How to Reset After a Breakup

So, you just got out of a relationship and you’re wondering, “What now?” Even if it wasn’t a full-fledged relationship—because let’s face it, nowadays, the end of a situationship often hurts more than that of a long-term relationship. But why is that? When a situationship ends, it’s usually abrupt. What causes one person to hurt longer than the other is often the lingering thought of ‘what could have been.’

As women, we sometimes believe that if we had changed our tone, our look, or even our personality, we could have ‘won’ the prize at the situationship fair. But here’s the truth: A person who doesn’t want to commit is not a prize. Men who do not value their time, health, or resources are not masculine men and should always be overlooked in the dating pool. Giving this type of man even a moment of your time signals to him that you may have low self-esteem or lack options. If his indecisiveness and lack of effort are the best you believe you can do, then perhaps there is some truth to that—but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Breakups are not the end of the world, even though it may feel that way due to science and external factors—like hearing certain songs on the radio or seeing tarot readings on social media claiming, “He’s coming back, babe!” Those are distractions, and they often do more harm than good. Instead, remind yourself of this simple fact: He didn’t choose you; you chose him. And if you chose someone once, you can choose someone else.

For women, the problem isn’t a lack of options—it’s that we often don’t want the people who want us. This phenomenon boils down to human psychology, and it’s something worth reflecting on as you move forward.

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As we all know, we value the things we have to earn—whether it’s money or people. A simple example is someone who wants a Gucci bag for their birthday but works a minimum-wage job. They will spend countless hours at work, saving diligently over a specific period to reward themselves with the purchase. The result? A rush of dopamine and a sense of accomplishment. Similarly, when affection or attention isn’t readily available, the anticipation and effort required to attain it can activate the brain’s reward system.

When we say social media has ruined the perception of relationships, what we mean is that social media has made the unattainable more attainable—and, as a result, women are no longer elusive. The thrill that used to come with pursuing a woman has diminished. This is why dating apps are often ineffective unless you’re a woman operating from a place of masculine energy. Feminine women may struggle more on dating apps because the men there often position themselves to be pursued, effectively becoming elusive.

It’s like a fisherman placing his boat in the middle of the river, with fish swimming toward him without needing bait or a fishing line. As of 2024, there’s little distinction between meeting someone on Instagram versus a dating app. The principle remains the same: these platforms make people more accessible. This accessibility also explains why married men can cheat so easily. Women may gravitate toward them due to the psychology of desire—the “I want what I cannot have” effect. Unfortunately, when someone becomes too nice or readily available, their partner may lose interest. This isn’t because the nice person is unworthy, but because they lack the allure of challenge.

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Relationships end for a plethora of reasons, but one thing is certain: one of you made the wrong choice. Unconscious patterns can lead us toward partners who replicate familiar (and often unhealthy) emotional dynamics from childhood, even if those relationships are unbalanced. Perhaps you ignored the “nice guy” or “nice girl” because you didn’t truly connect with them. By connect, we mean they were emotionally available, and you were not.

A relationship reset requires internal work, and that often involves taking a trip down memory lane. Reflect on who from your past you rejected and why. Perhaps you dated someone who wanted to spend all their time with you, was ready to settle down after just three dates, and couldn’t wait to introduce you to their family after a month. This might have caused you to get cold feet and run for the hills. You may have rationalized it by saying things like, “He was moving too fast” or “He’s a really nice guy, but…”

The reality is, you may have been the problem—and that’s okay. Admitting it is the first step to recovery. The first rule of a relationship reset is to hold yourself accountable for any mistakes or poor decisions you’ve made.

Work through feelings of unworthiness, if they exist. Maybe someone from your past teased you about something that later became a source of insecurity. Process that trauma and use the experience to reassess your values. What do you truly believe in? What matters to you in a relationship—whether that’s a relationship with yourself or with someone else?

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The “no contact” rule is widely popular and often encouraged, but the problem lies in its all-or-nothing approach. Originally, this concept was primarily centered around winning a partner back. However, we’ve introduced a more balanced approach: The Relationship Reset Rule—a bridge between maintaining no contact and fostering genuine healing.

True healing cannot occur if, deep down, you’re secretly hoping they’ll return or if you’re counting down the days—30, 60, or 90—until you can reach out. Almost always, the same issues that ended the relationship will resurface, leading to further hurt and resentment.

Ask yourself: Do you want to be the person who clings to the past, or do you want to be the one who moves forward with grace? Becoming the “needy guy” or “needy girl” who cannot let go will only stunt your growth and hinder your emotional development.

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Here are some breakup tips to guide you through your healing journey:

• Do not put a clock on your healing process

• Do not reach out to your ex.

• Journal your emotions daily.

• Reach out for support if needed. Contact us here if you need to vent or share your thoughts.

• Focus on yourself. Create new hobbies, explore new places, and prioritize solo dates. Solo dating builds confidence and helps you center yourself without worrying about others' opinions.

• Don’t let others influence your emotions. Remember the times when you waited anxiously for a text or let your mood hinge on someone’s response? Or when you would place your phone on DND in case they did text back and you didn’t want to respond back quickly? Or that time they didn’t call or text you and your whole mood changed and you no longer felt like you could enjoy whatever it is you were doing at the time? Exactly. Resetting your emotions and reframing how you respond and react to negative occurrences are crucial during this time.

Remember: There’s no set time limit for a relationship reset. Check in with yourself daily and monitor your progress. If you’d like, leave us a note sharing how you feel—we’re here to support you every step of the way.

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson