How to Overcome Doubts in a Relationship

You’re on one side of the couch, and she’s on the other. The food has grown cold, and soon it will be too rotten to eat. The television mumbles, filling the silence. The air feels like a whip, waiting to crack. You can’t tell her what’s bothering you because you’re not exactly sure yourself. Was it because she forgot to text you when she left for work? Or maybe she hasn’t been as enthusiastic in the past few days as you would have liked. You don’t look over at her. You go to bed in silence. In the dark, the question forms itself like a monster in an old black-and-white flick—slowly and silently: Are we over?

Every relationship profits, benefits, and grows from setting reasonable expectations. It’s not unreasonable to want to feel happy or, at the very least, content with your partner. Everybody wants the world handed to them—they want it fast, easy, and simple. They don’t want to have to work. But it’s irrational to think that a relationship can evolve into something healthy and fulfilling while stuck at an emotional standstill.

The work needs to be done. If a rock cannot move, erosion begins. Similarly, if you run from even the prospect of difficulties—if you insist on maintaining the dream of an easy relationship—you are doing more damage than you realize. You’re steering your relationship toward a dead end where it cannot prosper. Worries about the future of a relationship, especially one that is fresh and enjoyable, are completely normal. However, how you respond to these worries reflects the likely course of the relationship. Everyone reacts differently, shaped by how they were raised and what relationships have looked like in their past.

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Displaying overbearing, clingy behavior to reassure yourself is just as damaging as choosing not to share your feelings at all. There has to be balance in how you react. This doesn’t mean you need to perfectly articulate what you’re feeling—sometimes, you may not even fully understand it. But practice makes perfect. The more you engage in expressing yourself, the easier and smoother it becomes over time. Like everything, this is far easier said than done.

There is a common belief that speaking your worries out loud makes them true. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Holding your worries inside only gives them more power. Explaining your feelings can feel like jumping into a cold swimming pool or turning a dark corner. If you put worry on a pedestal, you might as well give it a crown to wear.

Yes, it’s scary. It’s difficult. It can even be painful. But you don’t need to worship fear. If your worries are leeching, gnawing, and scratching at your heart, begin by questioning yourself. Why are you stranding yourself on this island alone? Why are you holding that shovel? What makes you think you deserve this? Look at yourself, deeply, where you are softest. Ask: What is it that I’m afraid of? Take the time to let the answer come to you. Sit with it.

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Maybe you feel like you’re not enough, as though your partner deserves more. Maybe someone told you this once. But remember—they’re not in the room with you. You only have to listen to yourself. You are in control. Or perhaps you can’t imagine a future without your partner, and the thought of their absence—or returning to the life you lived before meeting them—frightens you. You used to be so quiet, and now look at you. You don’t want to lose their presence. It’s too valuable.

by Jasmine Ledesma