Dating Outside of Your Type
Have you ever heard someone say, “He looks just like your ex-boyfriend?” Chuckles—maybe you haven’t, but I sure have! Time and time again, my current suitor is compared physically to my last lover. Why do some women tend to date along the “type path?” In theory, when one relationship ends, it feels almost unnatural to deviate from men who fit our ideal type. Maybe it’s cultural background, skin tone, eyes, hair, or even teeth—there’s always something we look for as a foundation of familiarity.
Despite how the last relationship ended, we don’t completely stray from what we consider attractive or appealing. This makes the selection process easier when trying to move on and, as previously mentioned, get back into the dating scene. While some women tend to “type-cast,” others simply never leave. No matter how painful the memory, they cling to their last suitor, optimistic that the title of "boyfriend" will one day be restored. Rather than searching for a carbon-copy version of their ex, they refuse to walk away from the original.
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Do men subconsciously practice the same carbon-copy conduct? I say subconsciously because, let’s face it, we don’t intentionally seek out someone who strongly resembles our last suitor. This happens inadvertently—the heart craves what it craves. A familiar face creates comfort for an aching heart, tricking our limbic system into believing it’s being satisfied by the original when, in reality, it’s not.
Are we smarter than we think? Are we capable of manipulating our own minds into believing we’ve moved on, found new love, and started fresh? Perhaps. There may be similarities in physical features, but what about personality? In my personal experience, my “carbon-copy” suitor behaved far more like a gentleman than my ex. He displayed such exemplary character traits that even the slightest comparison to my ex would have been an insult. I dare not do such a thing.
Now, let’s transition to the next phase of this discussion: why women are caught in this never-ending cycle of heartbreak. The circle of heartbreak, as professionals call it. Many of us refuse to stray from our "type," and, as a result, we end up dating men with not only similar physical traits but also familiar personality characteristics. This temporarily puts our hearts at ease—but one wrong move, one wrong word, and suddenly, we’re back in that dark place we once escaped from.
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Maybe all men are not the same. Maybe we, as women, keep revisiting the past by allowing carbon copies into our lives. I challenge any woman who has experienced a painful breakup: do not seek to date a man who ideally fits your type. Any resemblance to your ex—physical or otherwise—should not be entertained as a potential mate. Instead, consider dating a man who is the complete opposite of your last relationship. Let’s be clear—men are not as simple-minded as some would assume. Sure, they are physical creatures, but they are also wise and intentional about companionship, particularly when making long-term decisions. In other words, most men do not practice carbon-copy conduct.
Have you ever wondered why a man’s new girlfriend often looks nothing like his ex? Physical features often take a backseat to how a woman treats him. More often than not, the new girlfriend is the polar opposite of the last one in terms of personality, emotional support, and relationship dynamics. Whether the relationship is lasting or temporary, this shift seems to work for them. Women, I challenge you to do the same.
You may be surprised by the results.
by Lisa K. Stephenson
