Dealing with Jealousy in a Relationship

DOES JEALOUSY COME FROM LOVE?
It’s a concept that has been assumed for years. We hear countless love songs about how jealousy is used to prove the validity of love. It makes for a good romantic story, and we, as a society, fall head over heels for it. However, according to Karen Doll, Psy.D., L.P., "Jealousy is an emotion that very commonly creates discord and strife in romantic relationships. While the impact this emotion has on a relationship can vary, it’s usually damaging and generally leads to some level of disconnection."

When our partner shows signs of jealousy, the initial reaction is often, “Aw! Someone cares about me so much that they’re afraid of losing me.” Human beings crave connection, and it’s nice to feel wanted, adored, and seen. This is why we reward those cute jealous pouts with kisses and hugs.

However, jealousy comes with risks. In relationships, it can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope over rushing rapids—unsteady and nerve-wracking. In a matter of seconds, jealousy can transform from cute pouts to angry outbursts. All too often, we see couples who let jealousy get the best of them, completely obliterating their relationship. How does that align with love?

REASONS FOR JEALOUSY IN RELATIONSHIPS
According to numerous therapists and couples’ counselors, the root cause of jealousy is often a lack of self-love. Although your partner's actions may seem directed toward you, in reality, they have nothing to do with you.

“Jealousy is an inside job,” says Audrey Hope, an award-winning certified addiction and trauma therapist based in California. “At the root, it is about insecurity and imbalance. A fear of abandonment or the belief that your partner is interested in someone else stems from not knowing your self-worth.”

Jealousy originates from feelings of being unloved or unwanted. When a jealous partner feels like you’re triggering unresolved emotions, their initial response is to blame you and try to control the situation. They don’t understand how to take responsibility for their emotions. Countless couples struggle to recognize this pattern.

When we see the facts clearly, it becomes undeniable that love and jealousy do not go hand in hand. There’s no way jealousy is a form of love, especially when it manifests in extreme ways. This means that the origins of jealousy are not what we’ve been led to believe.

JEALOUSY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS
There are various ways unhealthy jealousy can manifest. We usually notice signs at the beginning of a relationship, but when you're in the haze of love, they often go unnoticed. One day, it can feel like jealousy appeared out of nowhere, when in reality, the signs were there all along. So, what’s the tell-tale sign of unhealthy jealous patterns? Experts say to look out for a need to control.

Sam Nabil, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Naya Clinics, states that the concept of control is the most common sign of jealousy: “A jealous partner can try to consume their partner completely, to the point where their only interactions are with their partner. At its worst, jealousy can manifest as distrustful behavior and even physical or emotional abuse.”

Control and possessive behavior can take many forms. Signs include your partner wanting to know your whereabouts at all times or checking who you’re calling or texting. Another sign is when your partner makes you feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the relationship. This gives them the advantage of monopolizing your time, which is often their ultimate goal. Regardless of its origin, we now know that anything learned can be unlearned—as long as you’re willing to do the work.

TO STOP UNHEALTHY JEALOUS BEHAVIOR, YOU HAVE TO GO WITHIN
Katie Ziskind, a family therapist and founder of Wisdom Within Counseling in Niantic, CT, emphasizes the importance of getting help. “Unhealthy jealousy gets in the way of all conversations and prevents you from being happy and content. If you feel the level of jealousy is intense or unhealthy, seeking professional counseling can help you understand your triggers, outlets, and coping skills.”

Jealousy is not about a lack of love for our partner but a lack of love within ourselves. For couples to thrive and work through unhealthy jealousy, healing needs to occur. No matter how many times you assure your love and loyalty, a jealous person cannot move past their hurt feelings unless those feelings are addressed. For that to happen, they must be willing to confront the source of their pain.

This process is neither easy nor quick. Healing old stories and trauma is a deeply vulnerable experience, but it can also create a beautiful bond between you and your partner. Being jealous does not make you a bad person; it simply means there is pain that needs to be treated with care. The best part? If your partner wants the relationship to work, they will stand right by your side throughout the journey.

by Kimberly Delarosa