10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

Dealing with infidelity in a relationship can be a hard thing to navigate for both you and your partner—yes, this is hard for them, too. Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. There are also a multitude of ways someone can cheat or show disloyalty to a spouse: physical, emotional, cyber, financial, and/or a combination of all of the above. On the recent season of TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé, we meet the couple Jasmine and Gino.

The premise of the show is that international couples have 90 days to either get married or call it quits. During this time, the couples experience many ups and downs and quarrels. Particularly with this couple, Jasmine and Gino, there seemed to be a lot of disagreements in their relationship. When viewing the reunion, we saw that Gino had a bachelor party prior to the arrival of his fiancé, Jasmine.

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Production aired unseen footage of Gino dancing with strippers while they were naked and smiling, showing them loads of appreciation by adding money to their panties and tossing it along their naked torsos. Needless to say, Jasmine was irate; her anger turned to tears as she walked off of the stage. She then made it clear that had she known of his behavior during the bachelor party, she would not have married him.

Let’s unpack this because while this couple was not yet married, his behavior could be an indicator for future behavior. According to Talogy, “The key here is that your best predictor of future behavior is past behavior or past performance in a similar situation. If you’ve always done something a certain way, you’re likely to do that same thing in the same manner in the future. The same goes for on-the-job performance.”

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Jasmine became triggered because (1) her husband was showing affection to women other than her, (2) he lied about the events of that night, downplaying his behavior, (3) his ex was a stripper, and both she and Jasmine had a rocky exchange at one point which caused Jasmine to lose her job, (4) Gino was not remorseful for his actions or apologetic.

We can see here that although the couple is now married, Jasmine can and should be on the lookout for this type of behavior to resurface. The correlation between his ex having once been a stripper and him spending his bachelor night with strippers but refraining from sharing this with his new wife-to-be is indicative of what’s to come in the future of their marriage.

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As aforementioned, infidelity can take on many faces, but sometimes we have to ask ourselves, did we ignore the signs? Before we marry someone, there are always signs of their character flaws waiting to fully surface. They have either recognized these flaws due to past relationships and have done the work necessary to change, or they just monkey swing from one relationship to the next, believing there to be nothing wrong at all. Establishing clear boundaries and leaving at the first sight of disrespect is the key.

If ever you find yourself in a marriage and you are dealing with infidelity, you should always leave! Resources are available to you if you need them. Many women need closure before they can leave a relationship/marriage, so here are 10 questions you can ask before your departure to help expedite your healing:

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WHAT LED YOU TO BETRAY OUR TRUST AND ENGAGE IN INFIDELITY?
Contrary to popular belief, there is always a reason! Betraying someone’s trust means you lack respect for that person. Trust is not tangible; it is only a firm belief in something. For many men and some women, if it cannot be seen, then it cannot be proven. So, if you cannot see them betraying your trust, then perhaps they didn’t do anything wrong at all.

Infidelity can be covered up with, “I was only texting her, we never had sex.” As you can hear, in this case, they are undermining their actions because it was not physical, tangible, or able to be proven had they not confessed it themselves. Another example of this is a man cheating but not confessing about it until the mistress falls pregnant. Now there is something tangible tying them to the affair, which means they have to come clean.

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WHAT WERE THE UNDERLYING ISSUES OR PROBLEMS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR DECISION TO CHEAT?
When someone decides to cheat, it is a conscious decision and never a mistake. Problems that exist in a marriage are there before the cheating materializes, so if your partner is never comfortable expressing themselves to you, then it’s likely that they will keep their feelings inside until they feel safe enough to express themselves to someone else. I saw a video online recently where a man was asked, “What is the key to a successful marriage?” and his response was, “Yes, dear.”

Many men and women applauded him, agreeing with this stance, but I am here to tell you that this is how it all starts. Depriving someone of their ability to disagree, have an opinion, express themselves emotionally will always lead them down a path of seeking an outlet. He may begin staying out late, weaponizing incompetence, flirting with other women who laugh at his jokes and agree to his opinions, aka feed his ego. You should aim to be friends first before romantic partners. “Romantic partners who obey each other may find compliance, but it’s the friends who truly understand each other that forge bonds of passion and loyalty,” Lisa K. Stephenson says.

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DO YOU FEEL REMORSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS, AND IF SO, WHAT STEPS ARE YOU TAKING TO MAKE AMENDS? 
Remorse is a feeling of deep regret coming from a sense of guilt for past wrongs. Remember when I said that for most men it isn’t real unless it’s tangible? Well, remorse cannot be felt when you decide to remain in the relationship. The tangible object is you—your feminine energy is still present; your body still occupies a space beside his and your voice can still be heard bouncing off of the walls. If you want someone—particularly a man—to regret his actions towards you, you have to remove yourself.

His actions were not a mistake so why would he feel bad for doing it? Think about people who commit crimes and then have to go away to jail or rehabilitation centers, something tangible is taken from them, their freedom and all that encompasses it. After some time, they are asked, “Do you feel remorse for your actions?” and the answer is almost always an immediate yes.

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The steps your partner can take once they begin to feel remorseful will not have to come from you; they will learn of their flaws and self-correct. This may lead them to return and rebuild the relationship or they may be too embarrassed to do so and just resort to maybe cyber stalking you or asking your children for updates about your life.

HAVE YOU ENDED THE AFFAIR COMPLETELY, AND ARE YOU COMMITTED TO REBUILDING TRUST IN OUR RELATIONSHIP?
You can ask this question, but more times than not, the response will be a lie because it will be coerced and disingenuous. It’s like a child being reprimanded for their actions, “Tommy, say you’re sorry and promise never to do that again.” You are not his mother; you are his wife. If and when he’s come to feel remorse, there is nothing you will have to ask or require of him to heal your relationship—he will do it on his own.

When you force someone to do anything, they will almost always resent you for it. If you can withdraw your affection and remove your presence, then that is what is best; earlier in the article, I mentioned that the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior, well, it still applies here. Sayings like:

• “You lose them how you get them.”

• “He didn’t change his behavior; he just changed women.”

• “He’ll do the same to her, just watch.”

• “She didn’t get a prize. He’s going to do her the same way, maybe worse.”
  are all aphorisms that have stood the test of time.

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CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU CHOSE TO PRIORITIZE YOUR NEEDS OVER OUR COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER?
This question is good for needing transparency from your partner. Priorities in a relationship can change as time goes on, but without communication, there is no telling which direction the other person is headed in. Also, to the surprise of many, had these things been communicated, then perhaps a mutual decision could have been reached about taking time apart—separation. Believe it or not, some couples just need time apart from one another to reignite the passion they once had for each other. Seldom do men deprioritize their partners unless they are checking out emotionally.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR COMMITMENT TO OUR MARRIAGE?
One way a man can demonstrate his commitment to you and your marriage is to seek outside help. Getting therapy and speaking to a professional about his infidelity—without you present—is a step in the right direction. Men and women cheat for different reasons; for women, it’s usually emotional, and for men, it's usually ego-driven and/or physical attraction.

A man like this can benefit from therapy because they learn ways to redirect their feelings or energy into something fulfilling and rewarding. Maybe he can run a marathon, build things in the garage, go to poker night… there are a plethora of things he can do to positively shift his need for something thrilling.

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HOW DO YOU PLAN TO ENSURE THAT THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN AGAIN IN THE FUTURE? 
Here’s the truth: he cannot promise you this, and that is okay. Humans are meant to evolve and grow. If he’s not evolving but simply aging and making empty promises, then he’s more likely to cheat again. Only next time, he will be more careful to not get caught. It’s a sad situation to be in when you cannot trust your partner; therefore, it’s a good idea to leave.

Even if he promises change, will you be able to trust him? Will you not be paranoid each time he leaves the house? Will you not turn into a helicopter wife? There is a high probability that even if he promises never to do it again, your lack of trust will push him away anyway. So, he will only resent you for not trusting him, which will send him into the arms of yet another woman or the same woman. There is no easy way to spin it other than space is needed. That divide and time apart will determine the outcome of your future with this person, not their ability to tell you, “Yes, I’m going to change.”

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ARE YOU WILLING TO BE TRANSPARENT AND HONEST ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS GOING FORWARD?
When you have to ask this, that means you already know the answer. Swapping locations in a relationship is done as a safety precaution and is therefore accepted by many. But when it’s done as a means to track someone’s whereabouts due to mistrust, it can ignite arguments and build resentment. Another thing to consider is that if your partner is genuinely trying to change, they do not want to be reminded of their shortcomings. Once a cheating partner is exposed, they are not mad at themselves; they are more upset with the person who exposed them.

There have been many cases when a woman catches her husband cheating and he will reverse the argument and begin blaming her. Some men have even gone as far as murdering their spouse for finding out. The act itself is not what triggers them; it’s the embarrassment they feel once caught. Now, you may be thinking about trying to rebuild trust, but for him, he’s thinking about how to shake that embarrassing feeling. Nothing you do can or should be a constant reminder of his mistakes. We recommend you think long and hard about this question and what the outcome could actually look like.

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WHAT CAN I DO TO BE A BETTER PARTNER?
Surely you weren’t expecting this question, but it’s here because it’s necessary. It takes two people to be in a marriage, and once you said ‘I do,’ you assumed some of the responsibility to ensure that your marriage will last. Also, when we choose our partners, we do so based on how they make us feel. At some point or another, this person made you feel like they were the one for you, and even now those rose-colored glasses are not lifted.

So, while his cheating is not your fault, choosing to stay with him is your decision, and now you will want to know what you can do to help him remain faithful. Maybe he needs more excitement, more sex, more adventure, more attention. Maybe he needs you to do your hair and glam more often, maybe he needs you to spend less time giving the kids more attention than him. Can you change all the things you had to revise in the first place to make life easier for you? If so, this is a good question to ask; if not, pack your bags.

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HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT A POST-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?
A postnuptial agreement, also known as a post-marital agreement , is a legal contract between spouses that addresses issues that may arise in the event of a divorce or the death of either spouse. Here’s the thing: maybe before the infidelity, you didn’t think to have a prenuptial agreement, but now it could be something to rethink.

Due to your partner now showing you they are capable of doing things that could potentially alter both of your lives, even in some cases bring home a disease, you want to look at protecting yourself. The agreement can include things like: how much money he will pay out in the event of a divorce, how much he has to pay for each time he cheats, how much he has to pay for each child you both have, and so forth. Make sure to lay it all out on the table and put yourself first. This is your moment; don’t squander it.

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson