Balancing Ambition With Intimacy
As tax season approaches, many Americans look forward to the opportunity to pay off past-due credit cards, catch up on late rent payments, and, for a small number of women, help their boyfriends. Sure, that last one seems far-fetched to the average woman, but unfortunately, it’s a strange reality for some who wish to remain in relationships with a bum. Do we shame these women into changing their mindset and wanting more for themselves, or do we offer them a gentle tap on the shoulder, telling them they are still loved and they matter in this world? The latter, always.
While many relationship coaches online use tough love as a tactic to whip women into shape when it comes to dating, we must understand that wisdom in relationships takes time, experience, and a lot of unlearning. As embarrassing as it is to admit, before landing myself in the position I am in today, I had a boyfriend of four years. When I found out via Facebook that he was having a baby with another woman, I panicked.
This panic sent me spiraling and begging him not to leave me for her—so much so that two weeks after the baby was born, I footed the bill for a five-day vacation in another state with him. Hotel, food, gas, tolls—all me. Five days with a man who had just welcomed a child with another woman while he and I were still together. I should take this story to the grave, but I have since learned and evolved from that point in my life. I did not need some rambunctious, judgmental relationship coach demeaning me for it.
"Women with career ambition and discernment in dating will never allow themselves to go on forty or fifty first dates in a short period of time. It suggests a lack of control and gives an impression of desperation."
We all make mistakes at some point, and this just goes to show how empathetic, kind, and nurturing women truly are—even if that empathy is directed at the wrong person. This does not make you an idiot or a fool, but simply someone with so much love to give that you end up giving it to the wrong person. I always say: She’s SINGLE Magazine is not about shaming women. We are about helping women develop discernment when it comes to choosing quality partners worthy of the love we all have inside.
Women are not to blame. The patriarchy sold us this dream—find a man, get married, have babies, and become a stay-at-home mom—wrapped in a red ribbon on a silver platter, giving us a false sense of appreciation. In reality, we were tricked into free labor and chronic mental anguish—a prison we can never escape, with housemates that scream “Mom!” every hour on the hour.
If this is not our reality and we choose to pursue higher education and climb the career ladder, we are expected to lower our standards and simply find a man with a job—not a career or a great-paying job, but just a job (just over broke). Once you have this man, you can expect to pay the majority of the bills and may be subjected to the “scrub hug.”
What is the scrub hug, or the broke boyfriend hug?
by Lisa K. Stephenson for Melanin In Motion: Winter 2025 Issue
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