving another woman that level of attention and intimacy is deliberate and could be the reason why many relationships do not last once they are open.

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There are four different attachment styles: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment. More often than not, partners who are complicit in an open relationship will include one person with a secure attachment and another with either disorganized or anxious attachment. A person with a secure attachment style will likely be the one to pitch the topic of opening the relationship/poly dynamic because they do not have a fear of abandonment and usually have high self-esteem—or an inflated sense of self.

This could have developed over time as they began to devalue or deprioritize emotional connections and emotional availability. Singer Ne-Yo may be a good example of this today. He is actively in a relationship with multiple women, whom he sees and engages with regularly as a group, versus individually. This is different from someone like Nick Cannon, who also has multiple partners—but they are separate relationships, rather than one polyamorous dynamic.

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A man or woman with this inflated sense of self does not see their partners as individuals, but rather as objects to conquer—only focused on self-gratification and valuing things outside of genuine human connection. This makes dating someone with an anxious attachment style easier to manipulate and control. However, open relationships have rules that someone with this attachment style will not be able to abide by for too long. Jealousy is a huge factor when considering an open relationship, and someone with an anxious attachment style will exhibit a lot of jealousy, which may lead to arguments and feelings of unworthiness.

They are also more likely to have difficulty trusting others, being alone, and become highly sensitive to criticism. We see this almost all the time in women who "monkey swing" from one relationship to the next. They have a strong fear of abandonment and need constant validation from a partner. But these people are usually okay with moving on—it may take a while, but they can leave. Think Summer Walker or Jennifer Lopez, for example.

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A person with a disorganized attachment style is the perfect candidate for an open relationship. This person fears rejection, has high levels of anxiety, exhibits contradictory behaviors, and shows signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. They are good at convincing themselves that they are happy and will accept the conditions and/or rules placed on them for the longevity of the relationship out of fear of being rejected—or not chosen in the end. Someone with a secure attachment style will have a field day with this type of person and can convince them of just about anything. These people are usually those who heavily abuse substances or engage in constant turmoil or confrontation. An example of this type of dynamic would be Blueface and Chrisean Rock.

So, what are open relationship rules? Well, based on my observations, traditional, affluent men can cheat without facing any real repercussions, and this type of cheating often comes disguised as polygamy or open relationships, where there is typically an anchor partner involved. Attachment styles play a huge role in the type of women or men we see participating in these relationships. It’s a running joke that people in polygamous relationships tend to look downcast and are conventionally less attractive compared to those who refuse to participate in such dynamics.

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So, while a man may successfully convince a woman to take part in this arrangement, she may not be his physical type—more like a rest stop or placeholder until he gets that phase out of his system and begins the search for his wife, the person he will be monogamous with. You may ask, “Well, Riley, why do athletes get married just to cheat?” Successful men do not get married to be monogamous; they get married for status. It’s a social boost to be married—having a wife at home to birth and raise the kids. But nothing about that means they have to be faithful.

The rules here are simple: if you want a traditional man who will provide 100%, then you need to be in tune with your attachment style well enough to know if it’s something you can handle when he inevitably decides to cheat. Otherwise, don’t engage—you will get your heart broken. If it is something you can handle, don’t get jealous, always play your position, don’t ask too many questions, and don’t expect to be shown an ounce of sympathy if you one day decide that you no longer like the dynamics of your relationship. Before you start asking that man to change, start preparing yourself to leave.

by Riley Cook