Divorce Advice for Men: Navigating the Journey With Confidence

In 2015, researcher Michael Rosenfeld published a paper with the American Sociological Association where he addressed the question, “Why are women more likely to initiate divorces, but not non-marital breakups?”

His research led him to discover that married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men. In contrast, women and men in non-marital relationships reported equal levels of relationship quality. He also mentioned that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable. “I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality,” Rosenfeld said.

“Wives still take their husbands’ surnames and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women’s expectations for gender equality.”

Related articles: Fresh Start and Faith: When God Leads You to Divorce
Related articles: Do Men Leave Their Wives When They Get Sick? 

Navigating divorce for men can vastly differ from that of women—with 70% of women saying they will never remarry, while the opposite is true for divorced men. In most cases, a man will remarry given the benefits he reaps from the union. If the labor of marriage were split equally, would women be more likely to initiate a divorce? The answer is probably no. So, are men who marry ready for marriage in the first place? When we think of marriage, we think of two people coming together to share a home and a life together—raising children, traveling, etc.

But we also have to take into account the importance of providing. Men are expected to work and provide for their families while women are expected to raise the children and take on the bulk of the housework. However, if you’ve ever lived on your own, you would know how tiring it can be to work all day, come home to fix a meal, and then clean. Weekends are reserved for deep cleaning, laundry, and maybe hanging out with friends and/or loved ones.

Related articles: How to Get Your Husband Back After He Leaves You For Another Woman
Related articles: 7 Reasons To Break Off An Engagement

As a married man or woman, that routine changes drastically; now you’re either simply going to work and coming home, or, for the woman, you’re home all day but cooking and cleaning profusely. Which would you prefer? We hear some men say that having children with a partner is less of a commitment than being married to them—in other words, having a family rely on you is the commitment, not the marriage itself, which, in some essence, is true.

A baby mother is not reliant on her baby father because they are not married, and thus, he feels no obligation, guilt, or confinement to the relationship. He can maneuver freely, whereas the married man cannot. But like everything in life, there is an opportunity cost. Opportunity cost in economics is the potential forgone profit from a missed opportunity—the result of choosing one alternative over another. Choosing to get married and have children means forgoing the opportunity to return home from work with no obligation to anyone but yourself.

Related articles: Stop Saying Marriage Is Just a Piece of Paper!
Related articles: How to Move On From the Mother of Your Child

Consequently, most men will enter marriage from the point of view that their evenings are free. Now that the wife has entered the picture, he can relax, prop his feet up, watch the game, or play a video game without worrying about how the children will eat, how the home will be cleaned, or who is going to prepare his meals. Logically speaking, this makes sense: you’ve traded the single life, where you’re solely responsible for all of this, for the married life, where you believe you should now be exempt from these things—money, aka providing, is enough. The reality is, however, while work may end for you at 5 pm, work for your wife is 24 hours. Think about it... 

Related articles: Is Dating a Man With a Child Worth it?
Related articles: What to Do When Your Ex Moves On

YOU:

• Up at 6 am;

• Get ready for work;

• Leave for work;

• At work until 5 pm;

• Get home – the house is cleaned, dinner is prepared, and the children are at the table doing their homework that mom is helping with;

• Watch TV;

• Nighttime routine, maybe some sex.

HER:

• Up at 6 am;

• Pack breakfast and lunch for husband;

• Wake the children to get them ready for school;

• Perhaps a small workout;

• Shower and morning skincare routine;

• Get the children off to school;

• Return home to clean up after breakfast and prepare herself lunch;

• Laundry or errands;

• Pick the kids up from school;

• Prepare a snack;

• Clean;

• Prepare dinner;

• Clean;

• Help kids with their homework;

• Watch a movie, hang out;

• Clean;

• Begin the wind-down process – kids preparing for bed;

• Bathtime and brushing teeth;

• Clean;

• Kids are down for bed;

• Mom has to shower, do her hair and skincare routine;

• Maybe wants to read, but husband wants to have sex.

Related articles: How to Deal With Entitled Stepchildren

I think you can see the difference. Yes, work can be mentally or physically exhausting, but so can running a household full-time. When you write it down and take a long look at who is responsible for what, it becomes clear that both parties are being drained in some way or another.

While divorce is never easy, it is necessary to take a look at the how: how did we get here and seek to understand the behavior so as not to repeat it. As mentioned earlier, men are more likely to remarry, and if you don’t want to be divorced three times, then it’s best to understand how you contributed to your wife being pushed to the place where she would rather be alone than married to you.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP
Divorce can be challenging. Professional support, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and develop coping strategies. Schedule regular sessions with a therapist specializing in divorce or men’s issues. Consider joining a support group for divorced men to share experiences and gain insights. You have to remain open-minded during this process.

As a licensed therapist for the past twenty-two years, I can say one of the biggest downsides for men during divorce is self-sabotage. Choosing to stay stuck in your ways and refusing to grow will be your downfall, not only with your wife but with your children as well. Most men die alone because they refuse to acknowledge the role they played in the deterioration of their relationships.

Related articles: Distancing Yourself From Stepchildren
Related articles: Why Men Don't Want to Get Married Anymore 

PRIORITIZE LEGAL ADVICE
Understanding your legal rights and obligations during the divorce process ensures a fair settlement. Be sure to hire a reputable attorney who can guide you through the legal complexities, represent your interests, and help you understand the implications of various decisions. Prenuptial agreements are vital and often overlooked because many men do not see themselves as wealthy enough to need one.

This is untrue. While you are married, you are a team—remember opportunity cost? A wife can argue that you got that big promotion at work because she was at home raising the kids 24/7. You will then be legally obligated to pay her alimony on top of child support if she requires it. All of this from a divorce you didn’t even want. Get a prenup.

Related articles: What Is A Relationship Coach

MAINTAIN OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CHILDREN
This is a big one! Divorce can be tough on children, so maintaining open, honest, and age-appropriate communication can help them feel secure and understood. Spend quality time with your kids, reassure them that the divorce is not their fault, and keep them informed about changes in their living arrangements or routines. Encourage them to express their feelings and listen attentively. What you think kids don’t remember, they do. They may not always have cohesive memories, but they recall bits and pieces.

If you and their mom argued a lot, they will remember. If you bring women in and out of their lives, they will remember. It’s also best to refrain from dating or being with other women who have children, which may result in family blending. Sometimes, women don't understand why men with children often prefer to date women without children. This could very well be the reason. Having to split up a blended family that you’ve pressured both sides to get on board with can have long-term ramifications on the children.

Related articles: Signs He Will Never Change
Related articles: Will I Ever Get Married? 

TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH
Stress and emotional turmoil can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being. Prioritizing self-care helps you stay strong and resilient during this challenging time. Maintain a regular exercise routine, eat a balanced diet, get adequate sleep, and practice stress reduction techniques like meditation or yoga. Avoid using excessive alcohol or substances as coping mechanisms.

One of the biggest mistakes men make while going through a divorce is to rebound with another woman immediately after or during their separation period. This is the worst thing you can do. Not only is it costly to maintain a new relationship, but you’re still unsure of the financial pressures you'll face within your current marriage/divorce proceedings. Have willpower and abstain from sex for as long as you can; this will help you maintain a clear mind and articulate yourself well during the hearings. You will not be emotionally charged.

Related articles: The Truth About "Shut-Up Rings": Are They Really a Red Flag?
Related articles: Dating Someone With a Kid

PLAN FOR YOUR FINANCIAL FUTURE
An episode of ' 90 Day Fiancé ' shows a man who traveled to Thailand to marry a woman. In Thailand, she tells him that he must make a monetary offer to her family before her father will approve their marriage. The man says he is unsure if he can do that because he just went through a divorce and his ex-wife took everything, which means he’s having to rebuild himself from scratch. The Thai woman replied, “You are 48 and have nothing! So, you are poor! I don’t want to hear about your past; I don’t care about your past. If you cannot take care of me, then it’s bye!”

A divorce can significantly impact your financial situation, which is why planning for your financial future ensures stability and helps you manage post-divorce expenses effectively. Create a budget and track your income and expenses. Review your financial assets, debts, and credit report. Consider consulting a financial advisor to help you navigate asset division, alimony, child support, and future financial planning. This is also where a prenup could come in handy because you can specify an amount that your wife will be paid in the event of a divorce initiated by her. There is no grey area.

By following this information, you can navigate the complexities of divorce more effectively.

by Dr. Jeffrey House, LMFT & Danielle Wright