Dear Danielle: Is He Using Me for Money?

Welcome to Ask She's SINGLE, where we dive deep to give you answers to your most pressing questions...

“Dear Danielle,
Please keep me anonymous. I have been dating this guy for over 6 months and I like him. My problem is, he often asks me for money—sometimes it’s $10 here or $40 there. At first, I didn’t mind, I thought maybe if he trusts me this much to ask me for something as sensitive as money, maybe we’ll be together. But recently he asked me out and the bill came to like $145, he then said he left his wallet at home and asked me to pay, and he would pay me back when he gets his check. I’m feeling pretty discouraged, plus when I mention the relationship thing he kind of brushes it off… Any advice is much appreciated.”

Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for your question. I would like to answer in two parts—he genuinely does not have money and is a work in progress vs. he is just using you for money, and in some cases, sex.

When it comes to dating things can get tricky and lines can become blurred as we’re just looking for the right person for us. In such cases, we tend to overlook red flags, in the beginning, hoping for some change or believing it to not be a big enough deal to end things indefinitely. If you’ve just started seeing someone chances are you’re interested in being courted—this means dates, quality time, and of course consistent communication.

For a relationship to grow both parties should be on the same page with their intentions. Most of the time if a man is genuinely struggling with his finances, he will NOT be looking to date anyone. This is a fact. Most men in bad predicaments will likely lean on someone from his past who does not have high expectations of him – an ex-girlfriend, a baby momma, or even a female friend. This means he will not be expected to court her because in his mind she’s already around and available with no additional stress.

So, what if he’s on the prowl but asking you for money? Beware of men like this because 9/10 they’ve played this game with someone before you and were successful, until he wasn’t, hence why you are now in the picture. It always starts small, a little loan here and there. One time, I started seeing this guy and two weeks after us texting he asked me for $50 to pay a college application fee. Of course, I said no. But the requests never stopped and eventually, I learned he is a scammer and was just using me for money. So why would a man do this?

YOU HAVE SUGAR MOMMA VIBES - Typically, men like this will seek women in high-earning careers or simply a woman who appears well-connected and who is very good at her job. If you’re successful and he is not, chances are, he’s going to use you for money.

NOT YET GOING DUTCH - In the beginning, maybe on the first date, he will pay for things. Men do this because the goal is to gain your interest. Once he feels you are interested, he can drop the act. It can go as far as him borrowing from his friends and family to finance your new relationship until you finally give in and he has you hooked.

LAVISH AND EXPENSIVE - Watch out for the men who like to suggest high-end restaurants after they’ve already made it a habit of asking you for money. I had this happen to me once, he was asking me for money, I loaned him sometimes and then he would go as far as to suggest we go dine at a very expensive restaurant. I became hesitant about this, you should, too. He will no doubt let you foot the bill.

FINANCE TROUBLE - It’s hard to know whether or not a man is having financial problems or if his credit score is low. The best way to test this is to listen for the “When I get paid…” If he’s living paycheck to paycheck with no savings or no budget for dating, then he is not ready for a relationship. He will be comfortable asking you for money to hold him over until he gets paid. And when that happens, he is not going to spend his money on you, he is going to hang out with his friends, get drunk and leave you behind. Well, until he’s broke again, then it's time to sneak back into your good graces.

ASKING - Any man asking a woman he’s dating for a loan is a sign that he views you as a cash machine and nothing more! When this happens, you can start by opening a dialogue to ask him about his finances and how things are going. Sometimes there’s a pretty good reason (i.e. he’s paying child support, fighting a court case, saving to move, or taking care of his child/children). Either way, you want answers and if you find his reasons to be good enough then be open to less extravagant dates.

You can rent a movie from redbox.com. Otherwise, end the relationship and find someone else who is on your level and not trying to use you. If you allow this to continue you will no doubt be taken advantage of, led on, and heartbroken when he gets tired of you and moves on to someone else.

He could also be saving for when he finds the person he truly wants. No man that is truly interested in a woman and building a future with her will make her feel uncomfortable by asking her for money. He is using you and you can do better.

by Danielle Wright