Is Bumble BFF a Secret Hotspot for Poly Couples Seeking a 'Unicorn'?

In March 2016, the dating app Bumble launched its BFF mode as a way for users to find platonic friends. While this was initially successful—as with almost all online dating spaces—it seems to have now taken a turn for the worse. Not only are women voicing their concerns about the type of women they’re meeting on the app being grifters, but a new issue seems to be brewing: polyamorous couples looking for a unicorn. As a former Bumble BFF user, I have a few stories to share—buckle up.

MELISSA: I met this young lady on the app, and we agreed to go out for dinner. Once we arrived, we ordered the same things: two martinis, an appetizer, and two main dishes. When the bill came, Melissa suggested we split the check, to which I responded, “Okay, no problem.” As we were getting our cards together, I noticed that she only placed about $30 on the bar—the bill was $144.77. I then asked, “Is that half?” to which she replied, “Yeah, I just paid the tip, so it’s technically half.” I am a non-confrontational person, so I reluctantly agreed, putting the bill on my debit card. I never spoke to her again.

Related articles: The Authority on Modern Love and Relationships. 

JENNIFER: We met on the app, and within about a week, she invited me out to her cousin’s birthday brunch. We had a great time! Shortly after, she invited me to join her in Canada for a work trip. She told me that all I would need to do was pay for my flight, so I agreed and booked it.

About a week before we were set to leave, she mentioned that her boyfriend wanted to meet me since she and I would be sharing the same hotel room. I was confused by this. She then proceeded to ask if I would like to go out with them for drinks, to which I declined. Prior to this, she had been to my home, and I had been to hers, so I didn’t understand the sudden need for a meetup with her boyfriend.

DEX: Ahh, the IT girly with the live-in boyfriend. We met on Bumble BFF and immediately hit it off. We talked for a while and decided to start texting. I invited her to brunch, to which she replied, “Can I bring my boyfriend?” I said no—nicely, of course—because why? After a few more attempts to meet up, she kept pushing it off until eventually, we stopped speaking to each other—or rather, I just stopped responding to her texts. I was looking for a friend, not a pen pal.

Related articles: How To Make Friends as an Adult

WEIRD GIRL: She finds me on Bumble BFF, adds me on Instagram, sends me a DM, and starts up a conversation. I’m thinking, “Oh, this is cool. Maybe we can text.” So I ask her for her number and if she’d like to meet up for lunch sometime. She says, “No, I don’t feel comfortable giving out my number. We can talk here if that’s okay.” Um… no, it’s not okay—and super weird. Removed and blocked.

AMI: In her defense, she did say in her Bumble profile that she was going through a breakup, so I thought, Hey, what could be the harm? We matched and started talking. After about a week, we met up for lunch in White Plains, and I learned more about her breakup—which was actually just a four year long situationship! She had no real intention of making friends; she just needed someone to fill the time since she and her ex were no longer speaking.

This was a man who had verbally disrespected her, cheated on her, and lied to her—and I believe I could go on. But needless to say, our “friendship”—and I use that term loosely because I was more like an unpaid therapist—lasted about a month. Then they got back together, and you guessed it—she ghosted me!

Related articles: How To Make Friends In Your 30s And Single 

TikTok user Gnarly Farcia shared a video expressing her frustration with the app, looking for answers from users on whether or not she was simply confused about the type of women she was encountering. Other women flooded the comments to express similar dissatisfaction.

She asks, “I’m on Bumble BFF, and it’s a terrible experience. Has anyone actually made friends?” A number of women in the comments replied with:

• “I’ve met two, but they both ghosted me eventually when they met a dude.”

• “Those girls don’t want friends, they want Instagram followers.”

• “It’s pretty bad—a lot of trauma dumping and constantly saying, ‘Let’s hang out,’ but never going through with it.”

• “Bumble BFF in the U.S. is bad! I’ve used it in other countries and made tons of friends.”

• “I miss mine. They will eventually stop talking to you when they get a man.”

• “I kept getting recruited for a third!”

• “I used Bumble BFF and met up with a girl—she brought her boyfriend. They were unicorn hunters.”

Related articles: Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult? 

Once I read those last two statements, I knew I had to share my story and dig a bit deeper. What is a unicorn in polyamorous relationships? A unicorn is a person, often a bisexual woman, who joins an existing couple to form a triad or polyamorous relationship, usually with the couple as the primary partners. My mind was—and still is—blown because suddenly, everything started to make sense!

Can the app be a good place to meet friends? Perhaps. But from what we’ve seen, it’s not the best—especially for us U.S. users. Women from other countries have shared great experiences, saying they’ve met their best friends on there, but most of them seem to be from certain parts of Europe.

Honestly, it’s best to get out, feel the sun on your face, and meet people in person anyway. We’re always advocating for people to ditch dating apps and engage in real, outdoor activities with those who share the same interests. Maybe you can try yoga in the park, hot yoga at a studio, or even join us for some of our Pilates classes in the city. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or a bestie, it should never be this hard. Sometimes, stepping outside of your comfort zone might be the answer.

by Harley Miller