How Generational Trauma Affects Romantic Relationships

Many of us have heard of generational wealth, but what isn’t discussed enough are generational trauma and generational grace—the understanding of both are essential to attaining wealth that can be passed down to your children’s children.

It’s no secret that there is a wage disparity around the world. While some may believe this disparity is unintentional, the truth is, it’s deliberate. Gatekeepers exist in every area of our lives: bosses, leaders, presidents, dictators, rulers—whatever the title, their role is to ensure that there is a working class and a destitute population to fund the lives of those who are well-off and born into wealth.

How does this work exactly? Pooling. For example, 700 people spending $1 on a product is far more lucrative to a business than having one person buy a single product for $700. This is because those 700 people can tell three others, multiplying revenue exponentially to over a million dollars, compared to the $2,100 generated from one high-ticket customer and their three friends.

Data reveals that 38% of Black or African Americans live in poverty in the United States, making them less likely to pass on generational wealth and more likely to inherit generational trauma. Trauma can be closely tied to finances, as both have a cause-and-consequence relationship. Financial instability or poverty creates chronic stress, exposing individuals and families to conditions that can lead to or worsen trauma.

Generational trauma often begins with a significant traumatic experience, such as systemic oppression, abuse, or extreme poverty. This trauma is then passed down through emotional responses, parenting styles, communication patterns, and even biological mechanisms, such as changes in stress-related genes due to epigenetics. This cycle can lead to dysfunctional behaviors, including substance abuse, domestic violence, or emotional unavailability, as unhealthy coping mechanisms are modeled and repeated.

In many predominantly Black neighborhoods in the United States, three things are readily accessible: unhealthy fast food (e.g., Chinese takeout or Popeyes), liquor stores, and places to play the lottery. The trauma of residing in these neighborhoods becomes embedded in cultural narratives, affecting group identity and collective healing efforts.

One major issue African Americans face is the inability to pool their finances to generate ideas that could create generational wealth. It’s all too common for a Black American who comes into wealth to seek to "purify" their bloodline by dating and procreating outside of their race, as well as relocating to different communities, thereby cycling their resources elsewhere. This behavior only further widens the wealth gap within their own communities.

So, how does generational trauma affect romantic relationships? There is a psychological impact that comes with financial scarcity, including chronic stress, shame, stigma, and family strain. The constant worry about making ends meet triggers the body’s stress response, which, over time, can lead to anxiety, depression, and PTSD-like symptoms.

In many cases, when we hear about relationships ending or men saying mean and hurtful things to their partners and wives, it’s often not anger at the partner, but rather their ego defending itself using the only tool it has, given the lack of resources.

“The ideas and self-talk inside his mind are not likely something he notices or something he’s going to tackle head-on without some amount of intentional learning about himself,” says Dr. Lance Thompson, LMFT. “Most men who have anger issues learned that anger, either from their parents or caregivers or through their peers, as a reaction to a lack of resources. When a man is born into this world, society tells him that he must find a good job, have a family, and protect and provide for them. This ideology gets lost for many along the way into adulthood because, while it may sound simple, coming into wealth to fulfill your duties as a man is far easier said than done.”

The question of “What do I do?” will also be difficult to answer, depending on how men view their self-worth and their ability to be vulnerable. Most men who are victims of generational trauma are unaware of their trauma and instead latch on to things they can relate to, whether it’s music or activities that resonate with their upbringing.

There’s often no incentive to go outside the grain or think beyond the box when the box you’re born and raised in seems to have yielded satisfactory results for the generation before you. Ego often won’t allow such men to aim for something better or higher. This mindset negatively affects relationships within marginalized communities, as women are frequently left to parent children alone, perpetuating an endless cycle of poverty.

Fast forward to 2024, and men have grown resentful toward women now that social media has exposed just how lucrative and rewarding it can be to be a woman in today’s society. For instance, OnlyFans models can earn $43 million in a year, while men still have to pound the pavement to earn a paycheck. This has led some men to view women with malice, while women, in turn, judge men who rely on their wives or mothers for financial support without contributing much themselves.

Most women are taught from an early age to be independent and self-sufficient, whereas many men in these communities are conditioned to accept mediocrity—or even below-average effort—in various areas of life. This is particularly common among men raised in single-parent households, where mothers, as natural nurturers, may struggle to discipline their sons effectively. This lack of discipline can later result in these men berating women for accessing resources and opportunities that they feel are otherwise unattainable for themselves.

The only way to properly handle a man with generational trauma, unfortunately, is to leave him if he lacks self-awareness and has no intention of becoming a quality partner. Men who speak down to you, are jealous of you, mistreat you, or show any signs of being abusive are immediate red flags, and you should seek companionship elsewhere.

It appears to be all by design to eradicate the Black man. Black women now have access to grants for their businesses, are rapidly earning degrees, and are outpacing men in the job market. Meanwhile, White women are often presented to wealthy Black men, having children with them, and then, in many cases, leaving them and taking half their earnings.

At the same time, there’s an ongoing debate within the Black community about 50/50 relationships. If Black women increasingly leave Black men for more established men in other demographics, and White women are taught to pursue wealthy Black men only to leave them financially drained or without a career when the relationship ends, where does this leave Black men? The fear is setting in and weighing heavily on them, which explains the constant online discourse and the hatred spewed toward Black women.

While romantic relationships in every community can be affected by generational trauma, most trauma begins with a lack of resources. The only solution now is to educate others and begin putting plans into motion to address and rectify these issues.

by Danielle Wright & Dr. Lance Thompson, LMFT