Are You Too Available? Stereotypes Single Women Must Ignore

Law 16 –  Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor

Dating has become The Hunger Games. The recent unfolding of Love & Hip Hop’s Nikki Mudarris and now ex-boyfriend LiAngelo Ball confirmed as much. But, of course, before them were many other couples in the public eye whom we’ve seen dissolve before our eyes. However, the question that has become even more popular is, “Why do couples often break up when they have a newborn baby?”

The question first started swirling—on a serious note at least—when DDG and Halle Bailey announced their split just months after welcoming their baby, Halo. After giving birth, many women experience increased emotional and physical needs, but this is largely due to hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and the demands of caring for a newborn rather than inherent “neediness”—which I will get to in a moment.

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The postpartum period brings significant changes, including a drop in estrogen and progesterone levels, which can contribute to mood swings, anxiety, and a stronger desire for emotional support. Men, on the other hand, do not experience any hormonal shifts other than having blood rush to their private area, signaling to them that they need a release. When or if this release does not take place, they can become grumpy or moody, often leaving women to feel like they have to perform out of obligation.

If this happens enough times, the woman will get fed up and, most of the time, begin planning her exit. She doesn’t want to feel like a human sex toy. Well, imagine the tables being turned—you’re a new mom asking for more support and for a man to spend more time with you, despite him wanting to engage in activities that do not involve you. If he expresses his lack of interest in spending time with you, you may act out, pout, or even become argumentative.

Men are not like women. While we may want to stay and drag things out, men will aim to leave for the sake of finding peace. What typically ends up happening is he will step out with the person who is immediately available to him—not someone new he’s had to court and pursue, but rather, a simple option. Someone who behaves as you did prior to having a baby or before you two became intimate. Does he love this new woman? No, she is a placeholder, and as soon as your hormones regulate and you no longer need him, he will look to return.

"I just want my family back."

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One of the stereotypes that single women need to ignore, as it pertains to the aforementioned, is that “single women are lonely and unfulfilled.” Being single does not mean being unhappy. Many single women lead rich, fulfilling lives filled with career success, friendships, and personal growth. For far too long, women have been conditioned to enter into relationships, have children young, and tolerate all of the things that come with being a “family”—even if this means a cheating spouse or partner. As you get older, you start to see the cracks in this foundation, and this is why single women are so heavily demonized.

If they can keep the rose-colored glasses on you during the earlier years of your life, then you’ll get pregnant and raise a baby, even if it means being a single parent, because that’s what “real women do.” The truth is, the average man will never sympathize with a single mother because the decision to have a child and raise that child despite not being married is a choice.

Another stereotype is that single women are too picky—choosing to wait for the right partner rather than settling is a sign of self-respect and high standards, not pickiness. The only people who will have a problem with these standards are the men who cannot meet them. Additionally, you are the author of your own life; you decide who stays or leaves, when, where, and how you wish.

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Single women are less prone to dealing with unfulfilling relationships because their tolerance for low-vibrational actions becomes so thin that making themselves unavailable is usually done without much thought or effort. In recent years, we have seen a trend of younger men scouting older women to date and marry. One of the reasons is that she is disinterested in participating in anything that will not net her a favorable outcome. She will not play games, tolerate disrespect, and, most of all, she’s no longer inherently needy.

Our last stereotype is that single women are focused on their careers—while many single women prioritize their careers, that does not mean they do not desire love, companionship, or personal relationships. Balance looks different for everyone. This brings us to the point of having too much availability—if it is not hormonal. If you haven’t recently given birth, then there is no man on this earth who should feel comfortable referring to you as too available, the needy girl, or old reliable.

Men have coined terms to describe the women in their lives, and these terms are associated with how they will treat and prioritize you. No one is perfect, and there were times in my twenties when I was too available—but not because I wanted to satisfy him, but because I wanted to be satisfied. However, it’s all the same to a man, and this is why having your own hobbies, career, and friends is crucial to your livelihood.

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We may believe that we’re horny and can’t take our minds off of sex, but maybe we’re just not tired enough, maybe we haven’t been to the gym in months, and maybe we’re not ready to come to terms with the fact that we’re single—and that this is okay. For some women, any form of companionship is acceptable, and this is where many fall into the trap of being too available and losing their value.

"Too much availability kills your value; even your parents respect you more when they don’t see you often." – Dear Son, X

by Danielle Wright