How Men Can Maintain Friendships While in a Relationship

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard the rumors about men preferring to spend time with their male friends rather than their girlfriends. As a marriage counselor for the past thirteen years, one of the most common complaints I’ve received—primarily from wives, occasionally from fiancées, and rarely from girlfriends—is that their partner would rather spend his free time playing video games, hanging out with friends, or even socializing with co-workers.

A young woman recently took to social media to share that, for Valentine’s Day last year, her boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to plan a nice date or even buy her a gift. Instead, he dismissed the occasion, saying, “It’s not a big deal. We can go out anytime.” However, for the Super Bowl earlier that month, he went out of his way to organize an exciting and well-thought-out event for himself and his friends. He grocery shopped for the occasion, thoroughly cleaned their home—a task he usually left for his partner—and even ordered matching game-day shirts for his group. Clearly, he put in effort, but should that effort have been redirected? Or could he have simply prioritized both Valentine’s Day and the Super Bowl?

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Many men enjoy spending time with their male friends because these friendships often provide a sense of camaraderie, shared interests, and emotional ease. Studies suggest that men engage in "shoulder-to-shoulder" bonding—activities like watching sports, playing video games, or working on projects—whereas romantic relationships often require more face-to-face emotional engagement, which can sometimes feel more demanding. A study published in the journal Men and Masculinities (2017) found that many men view their friendships as emotionally supportive and, in some cases, even more fulfilling than romantic relationships. So, if you’re one of these guys, listen up.

It's perfectly okay to feel emotionally safe around your friends. With the rise of relationship gurus like Shera Seven, who teach women to be cold-hearted and money-centered, it’s no wonder many men feel the need to step away and surround themselves with like-minded individuals—men who are facing similar experiences.

Men who are the sole providers for their households are often stressed and may choose to sequester themselves for a moment of peace and self-reflection. However, this is not always possible, as a partner will almost always require some level of affection or attention. I get it—relationships can be challenging, especially with some women who are needier than others. This is the moment when you need to assess whether or not your relationship is healthy.

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If you find yourself craving time outside of your relationship, it’s safe to say that you may be seeking purpose and a sense of achievement. Life can often feel like a hamster wheel—constantly moving without meaningful breaks. A 2022 Gallup survey on workplace engagement found that men often derive a significant portion of their identity and self-worth from their careers. Additionally, work environments can offer a reprieve from the emotional complexities of personal relationships, allowing men to focus on goal-setting and problem-solving.

To some women, this might make it seem like you prefer being "one of the guys," but in reality, the relationship may feel unfulfilling due to a lack of shared interests and common ground. Additionally, women can sometimes place high demands and expectations on their partners, leaving men feeling unappreciated and drained—yet unable to express their emotions for fear of being shamed. Next thing you know, you’re standing there looking dejected, and instead of asking if there’s anything they can do to help, your partner asks, “Is there someone else? You always look so unhappy.”

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Women have a fine line to navigate as well—they have to be a wife, not a mother, which can look different in every relationship. If a wife were to console her husband all day long, he would likely feel suffocated and bothered by it. So where do we draw the line? The solution is communication—clear, honest, and direct—but even before that, it’s about intention. Neither you nor your partner should lose your individuality once you become a couple, though this often happens.

Friend abandonment is real and can ruin many romantic relationships. You need to understand what your shared interests are with your partner and your friends and learn to accommodate them accordingly. If you’re a man who enjoys playing video games on Saturdays, you should seek a partner who (a) doesn’t mind watching you play, (b) will join in and play alongside you, or (c) has her own plans for the day. You don’t want to compromise your identity or put on a façade, only to reveal your true self after you’re committed. In cases like this, you are to blame and should hold yourself accountable.

Men often don’t ask themselves the tough questions: “What am I looking for in a woman outside of physical attraction? Does she need to have hobbies? Does she need to have friends? Does she need reliable transportation? Does she need a good career? Does she need to have a dark sense of humor?” These questions will help you make decisions more quickly and reduce your spending during the courting stage, as many of them can be answered within the first 24 hours of conversation. Think logically to avoid future disasters.

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Healthy relationships are those in which both partners can spend time with friends and family separately and engage in shared activities where both feel seen and heard. Many men take it upon themselves to plan only the activities they enjoy, justifying it by the fact that they’re paying. However, this is selfish and unnecessary if you follow the advice above. Women will catch on to this behavior and begin questioning why you never take her on dates, buy her flowers, or, as the woman mentioned earlier, do something special for her on Valentine’s Day.

When these questions arise, it’s a clear indicator that you were either deceptive toward your partner during the courting stage or have come to resent them over time. The only way to maintain your friendships while in a relationship is to first ensure that you seek a friend before a lover. The best relationships are built on friendships, and they typically last longer because common interests and boundaries are previously established. Your friendships outside of your relationship should not suffer just because you’ve found "the one."

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Do not bring your partner along when hanging out with friends. If you fear an argument with your partner for rejecting her request to join, she is the wrong person for you—she is too immature for a relationship. Guy time is just that—do not allow your romantic relationship to spill over into your platonic space.

That being said, your partner is also your friend, so she deserves the same amount of attention and effort you put into your male friendships. Can friendships survive love? Of course! When both you and your partner are honest, open-minded, independent of one another, and share common interests, you two embody the true definition of a power couple.

by Ivan Medina, LMHC & Lisa K. Stephenson